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NOTICE RAINE AND RUIGH REVIEW NEWS YOU CAN USE
HAWK TOPICS
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IGNITE COALITION WINS STUDENT SENATE ELECTIONS. The campaign pledge of "Vote for us and we'll stop bothering you" proved to be more effective than Delta Forces "You're all sheep!" slogan.
PLAYBOY HOLDS AUDITIONS FOR GIRLS OF THE BIG 12 ISSUE.
Nothing says class or female empowerment like allowing a 40-year-old man to take Polaroids of your naked body. At least Girls Gone Wild will give you a t-shirt after they take your dignity.
SEVERAL RETIRED U.S. GENERALS CALL FOR THE RESIGNATION OF SECRETARY OF DEFENSE DONALD RUMSFELD.
Despite incredible inepititude and crushing failures of leadership in almost every aspect of the Iraq War, President Bush gave Rumsfeld a vote of confidence and promised not to make any changes. This isn't a joke.
RETIRING EXXON CEO LEE RAYMOND RECEIVES $400 MILLION RETIREMENT PACKAGE.
Doesn't it make you feel better to know that every time you fill up your car with gas, you're helping pay for another of Lee Raymond's yachts?
WAL-MART ENDS GUN SALES IN SOME STORES.
Rednecks across the country are dismayed that now they'll have to make TWO stops to finish the grocery shopping.
MILLIONS OF CHRISTIANS CELEBRATE EASTER.
Quick, someone call Bill O'Reilly and let him know that he's successfully defended Easter for another year!
5 TEXAS ENDS CONTROVERSIAL ARRESTS OF DRUNKS AT BARS AFTER PUBLIC OUTCRY.
Texas officials said that they were concentrating resources into their program to arrest diners attempting to eat at restaurants.
IRAN CLAIMS TO SUCCESSFULLY CREATE ENRICHED URANIUM.
What is it with countries that start with "i" striving for world domination with (alleged) arsenals of nuclear and biological weapons? We're looking at you, Iceland.
Chris Beins and Dave Ruish
008 JAXP%AX 0,629.2006