OPINION
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
7A
MONDAY FEBRUARY 25 2008
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2008
COMMENTARY
False promises undress future modeling career
There was once a time that I could've been a model. You see my girlfriend saw an ad on a bulletin board for a modeling agency looking for male models, because when looking for models, the beeriest town in the dullest state in the union is most definitely the place to look. Bob Dole, Don Johnson: sex icons!
She took this ad from the board for three reasons in my estimation: because it was ridiculous, because she knows I am a narcissist and because the first two reasons are frequently hilarious when combined.
I called the number. Later a man came to ogle me with his eyes. We talked about my future and his bus company, and he left.
1 never heard from this maliciously moussed purveyor of false dreams again.
That man in his cargo shorts walked out my door with all of my future contracts with Hugo Boss, and Osh Kosh, and Jordache, stripping the walls of what would have been innumerable blocks of my black and white shirtless body, staring carelessly into the eyes of multitudes of swooning women.
His polarized sunglasses atop his head said no to every film director that was dead set on being the one to bring my internationally recognizable face to Hollywood, where we would pioneer new ways to capitalize on the success of the Die Hard quadrilogy, but with, you know, a creative twist.
The pair of flip-flops he wore, bought to look frayed and old, crushed beneath them the screams of adoration not yet yielded by the hoards of fans lined up outside of their local Tower Records store to purchase my No. 1-charting sophomore prog-rock album, Historiionica, featuring collaborations with Geddy Lee, David Lee Roth, and Neil Young, featuring such singles as "Um, Try Again Please" and "Grappling Hook."
I could have been the second coming of Markie Mark. I could have bathed in the blood of children in order to preserve the youthful glow of my skin, and gotten away with it. I could have taken the world by storm... literally.
But he left, and I didn't hear from him.
And that's how I learned to never trust anyone.
On the other hand, though, that part of my life did help me to find a Nintendo Wii and years before I would have converted to Scientology.
Tyler Doehring
White is a River City, Iowa, sophomore In Journalism and Japanese.
》 FROM THE DRAWING BOARD
McCain's blundering, while serious, demonstrates effective, overworked PR
COMMENTARY
It's hard work being John McCain. It seems every time he turns around there's another shady character trying to stuff money in his pocket. I wish I had McCain's problem, but the closest I ever got was a guy in a community college parking lot trying to sell me a VIP pass to a new strip club. I guess not everyone can be a war hero.
It's like McCain lives in a comedy of errors, where he finds himself face-to-face with a rich guy in awkward moment, so he compliments him on his money, just to have something to say. The rich guy says, "Oh, do you want some?"
"No, thank you. That's okay."
"Come on, take it.
"Oh, I couldn't."
"You must. I insist."
a Dutch date.
"You insist? Well, now that you've put it that way, I guess I have to." And he walks out with his pockets bulging with cash. Like I said, it's hard work.
John McCain supports campaign finance reform more adamantly than any other politician because no other politician needs campaign finance reform more than John McCain. He's found his way to the center of an impressive number of congressional financial scandals.
First came his days as a member of the Keating Five, a group of senators accused of corruption in 1989, taking millions in campaign contributions from banker Charles Keating while pressuring regulators to back off the oversight of Keating's failing savings and loan. Keating and McCain's wife were business partners, but McCain didn't see a conflict of interest because his prenuptial agreement divided their assets. Evidently every dinner out for the McCain's is
Last week we had his flat denial of ever having met Bud Paxson, despite Paxson's memory of meeting McCain in the senator's office. McCain says he never spoke with Paxson or any of his associates. However, he used Paxson's personal jet, took his campaign contributions and then just happened to write two letters urging the FCC to take speedy action on a Paxson business deal. If McCain is wondering why people have been quick to believe these allegations, it might be because they've heard this one before.
Now McCain denies he posted his eligibility for federal election funds as collateral for a loan, insisting that the real collateral was the idea that he might someday in the future post the federal matching funds. I'd like to say I can personally vouch for the ease of securing million-dollar bank loans on the promise of an idea, but again, I've just never experienced many of the hardships of the senator's career.
For instance, I've never had issue ads mention me by name within 30 days of a primary election or 60 days of a general election, and now, thanks to McCain, I never will. I'm sure that was rough for the senator, having members of the public talk about him before an election. I mean, that might end up effecting the outcome. Luckily, the Constitution has absolutely no provisions about whether or not Congress can make a law respecting speech. (The Bill of Rights might have said something about it, but it belongs to Omnitouch now.)
McCain is like the "good girl" who sleeps over at a different guys house every night and then can't understand how she got a reputation as a "bad girl." But when faced with allegations of impropriety, McCain feels it's easier to ban the talking than to stop being improper. Because, when you're John McCain, ending the impropriety is the hardest part of it all.
Minster is a Lawrence senior in economics.
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butt crack.
There's something that I'd really like to say. I'm glad we're together every day. I wanted you to know, I've always got your back and I'll be here right behind you all the way. I'm your
--system.
--system.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
--system.
A: Yarn.
All week is the new Friday.
Whiskey on a Sunday? Of
COURSE
--system.
I lost my iPod twice on campus. Each time I was contacted on Facebook thanks to the inscription on back.
--system.
Your flow ain't sick! They are tired son, tired.
--system.
GSP and GP need to be friends. We're close to the same thing; one is full of girls who need guys and the other is full of guys who can't find anything worthwhile in the Schol Hall
I'm so lonely
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FFA, you are a good place for secrets.
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I don't think it will be help if I have my name on my iPod.
God, you're beautiful. I know it is taking forever for me to kiss you. I will. I promise. Soon. Very
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Hillary Clinton = Manbearpig
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Something smells like cin namon buns.
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My life is over. I am married to someone I hate, and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate myself.
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My roommate comes nome tomorrow.
40s on the weekend? My ass The weather channel lies.
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