CONTACT
KISS AND （ MY FRIEND WILL ）TELL
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION/ ANNA FALTERMIER
What to say when your friend dates a cheater
by Megan Heffley
Layla Habibi, Wichita senior, still remembers the sting she felt in her chest when she found out. She was sitting in her dorm room freshman year and her boyfriend was again talking about his "friend" from work. In the middle of the conversation, their mutual friend shouted "Oh! That girl? Isn't she the other girlfriend you're talking to?" Layla recalls the way it felt when her stomach hit the cold tiled floor and how she stormed out of the concrete room. The chill of humiliation she felt that day eventually melted away, but in the end, she says, she's glad her friend fessed up.
Knowing that your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend is knockin' boots with someone else shoves you between a boulder and a hard place. There is a way to deal, but you may want to start off by putting out your flames of rage and taking a step back. By maintaining composure and putting your friend's eternal, or even temporary, happiness first, you can find a way to put a cushion between you and that rock.
What to say
To start off, only cold, hard facts are going to get you anywhere with your friend. "Someone told me that...' isn't going to hold enough water to put out the flames when the drama explodes in your face. You should never confront this type of situation with hearsay and with things you didn't observe with your own eyes, says Jeff
King, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Shane M. Jones and Associates."Let them be in charge of how it goes down,"he says.
To do this, King says to start
"YOUR FRIEND IS JUST DOING WHAT THEY THINK IS BEST FOR YOU. THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE FRIENDS. THEY KEEP YOU IN CHECK." LIZ RUSSELL, OVERLAND PARK SENIOR
off by saying something like,
"I want to tell you something
that will be hard and painful to
hear. How would you like me
to tell you?" Your friend might
feel a numbing blanket of panic
cover every inch of his body, but
it will let your friend know that
you genuinely care about his
feelings.
A good support system
Stick around after telling your friend that his boo is cheating, but don't get too involved. You should maintain a subjective and neutral stance and give some space so that your friend and the cheating partner can work things out on their own, King says. David Scoppa, Fayetteville, Ark., senior, says he was lucky to have a good friend when his ex-girlfriend cheated on him. "I played it cool to the guy that told me, and then I found roundabout ways to find out from her," Scoppa says.
Call'em out
Another approach is to go to the cheater and tell him what you know about his "extracurricular activities." Liz Russell, Overland Park senior, believes this is the best way to intervene, "If I knew both of them, I would go to the cheater and say' Either
you tell them today or I will tell them today," Russell says. She's had first-hand experience in having to tell a friend about a loose lover. "It was absolutely awful because you know it will break their heart," Russell says. By confronting infidelity you put the situation fully in the couple's hands and prevent the risk of being the evil messenger.
If the deceitful sack of crap won't admit to cheating on your friend, it is your duty to step in. Before you jump into the fire, think about what to say. Trust your best judgment and be prepared that your friend won't want to hear what you have to say, says Dr. John Wade, a psychologist at Counseling and Psychological Services in Watkins Memorial Health Center. Feedback is a useful tool as well.
"Discuss it hypothetically, you don't have to say who it is, with
DON'T...
try to apply your own theories to the situation.
make judgments about the cheater to your friend.
get sucked into a communication triangle with both of them.
feel guilty for telling.
tell your friend in order to fulfill your own agenda.
say you saw the "warning signs."
tell them before a big test or other stressful event.
Sources: Jeff King, marriage and family therapist with Shane M. Jones and Associates, and Dr. John Wade, psychologist at Counseling and Psychological Services in Watkins Health Center
a friend or two." Wade says "This way you can see if your logic makes sense to other people."
Telling a friend her significant other is cheating on her can be difficult. Make sure you have the facts and are ready to accept your friend's reaction to the news.
Say you'll be there
In the event that your friend gets pissed at you, there are a few important things to remember. Realize that the anger isn't meant toward you even though you may be in its path, Wade says. Keep yourself calm even if you want to punch out a few teeth. The anger will soon be swallowed by pain, and your friend will need a shoulder to catch snot and tears.
"When things like this happen in life, we need our friends," Wade says.
Be supportive of your friend's decision even if you don't agree with it. If they stick with the relationship, remind yourself that at least you're not the one dating the village bicycle.
01. 25.2007 JAYPLAY < 05