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JESSICA'S JOURNEY
one woman's path from rock-bottom to recovery
Throughout her five-year struggle with anorexia, Jessica has lost a lot of things. She's lost a total of 60 pounds, handfuls of hair, her health and her sanity. But still nothing deterred her from diet restrictions and purging. That is, not until she lost her best friend Aly to anorexia.
Jessica, Lawrence junior, began starving herself the summer of her junior year in high school. After a falling out with some of her friends, Jessica spent the summer at home, counting calories. Starting summer at roughly 160 pounds, Jessica began her senior year at 125 pounds, Jessica, at 5-foot-11, had dropped 35 pounds in less than three months.
"My parent's didn't notice because they saw me every day," Jessica says."But my classmates, after not seeing me for three months, could definitely tell."
Jessica continued restricting her diet, counting four grapes as a meal, until the beginning of October, when her friends approached her parents with concerns. After realizing Jessica had a problem, Jessica's parents gave her an ultimatum: lose any more weight and be hospitalized. Jessica says she didn't try to lose weight that week, but ended up dropping another 5 pounds.
"I tried to adjust the scale so they wouldn't know, but I couldn't figure out how," Jessica says.
It was mid-October when Jessica walked into Baptist Medical Center, 6601 Rockhill Rd., Kansas City, Mo., for treatment. Upon arrival, she was instructed to hand over her "sick clothes." (Sick clothes being the term used for the clothing aninotears use at an unnaturally low weight.) Weighing only 115 pounds, Jessica reluctantly handed over her size 4 jeans.
It was during her five-month stint at Baptist Medical Center that Jessica met Aly. Aly was older, already attending KU, and it was her third hospitalization.
"I hated her at first. She was blonde and thin." Jessica says.
At that time, Aly was 5-foot-8 and well under 100 pounds.
"She was everything I wanted to be," Jessica says.
While jealousy and competition initially kept Jessica away from Aly, time and their shared love of KU basketball eventually brought the two together. The two formed a sisterhood over their shared disease and an affinity for books. They stayed in touch and their friendship grew even after Jessica's release the following March.
Aly guided Jessica through her awkward stage as a freshman.Jessica watched her friend graduate,finish graduate school and was even present at Aly's wedding.The entire time,the two offered each other support when they felt prone to a relapse.
"We were exceptionally close because of our eating disorders." Jessica says. "We found support in each other because we understood each other on a level no one else could understand."
With the help of Aly and others, Jessica managed through her freshman year. But by fall of her sophomore year, life's pressures weakened Jessica's will. The "demon" emerged again, Jessica says, and she returned to her chaotic habits. Her parents continuously urged her to return to Baptist, but Jessica sidestepped their pleas with an array of excuses. It was the week before spring break when Jessica finally ran out of excuses and landed herself back in Baptist.
"I had gone off my antidepressant, a common trend of mine, and was already on a downward spiral when I had a caffeine overdose. At the time, I was hooked on diet pills and, one night, the pills, a triple latte and two Mountain Dews sent me over the edge."
Jessica doesn't remember much about that night, only that she had a panic attack. She can remember her heart pounding and calling a friend for help, but her memory ends there. When she woke at the hospital with bandages on her arms and stomach, she didn't know why. She had completely blocked out that she had repeatedly cut herself with a nail file.
But even this, what Jessica calls her
lowest point, didn't stop her chaotic eating habits. By the fall of her junior year, Jessica began purging five or six times a day. It wasn't until that winter break that Jessica decided to quit purging and return solely to restricting. Jessica says she tried to make her own rehabilitation center at her parent's house.
"It was like I was a little kid again and I had to retrain myself," Jessica says. "I kept telling myself, 'A toilet is not for purging.'"
She had a grip on her bulimia, Jessica says, when news of Aly's death pushed her deeper in the disease than ever.
It was early January when Aly, weighing well under 100 pounds, was again confronted by her parents and husband about her eating disorder. Two days after the intervention, Aly took her own life with sleeping pills. When Jessica's therapist first told her the news, Jessica didn't believe it.
"I thought it was a cruel joke to get me to eat," Jessica says. "I remember saying I'd do anything, I'd eat an effing cheesecake if she took it back."
In reaction to Aly's death, Jessica turned to
the gym for solace. Going from machine to machine, Jessica would spend three to four hours a day at the gym. Although she would tear up when she saw exceptionally thin girls at the gym, Jessica says she just couldn't tear herself away. Jessica even had to call her therapist from the women's restroom one day to convince her to leave.
But while Aly's death initially triggered Jessica's anorexia, it is now what keeps her from returning. After taking a week off to grieve and recover from her eating disorder, Jessica now is eating and exercising responsibly. She follows the three meals, two snacks a day diet her dietician designed for her. She limits her exercise to three sessions of yoga and toning a week and jogs with Aly's dog twice a week. She even has burned her size 4 pair of jeans.
"I think I've finally reached the point where I'd kick and scream before I'd ever let myself go back," Jessica says.
But if she does have a relapse, Jessica says she'll stop using the "I don't have time to save myself" excuse and seek help.
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