The University Daily Kansan hates the First Amendment:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble. and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
The Opinion Page proudly presents:
April Fool's Day
Two days early...because the paper doesn't come out on Sunday, which is actually April Fool's Day...
Just go with it.
see Kansan.com for more opinions and I vector All comments
YOURMOM'SDAY, MARCH 30, 2007 WWW.KANSAN.COM
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
PAGE 5A
>> OUR KICKASS OPINION
Screw Ireland, Eminem is the real newsworthy peacemonger
We at the Editorial Board are deeply troubled by conflict, and right now there is a disturbing surplus of such in the news.
Okay, you web critics are right: we don't really read the news. But we hear things when we wander by the News Desk, and they don't sound good. Apparently there are conflicts in places like Iraq, Afghanistan, and someplace called "Israel." Or maybe it's called "Palestine." Honestly, we don't care.
How reassuring for us, then,
to learn that the only conflict that really matters has been settled. No, not the centuries-long feud between Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland — God can work that one out. We refer, of course, to the laying down of verbal arms between Marshal Bruce Mathers III and Kim, his estranged wife.
For too long, this conflict has gone unresolved. While presidents and prime ministers dispatched envoys to far-flung regions, this blood feud and marital discord went
on unfeettered. Fans suffered through the musical and talk radio-based lamentations of this unraveled love.
But what it took, at long last, was an agreement between the two parties that the welfare of their daughter, who has doubtless been protected from the rap culture thus far, trumped all else.
O! how the feud has torn the Motor City asunder! Citizens of the much-maligned 313 stood by helplessly as the two lobed barrages of insults at each other, each scathed
by mortars of vitriol and grenades of hate. Figurative bullets of outrage flew at rap battles from Flint to Ypsilanti, as the two sides resorted to increasingly gruesome imagery in their war of lyrical attrition.
But now, at long last, the dispute comes to its merciful end, and the city of Detroit returns its attention to its booming auto industry. Now comes the time to follow their lead — we must, as a nation, move on from this dark chapter that has pushed all other issues from our
consciousness.
Hear our words, Ahmadinejad! Bush and al-Maliki, take heed! No longer will the petty disputes of foreign wars, having long taken the backseat to the concerns of the Mathers clan, be allowed to carry on unresolved. If these two can reconcile, surely any Sunni and Shiite can find common ground.
No longer will we remain silent. The inspirational actions of Mathers and his wife are too momentous, too
fraught with diplomatic mastery to not serve as a blueprint for future peace. While we call upon world leaders to settle their comparatively trivial differences, we cherish the peace that has at long last settled over the Mathers household.
What's that? You say Mathers is still feeding with his mother?
COMMENTARY
All hope is lost. God help us.
— McKay "$20 word" Stangler for the editorial board.
Pants linked to terrorism, murder
The leggy garments should no longer be free to distract the French or eat drunks
Fuck pants.
Pants are dangerous and should be disregarded completely if we as a species plan to stay the dominant force on this planet.
The U.S. government predicts 129,000 Americans each year die at the murderous hand of pants, and another 5,000,000 worldwide
mostly in rich countries where citizens can afford multiple pairs of pants.
The number one leading cause of death from pants is strangulation. Those numbers are especially high among those in glam bands, and also among bicyclists, who have exceptionally tight pants.
— purchased at a local Dillard's
— came to life and tried to swallow
him through the waistline.
Although there is no scientific proof that pants can come to life, there is one account in a rural Minnesota town that may serve as proof. One man claimed that as he slept one night, his cargo pants
However, eyewitness accounts dispute that claim, saying the man
was blacked out from drinking and was "looking for his keys," and crawled into the pants, where he passed out.
Alive or not,
pants have histrically been,
KANSAN COLUMNIST
OPINION@KANSAN.COM
and continue to be, a leading cause of death among those with legs.
Historians have linked pants to the Nazi defeat of the French in World War II. The French were unprepared for battle because they were not in the fields or at the Maginot Line, but in their homes debating which camouflage pant best matched their bustiers and berets. They lost because of pants! It makes me sick.
An investigation by The University Daily Kansan showed links between pants-related deaths in America and terrorism. The American National Pants Board has worked closely with
Spain's national pants board, Pantalonesl, to promote and coordinate in the production of pants for the past two years. Francisco Cabrera.
Pantalones!s chairman, was caught accepting funds from a terrorist group, which he then laundered through the American National Pants Board to American pants manufacturers.
These manufacturers accepted the terrorists' money on the grounds that there would be an increase in tight-fitting pants and increase in the production of overalls. A Reuters' report yesterday exposed sequins may have been a condition of the agreement as well.
The terrorists are trying to use pants to kill Americans and demoralize our nation's children. Some have even gone on far to say that it is pants who are running this terrorist group, and are looking to create sleeper cells within our borders. These cells are called "sleep bottoms," because they hide from the public and are the lowest form of scum.
In national polls, pants approval rating has dropped drastically during the last six months. This can be attributed to a massive swing in unpopularity among women. Many women have become disgusted with pants as the number of incidents involving men's ball-grabbing and crotch-fixing has increased.
Pants helped the Nazis, killed millions, supported terrorism and caused excessive nut-tugging.
Pants power isn't a political issue, it's a moral issue. It's time we abandon pants and start going ultimatecommando. We need to act before pants strike when we're not looking, and pass us on the food chain.
Jorgensen writes stuff some times, when he's not busy tugging at his crotch.
Grant Snider/KANSAN
Courteous men demand too much of women's simple little minds
Flowers? Gifts? Cute little notes?
What a turn-off. I'd rather have a guy that seems completely disinterested and doesn't care if I live or die. Now that's hot.
It seems that guys have got the idea that all girls want is a man that will do sweet things and treat them with respect, and I'm sick of it. I can't tell you the number of times I've been out with a guy and thought, "Man! He would be so perfect if he was just a little more rude to me." Or, "Ugh,
Nice guys do finish last because women aren't looking for someone
I hate it when a guy compliments me!" I want guys to tell me that I have never looked worse, that they're embarrassed to be seen with me.
I want a guy who stands me up and forgets to call when he says he will. Who wants a guy who follows through with plans? Where's the adventure? I love guys that will blow off a date because hed rather go to a bar with his friends.
sweet, nice or dependable. We want guys that will treat us horribly.
What's the point in being in a relationship with someone who is going to make you feel
good about yourself? That's what friends are for. I need a boyfriend
BY CASSIE GENTRY
KANSAN COLUMNIST OPINION@KANSAN.COM
to lower my self-esteem and make me unhappy and depressed.
Guys should just get straight to the point when asking girls out too: "Hev babe, we're
going out on Saturday. Be there." I want a man who isn't afraid to boss
me around. I hate when guys give me a choice.
That's the whole reason I date: so that they can make all my decisions for me! I don't want to have to choose what I'm going to do on the weekend; I need a guy to make up my simple little mind for me.
a bar, find a girl, and demand she go out with you. Four, when she agrees — because she will — take her to McDonald's and talk about how hot other girls are. If that doesn't work, well, she probably wouldn't have put out anyway.
Nice guys, you should discard all your flowers and sweet sayings. All you need to do to get a girl is the following: One, buy bright-colored polo. Two, pop its collar. Three, go to
Gentry is a Kansas City, Kan., sophomore in a major that doesn't matter — after all, why would a woman need to learn anything?
"FREE FOR ALL"
Call 864-0500
Free for All usually consists of things people call in and say but today we made it up. What are you gonna do, fire us? Regular Free for All will resume Monday.
Ugg boots are sensible, attractive shoes, and it's unfortunate their appearance ended with cold weather.
now.
I am completely sober right
To the person who tripped and fell I found my misfortune saddening, and I only wish I would have bent down to help you.
I don't presently feel like having sex at all.
career
I really, really love the Parking Department.
KU is fine and all, but I sure wish it wasn't so easy to find a parking.
Eric Jorgensen is a fine, bright young man whose logic and relevant opinions should land him Ivy League law school admittance followed by a brilliant political
I'm an insufferable whiner who can't think of anything better to do than bitch about not being able to find a parking spot.
×
X
Weinas!
Amy, will you marry me?
(Editor's note: This comment was actually phoned in.)
OMG getting wasted is SO COOL. OMG! I'm so totally wasted
spot
right now, Free for All, you don't even know.
X
weather.
Waaa, Free for All, solve my problems! Pay attention to me! Waaa,
answer my questions! Free for All,
you're a real person!
Guess what. I am awesome because I have five midterms tomorrow and six papers due and
I haven't been to class in three weeks and I'm blowing it off to get high. Free for All, can you believe what a cool, rebellious student I
am?
Oh, my life sucks! I live in America and I have indoor plumbing and don't know what it means to be hungry and I'm getting an education right now which is more than I can say for most of the world but I can't find a parking spot! My life is so hard! Boobs.
eat M&Ms off the floor.
I don't want to sleep with Brandon Rush, nor do I want to have his babies. I'd just like to meet for a nice discussion at Java Break sometime.
x
I like to give blowjobs and then
Everyone was clothed in my chemistry class today. No big whoop. Just another clothes-filled day in chemistry world.
You know, those frat guys are pretty cool.
TALK TO US
Gabriella Souza editor
864-4854 or gsouza@kansan.com
Nicole Kelley managing editor 864-4854 or nkelley@kansan.com
Patrick Ross, managing editor 864-4854 or prossikansan.com
Gabriella Souza, editor
Courtney Hagen, opinion editor
864-4924 or chagen@kansan.com
Natalie Johnson, associate opinion editor 864-4924 or niohnsonilikansan.com
Lindsey Shiack business manager
864-4014 or lshiack@kansan.com
Jackie Schaffer, sales manager
864-4462 or jschaffer@kansan.com
》 SUBMISSIONS
Malcolm Gibson, general manager, news adviser
864-7667 or mgibbon@akansan.com
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The Kansan welcomes letters to the editor and guest columns submitted by students, faculty and alumni. The Kansen reserves the right to edit, cut to length, or reject all submissions.
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Gabrielle Souza, Nicole Keller, Patrick Ross, Courtney Hage Natalie Johnson, Alison Kieler, Tasha Riggins and McKay Stanger
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