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SEX ON THE HILL / THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2010 / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / KANSAN.COM
INTERNATIONAL
Foreign students face culture clash about sex, dating
The rules of dating and sexual morals are sometimes more complicated for international students
BY HANNAH WISE editor@kansan.com
Picture this: a man has feelings for a woman. He tells his mother about these feelings before going out to get coffee with the woman. The mother gives her blessing and the man proceeds to approach the young lady about meeting at a coffee shop.
tee shop.
The day of the proposed "date" arrives and the young lady and her brother are there waiting. They all talk and have a good time and then return to their homes. This story is just one example of how relationships in the Islamic world exist.
ships in the Institute
Students at the University of
Kansas come from many different
backgrounds. This is especially true for the more than 1,000 international students ranging in countries of origin from China to Jamaica to Zambia. Each culture has its own view on what is permissible and taboo when it comes to speaking about dating and sex and then more different views on the actions.
For Americans, dating generally means going out with the other person, perhaps to grab something to eat and see a movie. There may be two people or a group going out, it does not really matter.
The indi-
graduate student from Brazaville. Democratic Republic of the Congo. Marriage, sometimes arranged by the parents, is expected of every woman in the Congo.
"You can't make it official when you have a boyfriend. You just hide, your family doesn't have to know about it because it is really disrespectful. So we don't introduce our boyfriend to our parents. Whatever you are doing you just do it away from your family. Most families when they find out you get blamed seriously and there are some families that will go to see the boy's parents and tell them about it and see if they can stop it," Assinga said.
Assinga said. This is very different from Ibrahim Alaqan, a senior from Palestine. In the Middle Eastern culture and Muslim faith, one's family and the respect of family is extremely important. It is important for every action by a couple to be announced to the rest of the community so that a person's status is clear.
"If a guy starts to see a lady and people haven't heard that they are
"Normal girls don't know something about sex because parents and teachers never taught us about it."
YEMING CHE Beijing graduate student
The individuals generally do not tell their parents right off, at least until they know that "it is serious." This is not the case for Hestie Assinga, a
d that they are together, then rumors will start and that is a huge deal. Because if say someone else is interested, but he heard these rumors, then he will think, 'Okay, I probably should stay away.' That is why it is important
the people make things official and clean so that nothing goes wrong." Alangar said.
That is why, when a person
starts to get interested in somebody else, they try to make it kind of formal. I would as my parents, my father, my mom, especially in Palestine, where I am from, you start with the mom. She will go and ask about the person, 'Is she a good girl?' Is it a good family? and then after that we can probably make it official."
When Jalashree Mehta, a sophomore from Mumbai, India, decides to start dating someone, it will be with the idea that she will want to marry him.
"It is kind of an unwritten expectation that people have that if we are together, that we should try to make this work no matter what, unless it is like a really bad situation," Mehta said. "On an average, most people in India wait till they get married to have sex. Marriage is considered to be so sacred and holy that once you do get married to a person, that is when you want to open up and become one. Doing that before you get married, and then it doesn't work out, you became one with a person and then if you separate you lose part of yourself."
In many Asian cultures, students are expected to focus on their stud-
ties the most. Yiming Che is a grad student from Beijing, China
tate study from college.
"In my high school I just knew to study. Before college our parents and teachers told us everything we could and we should do. I always liked the boys, but our parents and teachers told us it was bad for our studies." Che said.
Sexual education is a part of growing up for Americans, but that's not always the case in other parts of the world.
Ivan Babkov, a sophomore, was born in St. Petersburg, Russia, but immigrated to Lansing, Mich., when he was 11. He can still remember many differences between Russian and American sexual education.
"Up to the point where I was in school, it was nonexistent. It all depended upon the family that you grew up with. You would have to learn from the world around you," Babkov said.
Teen pregnancies in the United States have recently been glamorized in a sense by shows such as MTV's "Teen Mom." However, still many young women all over the world have unplanned pregnancies and they all deal with them differently.
"I know five girls who took an abortion," Che said. "If you are a teenager you are still a kid and you cannot control your life. I never heard a girl stop her studies for a baby. Normal girls don't know something about sex because parents and teachers never taught us about it. We don't know how to protect ourselves. That is why so many girls get an abortion."
Assinga said unplanned pregnancies occur in the Congo and the girls are expected to keep the child.
"We have a lot of teens now getting pregnant," Assinga said. "When you get pregnant and your family knows about it, they will take you to your boy's family and they will have to take care of you because they have responsibility."
Even with the differences in culture between the United States and the rest of the world, when it comes to actually going out on a date, the activities really do not change all that much. The main differences occur in how to handle the relationships within the family and what is socially acceptable.
Edited by Clark Goble
SOCIETY
Women still face obstacles on track to sexual fulfillment
BY NOOPUR GOEL editor@kansan.com
Cirilla's manager Allison Ortego has noticed a trend in her customers.
"Older couples are a little more experimental." Ortego said. "They usually end up buying porn together, toys like anal toys and vibrators."
Ortego has also noticed that older couples are more likely to try out fetishes such as bondage. She says that most people don't get into bondage until their 30s or 40s. The closest the college-aged group gets is buying fuzzy handcuffs.
"I can usually spot them when they walk in the door," Ortego said. "People that want to try something new but they're kind of scared. They usually don't want leather harnesses or anything."
Ortego says that the most common items for a college-age woman to buy is a vibrator or vibrating cock ring. Although some women are conformable buying these items at a store, others are still uneasy with the idea.
"Its kinda like buying tampons," said Sera Lanzer, a freshman from Overland Park. "Every girl does it, but still were always afraid of who
we're going to see at the store?
the results of the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, published in October's Journal of Sexual Medicine, give evidence of the discomfort women have with their own sexuality.
The survey was conducted at Indiana University to honor the 60th anniversary of the Kinsey Reports, which were conducted at that very institution.
The Kinsey Reports were constructed by Dr. Alfred Kinsey in the 1930s and 40s after extensive research on the American sexual experience. Kinsey's findings shocked the nation, and revealed some interesting insight into what really happens behind the closed doors of an American bedroom. The results of the NSSHB also reveal some new and intriguing data about sex in America.
According to the NSSHB, masturbation is the sexual activity men experience the most throughout their lifetime, while vaginal intercourse is most common for women.
"That sounds about right"
Lanzer said. "Men don't need anyone else to masturbate, they can just do it themselves, and women don't really think of sex much outside of vaginal sex."
The NSSHB revealed that 61 to 63 percent of men in the college-going age group have masturbated in the past month, while only 26 to 43 percent of college women have done the same.
don't the same.
Graduate student Jordan Wade believes that this may be because of the societal constructs on women
were a nice director of women, gender, and sexuality studies, John Younger, agrees with the sentiment that society affects how a woman views herself.
women aren't supposed to be sexuality inclined." Wade said. "The female orgasm was only acknowledged in the past few years. I think we're a little behind on that."
Younger believes there is always a power dynamic involved with sex, and society usually reserves that power for the men. He points to an example of an exercise he often assigns to his introductory archaeology classes. He asks the students to create their own deity,
"Society expects women to service men sexually." Younger said. "And since men have an orgasm time that is really, really short, women are often sexually unsatisfied, and they are taught that that is OK."
and every now and then, he comes across a student, usually female, who has created a penis god.
I the first time I ran across this I thought, "Oh my god, this woman is so socialized she thinks the most important thing is a phallus," Younger said.
This power that women give to men can be expressed in various ways.
"One is to be sexually repressed, so that the man has control," Younger said. "Another is to be slut-like and to service the men, because that's what men want."
"Men are out there in the marketplace doing this, this and this, shacking up with young boys," Younger said. "What is the woman going to do but, hey, find herself a girlfriend. This has been written about for 180 years."
To escape from this power dynamic, many women choose to experiment with same-sex sexual experiences, a phenomenon seen not only in the current era, but also throughout history.
The NSSHB recently reported that 10 percent of women between the ages of 16 and 49 have participated in a same-sex experience in the past year.
make out at a party and not be considered lesbians," said Pedro Lopez, a sophomore from Prairie Village
Societal acceptance seems to be the most influential element that determines how comfortable a woman is with her sexuality. When society tells her it is not okay to masturbate she doesn't do it. But when society tells her it is okay to have relations with another woman, she has no problem experimenting with it.
"It is socially OK for two girls to
The NSSHB, like the original Kinsey Reports, seeks to educate the nation about what is actually occurring around the country. Perhaps knowing that they are not alone in certain sexual experimentation will allow women to widen their view on "acceptable" sexual behavior, and become more comfortable with their own sexuality.
"Knowledge and open discussion are the path to societal change that lead us away from viewing sexuality primarily in negative terms and towards viewing sexuality as a part of life that is wholesome and pleasurable," said former Surgeon General joycelyn Elders in her introduction for the NSSHB journal article.
Edited by Michael Bednar
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COMMENTARY
European outlook is more open
BY CAROLINE BLEDOWSKI
chiedowskikansan.com
I was born in an Eastern European country — Poland—and grew up in a Western European country — Germany. I was born "Karolina Bledowska" and my accent has so far been described as a mixture of German-Polish-Midwestern-American-English.
Like many American teenagers, I grew up watching movies like "EuroTrip" with its Dutch dominatrix, and "American Pie" with its naughty Czech exchange student Nadia. But unlike American teenagers, I could have been one of those sexual targets
According to frequent European stereotypes in movies, that would make me the typical American boy's sexual dream, right? I don't know about that. But a guy told me a few months ago that he absolutely loves women with an accent. Well, too bad I'm not into guys who love women only because of their accent.
Every culture is stereotyped by other cultures. It's our way of understanding each culture and simplifying their usually complex heritage. Often though, stereotypes only lead to misconceptions and false accusations, as is certainly the case with the stereotype of the sexually available and promiscuous European woman.
Europeans have fewer sexual partners than Americans, which makes them less promiscuous. A study published in Family Planning Perspectives in 2001 compared the sexual activity, safety, sexual disease and teen pregnancy rates of the U.S. and five European countries. It found not only more promiscuity, but also a higher teen pregnancy rate, less use of contraceptives and a higher level of STDs in the U.S.
In school, I received mandatory sex education, including two extra sessions on HIV, one of which was in the local center for drug addicts. In magazines, I saw pictures of nude men and women in non-suggestive poses, which showed me the various types of human bodies rather than the "ideal" body generated by advertising. In those magazines, I also read about common questions and problems surrounding teen sexuality even before I decided to have sex. When I was ready, I knew that I didn't have to lie about it, not even to my parents.
Germany. The latter study concluded that the European countries with lower rates — Germany, France, and the Netherlands — all emphasize mandatory sexual education in school and value the individual as a sexual being with needs and desires. Those countries find information on sex and safety more important than opinions by religious groups or personal preferences.
higher level of education.
A similar study by Advocates for Youth later in the decade showed that teen pregnancy is four times higher in the U.S. than in Germany. The U.S. abortion rate per 1,000 women is twice as high as in Germany, even though abortion has serious restrictions in some states, but is completely legal in all of Germany.
sional preferences.
These are the same reasons I would give for the creation of the common female European stereotype. The European woman is confident and educated in her sexuality because her culture is more open to communication about sex and accepts sexual activity and experimentation in youth.
I grew up in a society that treats sex as a part of life, not as a sin or marital duty. I grew up with enough information on sexual health to fill an abortion clinic. And I'm glad I grew up in a society that let me ask any question I wanted without being judged as immoral or indecent, even when I asked my parents about the first time they had sex (although I still don't know what had gotten into me that day).
— Bledowski is a graduate student from Cracow,
P Poland, in journalism.