Illustration: Joe Thurston
Vince Kelly, Kansas City, Kan., junior, thought he'd finally met a girl who could keep up with him. "Jessica" always had an interesting or funny story to tell. There was never a dull moment between the two. More importantly, Vince felt like he could comfort "Jessica," who had recently lost her fiancé in a car accident.
One night, Vince asked "Jessica's" dad about the accident. Much to his surprise, her dad knew nothing about a fiancé or an accident. Vince didn't immediately realize it, but "Jessica" is what people commonly refer to as a pathological liar. She lies about everything from what she had for breakfast to something as serious as death.
Barbara Stanley, professor of psychiatry at Columbia University, says that many people are pathological liars because they have the need to feel accepted. Pathological liars usually are afraid of the possible negative response they could get from others. It's easier to lie because they won't feel rejected if someone dislikes them.
Their behavior is reinforced because people are too embarrassed to call them on it. The positive reinforcement causes them to lie again and, again, sometimes to the point they have no control over it.
Vince was unable to confront "Jessica" about her lies because he didn't want to deal with an awkward situation. The problem didn't disappear. Instead, he found that he began to question everything that she said. "Jessica's" lying was destroying the relationship. While many people admit to telling a few white lies, pathological liars
differ from "white liars" because what they say negatively affects their daily lives.
Christy Blanchard agrees that friendships with pathological liars can be annoying and hard. The Bert Nash psychologist says if a person continues to lie it can chip away at trust, a core factor of a relationship.
The best way to confront a friend who lies consistently is to make sure you never reinforce lies. If he or she says something you know is false, take them aside and confront them. Letting them know that you will not be lied to makes them embarrassed or uncomfortable enough not to do it again. If they continue to lie, let them know that you have no problem calling them out in public.
Stanley says that if you really like a person who tells more harmless lies, learn to take things they say with a grain of salt. The more comfortable a person becomes with you,the less likely they are to lie to impress you.
Vince did not feel like he could be in an untrustworthy relationship. The last straw was when "Jessica" told him she had an open relationship with a Washington, D.C., diplomat's daughter.
She also recommends therapy to work on the negative self-image many pathological liars have. By improving their self-image, they're able to tolerate rejection.
"The girl would supposedly fly in on the weekends just to sleep with her and then leave," he says. "If she had plans she should have just said so. I didn't want to deal with that."
— Marissa Heffley can be reached at mheffley@kansan.com.