By: Marissa Heffley, Lindsay Kiliper and Brant Stacy Jayplay writers
Your glass is empty. Your wallet is thin. And as you glance around the room, you realize your chances of finding tonight's special someone has fallen through the cracks. The only thing getting to your ass is the sticky beer on the barstool. As you feel a hand creep up your thigh, you look up to meet the eyes of one of your friends. Suddenly, it's too hot in the bar.
After what feels like an hour of sleep, you reach to hit the snooze button and taste the vodka that still lingers on your breath. Still exhausted, you roll over to find yourself staring at your naked friend and a used condom on the floor.
So what happens now? Friends-with-benefits relationships are hardly unusual, but rarely successful. Though you may think you shared a great night, did you lose something bigger, like respect?
Matt Hearn, Olathe senior, says sex with a friend diminishes the chances of a successful relationship because it takes away a certain amount of respect.
"It's not about necessarily the game, but the courtship. I got the prize with no work." Hearn says.
He believes that a girl friend that he's hooked up with would likely respect him less, and admits he has the tendency to feel the same way about her.
When Dennis Dailey, professor of Social Welfare, hears of the lack of respect that exists between friends after an intimate encounter, he clenches his mouth and juts forward in his chair. While Daily says that both sexes can engage in sex for unemotional purposes, friends lacking respect for each other in these relationships can cause sexual encounters to be "a click away from coercive sexuality."
Hearn finds it difficult to think about the potential harm to a friend or friendship at 2 a.m. when alcohol is the key player in the game.
But after waking up in the morning lying next to a friend, he realizes that he's broken morals his parents instilled in him by being what some may consider promiscuous—these same morals lead him to believe that the friendship has been tainted and can't move forward to a successful relationship. Despite having no cruel intentions, he's
Still exhausted, you roll over to find your self staring at your naked friend and a used condom on the floor.
found himself in some pretty awkward situations. Some individuals say they hope to retain friendships even after the potential awkwardness of a late night hook-up with a friend.
After an intimate encounter with a friend, Dittmer says he hopes his friend wouldn't lose respect for him, and that he would never lose respect for her.
Jeff Dittmer, DeSoto senior, hopes that a girl's intentions would be the same as his in the early hours of the morning—even if they involved sexual benefits.
"They're horny, I'm horny, and I'm doing something about it," Dittmer says.
Dailey doesn't shun casual sex, but feels that the aspects important to keeping respect in a friendswith-benefits relationship are communication, valuing each other and not having any double standards about sex.
Lindsey Kinkelaar, Dodge City junior, says communication and mutual respect have kept her own friends-with-benefits relationship from failing. Neither person is looking for a relationship, they can remain emotionally uninvolved and engage in
Dailey believes it's not uncommon for good friends to engage in sexual activity, but that it's rare that emotions don't get involved. Though many friends engage in pleasing each other sexually, their friendship is at risk.
sexual activity.
"A friend with benefits is oxymoronic. To have a friend erotically involved—it's not about love; it's about getting laid. It requires a superficial investment contrary to a good friendship," he says.
So the next time you find yourself salivating over your irresistible friend, consider what a friends-with-benefits relationship truly is. Consider the respect and investment you'll have to put into the relationship to make it work. If you choose to stumble home to the bedroom with a friend, make sure in the morning you talk about it so the next night your ass isn't stuck to that sticky bar stool.
Even Dittmer thinks that in a friends-with-benefits relationship, emotions too often come into play. "Usually something happens...there's guilt or an idea of love through it," he says.
- Marissa Heffley, Lindsay Kiliper and Brant Stacy can be reached at mheffley@kansan.com, ikiliper@kansan.com and bstacy@kansan.com
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