CONTACT
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WHAT'S IN A NUMBER? 10 20 30 69
HOW TO TACTFULLY REVEAL (OR WITHHOLD) YOUR NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS
LINDSAY CLEEK
Imagine you've been dating someone for a while and you think you're ready to have sex with him or her for the first time. But first, your new partner wants to know just how many people you've slept with. You're faced with two choices — if you say a number too low you could be seen as inexperienced, say a number too high and you might look like you get around. So what should you do?
When Kelsey, Tecumseh senior, is asked how many partners she's had, she says she doesn't lie, but she does what's necessary to avoid being judged. "I just give an estimate — if I give a ballpark number then I'm not technically lying but I don't have to worry about them knowing my exact number," Kelsey says.
Though it may be tempting to lie about your number, Dr. David Eigen, psychologist and author of Men—The Gods of Love and Women—The Goddesses of Wisdom, says that the long-term consequences of lying are worse than the potential argument revealing your true number might cause.
"Inside we all know when someone is lying
We know when which feelings — it may be just an uncomfortable feeling or underlying distrust but it's there," Eigen says. "Never lie, trust is earned and by being truthful you create trust."
Eigen suggests revealing your number in a way similar to the way Kelsey describes. He says that if you don't want to discuss your past in detail you should tell your partner what you learned and how you've grown from your past
experiences.
Though she's been surprised by some of her partners' numbers, Kelsey says she's never looked at them differently, because she feels like there's an explanation behind someone's number.
While it's human nature to be curious, Dr. Sybil Keane, psychologist and relationship expert on Justanswer.com, says there are more important issues for couples to focus on than each other's past. She says that your partner's past has nothing to do with your lives together and should be avoided if possible because the consequences could be lethal to a relationship.
"A person may think they want the truth when knowing it may cause distress or feelings of inaptness in their relationship," Keane says.
John, St. Louis graduate, says that if a girl asked him to reveal his number, he'd try to direct his answer in a way that would avoid giving the exact number. Though he's never had a girlfriend ask about his past, he says he usually lies when the topic comes up in conversation because the number of girls he's slept with would surprise his friends.
"Overall it's just a number and not every girl that I've slept with was sex that I enjoyed," John says. "I'm at a point in my life where having sex just to have sex isn't my main goal."
Photo illustration | Adam Bubler
John is not alone in his teeling that avoiding the truth could be beneficial at times. Tony DeRosso, relationship expert and founder of www.onlinedatingmatches.com, says a lot of
Photo illustration | Adam Bubler
Adding up: Though you and your partner may have varying numbers when it comes to sexual conquests, it's important to discuss the matter with respect for one another.
guys automatically assume a girl has "divided by three" when revealing her number, so it might not hurt for a girl to stretch the truth sometimes.
"If the guy asking seems like he's quick to make a judgment call, a little white lie could prevent a firestorm of false assumptions." DeRosso says. If your partner insists on knowing your exact number, Keane says it should be a one-time conversation. She says both parties should agree to never use the information in an argument and understand that once it's discussed hat should be the end of it. However, she says these agreements don't always work out.
"Most times both will agree 100 percent, that is until the next big fight and then boom it gets used against one another in some way, shape or form," Keane says.
According to a 2004 survey by TNS Global Market Research, American women report an average of six sex partners in their lifetimes, while men average about 20 partners. Keane says people often embrace their "made up" number before their true number. "Women tend to downplay their number to seem like a 'good girl,' while men tend to increase their number in order to show their 'manliness.'" Keane says.
These gender-specific tendencies are supported by a 2007 study by the Journal of Sex Research, which reported that undergraduate men desire a significantly greater number of sex partners than undergraduate women. Over a one-year period, women were interested in an average of one sex partner, while the average man wanted about six partners. If these desired numbers were accurate, they wouldn't match up with the actual numbers revealed in the TNS survey.
Ultimately, you shouldn't let your number of partners define you." Whether you've had a lot of experience or none, being with someone you enjoy and are willing to be sexually open with should be enough," Keane says.
TOP 10 THINGS .
YOUR GIRL SHOULDN'T KNOW
(source: www.askmen.com)
10. Your actual conquest count. Give a rough estimate instead of an exact number.
9. Where your money goes. Giving an approximate salary is fine but she doesn't need to know where your extra cash goes each month.
8. Ongoing parental dependency— She doesn't need to know just how much you depend on mom and dad 7. Your weaknesses and fears. It's fine if she finds out on her own, but don't admit all the things that make you cry like a little boy.
6. Your bathroom activities. She doesn't need to know the size, aroma or frequency of your trips to the toilet.
5. Your friends' moral shortcomings. Telling her all your friends' secrets will just cause her to not like them, not to trust them and will make hanging out impossible.
4. Your masturbation schedule. She doesn't have to know your schedule and frequency.
3. Your cheating past. If you let her know about past indiscretions she'll think "once a cheater, always a cheater" and will always be second-quessing you.
2. Your ex-girlfriend memorabilia. The moment she finds out that something in your place is connected to an ex she'll immediately want that item gone.
1. Your ex-girlfriend memories. If something reminds you of an ex, keep that story to yourself. Your girl will either think you're still hung up on your or that she isn't as much fun. The past is the past.
The seventh and final installment of the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows premiered this morning at 12 a.m. at the Hollywood Theaters — South Wind 12 on Iowa Street. Many Potter fans showed their support by dressing up as their favorite wizard or witch.
Howard Ting/KANSAN
ADMINISTRATION
Regents assess University's proposals
BY ANGELIQUE MCNAUGHTON amcnaughton.kansan.com
The Kansas Board of Regents met Thursday in Topeka with higher education officials from state universities.
Much of the meeting was devoted to discussing issues pertaining to the University of Kansas and Chancellor Bernadette Gray-Little addressed Regents on four separate occasions.
The following is a list of some of the issues and proposals that Regents reviewed and their effects on students and the University.
Approved:
T h e
University's
request for
a Master of Arts and doctorate program in Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies was approved. Refer to Stephen Montemayor's article for more information regarding the program.
Diana Robertson, director of student housing, said she based her proposals off estimated increases for the following year.
two-person room raising the rate from $3,642 to $3,700.
This year's increase proposals are lower than they were last year because of the deactivation of student phone lines in student rooms from the summer. That saved the University about $500,000.
The University's increases were
"If you can't track where a dollar comes from and where it goes, then you don't have a good system."
Regents reviewed the Department of Student Housing's proposal for a 1.6 percent increase in housing fees. The increase in fees is not uncommon and occurs annually to offset the increases in the cost of living.
GARY SHERRER chairman, Board of Regents
A 1.6 percent increase translates to about $58 more for a traditional
Reviewed:
the lowest proposed from the state universities.
Regents received the University's report on the Jayhawk Generations Scholarship Program and
Approved:
approved the request to make the pilot program permanent. For more information regarding the tuition and fee waiver program refer to Stephen Gray's article.
Gray-Little and Provost Jeffrey Vitter updated Regents on the external audit recently ordered for the School of Business. The accounting firm BKD LLC performed the audit and stated in its report that of the $30 million raised since 2004 from course fees, 99.8 percent of the funds were spent appropriately.
Updated:
Although Regentsacknowl
"If you can't track where a dollar comes from and where it goes, then you don't have a good system," Sherrer said.
edged that many of the financial issues occurred before Gray-Little and Vitter, Regent Chairman Gary Sherrer and Regent Tim Emert were dissatisfied with, of all schools, a business school's mishandling of student funds.
at
Vitter and Gray-Little said they now know funds weren't accounted for and that the student advisory board should not have been dissolved back in 2006. Both Gray-Little and Vitter said they are looking to move forward.
The search is currently underway for a new dean for the school and the fourth candidate to visit campus was here this week.
Sherrer said that kind of miscommunication sends a bad message to students.
Gray-Little said she has been working with Jeff Severin, director for the Center for Sustainability, and student leaders to further develop strategies to reduce waste on campus and within the community.
New scholarship program approved
Edited by Alex Tretbar
In January, the University will join Kansas State University in a sustainability competition that will last until June.
This year, the University's website for energy-related issues was updated to highlight sustainable efforts in education, research, operations and campus life.
Reported:
The University has more than 230 sustainability related-courses and various avenues are taken on campus to increase the University's efforts.
Students with family ties to KU can apply for tuition discounts now that the program is in place
Along with other state universities, Gray-Little presented to Regents the University's annual sustainability report.
Department adds doctoral program
READ MORE ON 3A
maint to help inform students
The University now offers a Ph. D in women, gender and sexuality studies.
The website cost $3,500 to redesign and took 10 weeks. Michael Wade Smith commissioned the task force that put the website together. Senate hopes to allow students to more easily see what it is doing around campus.
Brian Bishop, senior discus thrower, is one of a long line of KU track and field athletes.
INSIDE
Discus legacy is all in the family
INDEX
Also, a preview of the game Jayhawks take on the Oklahoma State Cowboys.
Classifieds...2B
Crossword...4A
Cryptoquips...4A
Opinion...5A
Sports...1B
Sudoku...4A
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