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Romance meets the real world
When college graduations divide couples
No other day in the year highlights and celebrates relationships more than this past Tuesday's Valentine's Day. While couples shower each other with flowers, chocolates and other gifts, the singletons sit at home and loathe the holiday. However, there's one other group the rest of us don't seem to think about: couples separated by one person's graduation.
A study from Purdue University's Center for Studying Long Distance Relationships found that 25 percent of college students reported being in a
long-distance relationship and 78 percent reported having been in one at one time during their college career. But along with the new chapter of life that begins after graduation comes a world of difficulties. There are new experiences, new responsibilities and new meanings to everything. Just how do these students affected by graduation-separating relationships make them work when one partner has started a new chapter in life and the other is left behind?
The success of a relationship changed by graduation
depends on a variety of factors, including how long the couple has been in the relationship, future plans and how healthy the relationship is to begin with, says Frank DeSalvo, director of Counseling and Psychological Services.
"I think the issue really is about the nature of the relationship,not the geography," DeSalvo says.
There can be difficulties, he warns. For instance, in newer relationships, DeSalvo says he's seen graduates who couldn't move on and their partner felt left behind. People in longstanding relationships usually have made future plans and have designated regular meetings to help them be more successful, DeSalvo says.
"I think the issue really is about the nature of the relationship,not the geography,"
Frank DeSalvo, director of counseling and psychological services
Jamie Wilkerson, Omaha, Neb., senior says that having future plans with her graduated boyfriend made the relationship a little easier because there's an end to the separation in sight. But there still are challenges.
Wilkerson admits to getting into "stupid" arguments out of frustration that they can't be together.
The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships and DeSalvo attribute communication as the most important factor in maintaining a healthy relationship.The CAPS offices most often see couples who experience jealousy because communication is lacking and they do not feel confident in their partner's dedication to the relationship, DeSalvo says.
SCOTT KASERMAN
Wilkerson's approach? She and her boyfriend keep all lines of communication open, from instant messenger to talking on the phone about five times a day.
Despite the list of difficulties, there is no reason to fret. Relationships are not always doomed and do have positive aspects. For one, couples are forced to take a look at their relationship and find out
what they mean to each other, DeSalvo says. A long distance relationship also requires the couple to meet on a different emotional level that they may not have been used to or even had the opportunity to do while geographically together. Wilkerson says that, now, she and her partner don't take the time they have together for granted and enjoy being together that much more.
You must understand that the frustration is mutual and be patient with each other as well as with the relationship, Wilkerson says.
In order to keep the relationship healthy and working, you have to start with two emotionally healthy individuals, DeSalvo says. Both people involved in the relationship have to be independent individuals and in the relationship because they want to be, not because they need to be, he says.
Wilkerson offers one piece of advice: Have a little faith.
"Have faith in each other knowing that they love you just as much as you love them," she says.
"Overall, it's not about the geography. I see unhealthy regular relationships and healthy long-distance ones. It's really not the distance that is key, but the relationship itself." DeSalvo says.
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