I'VE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR A YEAR, BUT I'M REALLY NEEDY. WE USED TO LIVE TOGETHER AND NOW WE'RE GETTING READY TO LIVE APART. I KNOW MY CLINGINESS IS PUSHING HIM AWAY, BUT I FEEL LIKE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT ANY OTHER WAY. I WANT TO SPEND ALL OF MY TIME WITH HIM. WHAT DO I DO?
with Niloofar Shahmohammadi
JILL, JUNIOR
What do you do? You stop being clingy. Right now.
The number one reason why women cling to their boyfriends like leeches is insecurity. You might think your sense of security in a relationship comes from your significant other, but this is exactly the kind of distorted thinking that creates more barnacles.
My friend's mother told her (and she now constantly repeats) that "No one can make you feel anything." You choose how you feel because feelings develop unconsciously.
Imagine if you had the best boyfriend in the world, who constantly reassured you of his love, sent you flowers every day and never looked at other women. If you felt internally insecure, it wouldn't matter how big of a bouquet he bought you, because you would always have a nagging fear that one day he might leave you. Or that he would cheat on you. If he goes on a family trip for the weekend and you don't hear from him, you would start to wonder if he's angry with you, and if things have changed.
Now compare that with someone who is internally secure. It won't matter if she and her boyfriend have a fight and
don't speak for a few days.She knows he loves her and she trusts that everything will be OK. She doesn't hear from him for a couple of days? His phone battery must have died and he must have lost his charger. She always thinks positively until he gives her a reason to think otherwise.
So you need to start telling yourself that he loves you. That he wouldn't have moved in with you and stayed with you for a year (despite your neediness) if he wasn't in love with you. You need to start dating yourself, doing things without him, instead of hanging around him all the time.
I GAVE MY GIRLFRIENDA BLENDER FOR VALENTINE'S DAY AND SHE'S BEEN ACTING PRETTY DISTANT EVER SINCE. WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
The only reason you want to spend all of your time with him is because you want constant validation from him that he cares. And if you haven't gotten enough of it on a particular day, you think the longer you hang out the more of that reassurance you can get. But the opposite is true.
Stay away for awhile and you'll become more attractive. He'll give you more of that reassurance when he does see you and you'll love yourself more when you don't resemble a blood-sucking worm.
BILLY, FRESHMAN
Oh, Billy! What did you do wrong?!
You bought her a blender! Did you puree your brains with it before you bought it for her? Women want a romantic gift for V-Day, even if it as clichéd as a heart-shaped box of chocolates. She probably thinks the blender was an indication that you're not that crazy about her, when really it just means you're crazy. Consider yourself lucky that she didn't stick your ass in it and hit "whip" as soon as she opened it. But since she refrained, there's probably still hope in the form of Hallmark. Get her a really sappy card.
have some flowers delivered and attach a note that says something cheesy like "Sorry I 'minced' up. I love you. Please forgive me."
Then, use the blender to make her a really damn good dinner. And next year, stick to flowers and candy, or for some variety, a snuggly teddy bear.
Please send your questions and concerns to bitch@kansan.com
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