APARTMENT GUIDE
5
BY ALEXANDRA GARRY agarry@kansan.com
Moving in with a boyfriend or girlfriend is a weight commitment. It can be a sign of a healthy and mature relationship, or a step too far, especially before marriage. Although some people see living together as a risky move for many college relationships, college is when many young adults find serious partners, and diminishing stigmas have lead many of these couples to "take the plunge" and live together.
John Wade, outreach coordinator for Counseling and Psychological Services at Watkins Memorial Health Center, said cohabitation could be greatly rewarding but must be approached with caution.
"It is important to discuss everything beforehand — before your lives become so greatly intertwined," Wade said. "Everything from finance to the most mundane things like cleaning and entertaining guests should be discussed."
Committing to cohabitation can mean major changes in a relationship and in the individuals involved.
"One of the easy traps is to become over-dependent and neglect relationships with others," Wade said. "Make sure you have balance — outside hobbies and relationships. Living together can be great, but too much of a good thing can be a danger; if the relationship becomes your whole world, bumps in the road feel very major."
Kaitlyn Kelly, Tonagnoxie senior, lived with her fiance, Mark King, until he graduated in December. They lived not in a conventional apartment, but the Theta Tau — an engineering fraternity house. Kelly was looking into moving into the house when she began her relationship with King. After living in close proximity, their relationship grew.
"Our situation let us get to know each other better faster, and that was great," Kelly said. "But we might have gotten too comfortable too fast, too. Instead of going on dates like other young relationships, we'd just hang out."
Wade said the best way to combat these pitfalls was open communication between partners.
"One of the most important things is to not let things build up," he said.
Even with a healthy, open relationship, challenges to cohabitation can come from outside. Parents, roommates and even friends can pose objections or hesitations about a move in. Wade said that in this situation, too, open communication was key. He suggested sitting down with doubters and explaining your decision.
"Discuss openly and respectfully," Wade said. "Parents may or may not agree, but they'll know you've considered things, and you'll look credible," he said. "It's important to show you've looked at your decision from a distance - what will happen if the relationship falls apart? You of course never want this to happen, but there's always the possibility."
Despite the challenges, Kelly said living with her boyfriend was a positive, growing experience.
"I think it's a good experience overall — if you're in a serious relationship," she said.
After Nathan Pirie, Olathe senior, popped the question to Sally Doyen, Olathe junior, they decided an eventual move-in was the next
Basic steps to maintain any relationship:
1. Don't expect the other person to change or conform to what you feel would be the "ideal" partner or friend.
2. If you find yourself making a large commitment, such as becoming his or her roommate, discuss in detail how the relationship will change and express your expectations. Don't just assume the other person will pay his or her rent or pick up his or her dishes because you are friends.
3. Don't let small tensions build up; be willing and able to communicate your concerns.
4. If there is a dispute, be willing to compromise, and try to see things from the other person's point of view.
5. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
6. Enjoy your time together, but know when to give each other space.
Source: University of Texas Counseling & Mental Health Center
logical step.
Doyen had often stayed at Pirie's previous apartment. Because of this, Pirie said, they felt cohabitation would mean few big changes. Still, they took the time to discuss finances and rules before their move-in in August.
"We made a point to make sure we were on the same page on things," Pirie said.
Pirie said cohabitation hadn't changed his relationship with Doyen greatly, but had affected his relationships with others.
"Without my old roommates around, we have to make plans to go out, it becomes an effort to do things with other people," he said.
His former roommates were supportive of his decision to move, though.
Pirie's and Doyen's parents, however, were less approving.
"Living together before marriage isn't something they really believe in," Pirie said. "But they've eventually come to respect our choice."
Doyen had a similar experience with an older sister. "I value the opinions of my family, so it was hard at first," she said. "But they have accepted that this is just what's best for Nathan and I."
Doyen and Pirie said that living together had come with some challenges, but they felt comfortable with the situation and the growth in their relationship.
Pirie said his advice to couples considering moving in together was to make sure the relationship was mature enough to make the commitment, but also to not forget their partner would also become their roommate, and they would discover new habits and quirks in the other person.
"It is more convenient," Doyen said. "I always think it's silly when people always stay at someone's apartment but don't move in. If you're that close, you may as well pay rent together."
"Living under the same roof, you see a lot of little things you never saw before." Pirie said. "You see all the things that have the potential to bug you, but also the little things that can make you realize how much you love her."
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THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
MARCH 11,2008