NOW UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT
A MALE PANDA IN A THAILAND ZOO ISPUT ON A DIET AFTER VETERINARIANSDETERMINE THAT THE PANDA IS "TOO FATFOR SEX." Coincidentally, Hawk Topics writer Chris Raine was shot down at a bar this weekend for the same reason.
A NEW STUDY
SHOWS THAT MALE
DRIVERS ARE 77
PERCENT MORE LIKELY
TO DIE IN A CAR
ACCIDENT THAN
FEMALE DRIVERS.
The most frequent cause of death for male drivers? You guessed it: female drivers.
3 KANSAS SENATOR SAM BROWNBACK ANNOUNCES HE IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008.
Sen. Brownback was the first candidate to name his vice presidential running mate. Election pundits are already speculating that the "Brownback/ Christ" ticket will be difficult to beat.
4 A WOMAN ACCIDENTALLY KILLS HERSELF DURING A RADIO SHOW CONTEST BY DRINKING ALMOST TWO GALLONS OF WATER WITHOUT URINATING DURING AN ILL-FATED ATTEMPT TO WIN A NINTENDO Wii. Darwin just added another notch to his belt.
MONTREAL RESIDENT JULIE BERTRAND, THE WORLD'S OLDEST WOMAN, DIES AT AGE 115. 5
In other news, Hillary Clinton, the world's coldest woman, recently announced that she will run for president in 2008.
8 THE KU MEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM SEES THEIR 10-GAME WIN STREAK END WITH A LOSS TO TEXAS TECH.
Despite the loss, the Jayhawks left Lubbock feeling like winners, because unlike the Red Raiders, they don't have to live in Lubbock, Texas.
LINDSAY LOHAN CHECKS INTO REHAB.
Lohan was reportedly outraged when she was informed that "Rebab was not the name of a bovine."
6 THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES VOTES TO CUT INTEREST RATES ON STUDENT LOANS IN HALE
In related news, local pot dealer Twigs "Nickel-Bag" Murphy reports that area students' interest rate in his products recently doubled.
Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington apologizes for using homosexual slurs against fellow cast member T.R. Knight. However, the producers of Grey's Anatomy have yet to apologize for creating the worst show in the history of American entertainment.
9
NFL STAR MICHAEL VICK IS CAUGHT IN A MIAMI AIRPORT WITH A WATER BOTTLE WITH A HIDDEN
COMPARTMENT
CONTAINING
MARIJUANA RESIDUE.
06 ➤ JAYPLAY 01.25.2007
Courtesy of SNL: We all know that Vick is a running QB, but if Vick was ever a time to heed a coach's advice: Just throw it away!
THINK YOU HAVE A BETTER JOKE? E-MAIL ME AT HAWKTOPICS@KANSAN.COM
Chris Raine