Samantha Samuel is pretty, smart, laid-back and funny — all the qualities of a girl you'd take home to mom. But since she's been at the University of Kansas, she's only been on one date. If you can even call it that, Collecting research for her hair, she found a guy to help her out. "I was attracted to him, but I don't know if he was attracted to me," says the Sioux Falls, S.D. graduate student. "We met for coffee, and he ended up buying it for me. I didn't really think of it as a date, but he didn't have to pay for it."
Mark Adams can count the number of dates he's had on one hand. Besides a five-year relationship, the Overland Park graduate student hasn't dated at all. "Perhaps my style of dating is just to play it cool," he says. "There are a couple people I might have worked up the courage to ask out if they hadn't been so intimidating and unreadable."
Students used to come to college looking for love. Couples dated, lived together, got engaged; now, the children of those couples have dumped the date. In 2001, the Independent Women's Forum, a conservative group, conducted a nationwide survey of 1,000 college women and only half of the seniors reported being asked out on six or more dates during their entire college career. For a variety of reasons, the traditional dinner-and-a-movie rendezvous is dead — and experts say there are good reasons to bring it back.
Let's try to define "date." Too many college students classify a date as simply meeting somewhere, says Erin
Harveth, Tulsa, Okla., junior. "In order to qualify as a date, someone needs to ask," she says. "The other person says yes, they go somewhere and whoever asked, pays."
The good old days
Back in colonial times, courtship was a formal affair. Young men and women were properly introduced before talking to each other, and the girl's mother would ask the boy to "call" on her daughter. Courting was
in a girls home (so parents could chaperone) and the process usually had one goal: marriage.
As time went on, dating became more informal. People scoffed at the idea of "going steady" before World War II because dating a lot of people meant popularity in high school, says
"In order to qualify as a date, someone needs to ask. The other person says yes, they go somewhere and whoever asked, pays." Erin Harveth, Tulsa junior
where 40 percent of fifth graders were already "dating" (i.e., holding hands and kissing).
author Beth Bailey in her book From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in 20th-Century America.
Dating was on its way out when Marciana Vequist, a psychologist at Bert Nash Mental Health Center, 200 Malne St., went to college in the '70s. Women used to go to college to find a husband, and men went to find a wife; there was much more focus on courtship because it was the last opportunity for men and women to meet someone their own age, she
But the war changed everything. Women outnumbered men, and media scared girls with warnings that they would never marry because of the lack of men. Young girls began marrying in high numbers. By 1959, 47 percent of brides were under 19 and those who were older said they had gone to college solely to find a husband. This also meant dating began earlier Bailey cites a 1961 study of a middle-class Pennsylvania district
says. Now, people are focused on education and getting a career, and merely hoping to meet someone along the way.
These days,there are no prescribed rules on how dating works. It used to go unsaid that guys did everything from asking the girl out to
paying the tab. Now, there are no such rules — each is waiting for the other to make the first move. Judy Dutton, a psychotherapist in Lawrence, says one reason for this mentality is because it's become acceptable for women to do the asking.
Despite the lack of protocol, good old-fashioned chivalry wouldn't go unappreciated, at least by Samuel, who would like to have more than one so-called date while she's at KU. Some guys today are lazy, and expect girls to do the asking. "Some girls are comfortable doing that, but a lot of
girls still want to be pursued," she says. "I would love for a guy to make the first move. I'm not one to chase someone."
Nevertheless, a guy asking a girl on a date is still unusual, says Matt Katz, syndicated dating columnist for Gannett newspapers. "A guy asking a girl on a date in college may seem so traditional that it might seem desperate and she could be turned off," he says.
Technical difficulties
The change in the college dating scene really went downhill when email, Internet, instant messaging, text messaging and cell phones hit the mainstream. Technology has made relating so effortless that no one needs to go on official dates anymore, says Jeff Cohen, dating and relationship guide at dating.about.com. "It's easier than ever to flirt and stay in touch with someone," he says.
Without these gadgets, wed be forced to go on dates to learn more about someone else.Colleen Stockton, Wichita senior, blames cell phones for the demise of traditional dating. People used to have to call each other on house phones to set up a formal date; now people just use their cell phones to let someone know where they'll be, in case they'd like to join, she says.Text messaging is worse than cell phones."It's less intimate because you don't really get to know each other." Stockton says,"which is the point of a date."
Technology has changed the way men and women get together ever since Katz, the dating columnist, graduated in 2000. "I know now that kids in college are IMing each other for late-night booty calls," he says. "Everyone is walking around with a cell phone, which makes means of communication; meeting up and hooking up, easier."
Hooking up
Contrary to popular belief, meeting someone at a bar and taking him or her home does not constitute a first date; it counts as a "hook-up." To most college students, "hooking up" can mean anything from kissing to sex. In the 2001 survey done by the IWF, 91 percent of women reported a "rampant hook-up culture" on campus. Thirty-nine percent of respondents said they were virgins, 40 percent said they had hooked up, and 10 percent said they had hooked up more than six times. In an article in The Boston Globe, Kristen Richardson, campus program manager of the IWF, says "Hooking up has just become the norm. For women especially, these uncommitted, purely physical relationships can wreak havoc later on and distort their idea of relationships."
During college, students may not be looking for the commitment of a relationship, so hooking up with no strings attached is an easy way out. "Guys in college aren't really at a stage where they want a real relationship," says Brighid O'Malley, Omaha sophomore."Most of the guys I know are interested in having fun with their friends. Getting ass every now and then is just a perk."
If the distinction between hooking up and dating seems slippery, it's because a lot of the time, one leads to the other. Kathy, Shawnee Mission senior, says she's been "talking to" a guy for a couple of months. In those couple of months, she and her hookup buddy have only been on one date — after they'd hooked up at least 15 times. "I was fine with just hooking up, but I was excited that he took me to dinner and it wasn't awkward," she says. Kathy and her "friend" see each other about five days during the week; Fridays and Saturdays are a given. Even though they see each other often, she says she doesn't consider herself dating him — yet. "It will probably lead to a relationship," she says. "But I feel like even you're boyfriend and elopers on dates
The relationship factor
Most students assume that if you're in a relationship, you're dating. When you're in a relationship, you're boyfriend and girlfriend; to be dating, you must actually pursue the act of going on a date. And dating, says Dutton, a psychotherapist, is healthy for relationships. She says taking time to go out and do something special is vital in a relationship. It's about "having that commitment to be together at that time and not just because you're already there," she says."Having a deliberate focus keeps the relationship fresh and it means you're attending to it. You have to really attend to relationships to keep them alive."
Angela Rasmusson, Topeka alumna, has been involved with her boyfriend, Derick Schweppe, Topeka senior, for six and a half years. They try to go on real dates at least once or twice a week because even though they're in a relationship, it's still important to go out on a regular basis." We live together now, so it's like hanging out with my best friend all the time," she says. "We need to go out on dates to make it feel like a relationship, not just a friendship."
Costs and benefits
The benefits of dating aren't exclusive to full-fledged relationships.
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