RAINE AND RUIGH REVIEW NEWS YOU CAN USE
NOTICE
HAWKTOPICS
1 THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT CRACKS DOWN ON ALCOHOL SALES, NOW ILLEGAL IN THAT COUNTRY.
Alcohol will now be available only from what iranians call, قانون نخيص اشتراكات which translates, roughly, to either "illegal purveyor of alcohol," or "The Hawk."
To the tune of "My Humps": "My jaw is really achin' / Look at all these pills I'm takin'/ My mumps / My mumps / My mumps, my mumps, my mumps!"
MUMPS OUTBREAK WORSENS, WITH 21 MORE CONFIRMED CASES.
3 FORMER HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER TOM "THE BUG MAN" DELAY RESIGNS.
Too bad Delay didn't quit a few weeks ago — he could've become K-State's new b-ball coach instead of the equally molligned Bob "Huggy Bear" Huggins.
ASPIRING STUDENT POLITICANS AND THEIR LACKEYS BOTHER EVERYONE ON WESCOE BEACH.
Which a-hole's résumé will you vote to improve?
CBS ANNOUNCES
FEMBOT KATIE
COURIC WILL
REPLACE INTERIM
ANCHOR BOB
SCHIEFFER AS
THE NEW FACE
OF THE EVENING
NEWS.
Her first segment will try to convince people why they should actually give a shit.
7
VOTERS IN JACKSON COUNTY, MO. SAY YES TO $500 MILLION STADIUM RENOVATIONS, NO TO $200 MILLION ROLLING ROOF. City officials say the renovation is quite a bargain, as the Royals will only cost the taxpayers about $5 million per loss.
SCHOLARS UNVEIL
THE GOSPEL OF
JUDAS, A 1700-
YEAR-OLD GNOSTIC
TEXT THAT SHEDS
NEW LIGHT ON
JESUS' RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE INFAMOUS
APOSTLE.
The most shocking chapter is called, simply, "Brokeback Sand Dune."
LAWRENCE SURVEYS THE HOMELESS, ASKING IF THE CITY DESERVES ITS 2ND MEANEST CITY RANKING.
A man whose voice is overwhelming majority of those surveyed said Lawrence is a great place to not have a home.
PLAYBAY FOUNDER HUGH
HEFNER TURNS 80.
Whereas you or I may blow out 8 candles on our birthday, Hefner himself was blown 80 times.
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04 JST 2006 JAXMAY +89