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STUDENT
SENATE
RAINE AND RUIGH REVIEW NEWS YOU CAN USE
Great, yet another student-government group. Someone, for the love of God, please tell these people that the only students who care about student government are those in student government. Nobody else cares! It doesn't matter who wins! Yaaaarrrggghhh!!!
HAWK TOPICS
1 FORMER KUNITED MEMBERS FORM A NEW STUDENT COALITION, IGNITE.
THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE REPORTS RECORD HIGHS NATIONWIDE.
Local pothead also reports record high, eats entire bag of Cheetos.
While Dailey admits the flaccid attendance numbers are disheartening, he believes the stimulating environment will eventually arouse the interest of other virile young minds.
DENNIS DAILEY'S SEX CLASS STRUGGLES TO ATTRACT STUDENTS.
HOUSE REPUBLICANS ELECT OHIO REPRESENTATIVE JOHN BOEHNER NEW MAJORITY LEADER.
So now we have a Bush, a Dick and a Boehner in powerful government positions. Who says we're hung up about sex?
UNFLATTERING CARTOON DEPICTIONS OF MUHAMMAD RUN IN A DOZEN EUROPEAN NEWSPAPERS AND MAGAZINES, INCITING RIOTS THROUGHOUT THE MUSLIM WORLD.
A cartoon hasn't caused this much violence since the infamous "Cathy" riots of '91 left over 2,000 dead worldwide.
The last time Oprah felt this betrayed was upon discovering that the McDonald's Chicken Caesar Salad, ostensibly a healthier alternative, is actually no more nutritious than a Big Mac.
OPRAH CHASTISES
AUTHOR JAMES FREY FOR
MISREPRESENTING HIMSELF IN THE
OPRAH BOOK CLUB SELECTION A
MILLION LITTLE PIECES.
KEN STONER, DIRECTOR OF THE DEPARTMENT OF STUDENT HOUSING, ANNOUNCES HE WILL LEAVE KU IN MARCH. Hashinger Hall alumni lament the imminent departure of an authority figure named Stoner.
HEATH LEDGER
RECEIVES AN OSCAR
NOMINATION
FOR HIS ROLE
IN BROKEBACK
MOUNTAIN.
Inexplicably, the Academy again snubbed Martin Lawrence, despite his stirring performance as a transvestite seeking justice in Big Momma's House 2.
9 NAISMITH HALL CHANGES ITS ANYTHING-GOES ALCOHOL POLICY TO CURB UNDERAGE DRINKING. Naismith residents will now have to drink like all other underage students...at The Hawk.
NEARLY 2,000 INMATES RIOT IN CALIFORNIA PRISON. Predictably, the riot was related not to Muhammad, "Cathy" comics or Martin Lawrence, but to tired, race-related acrimony. (Singsong-y voice) Bor-ing.
Chris Raine and Dave Ruigh