adoption and ask for background information. However, adoption records don't always have the answers. Seidel's records did not list the names of his biological parents. Fortunately, he had another place to start. His adoptive parents had known the name of the doctor who delivered him.
His adoptive parents had known the name of the doctor who delivered Seidel followed the doctor's name to the small town of Hagarman, N.M. Although the physician was deceased, Seidel spoke to the town clerk and the police chief. After extensive conversations with various residents, he discovered his mother's name and the names of her family members. But he found out his mother had dies and that she had no relatives still living in Hagarman, N.M. "I came home thinking that I was finished, that I hit a dead end," he says.
However, Seidel still had a desire to know his biological relatives. He began to look up his relatives' names on the Internet. He matched the name of his biological aunt to a woman living in Michigan. "It was 10 at night in Albuquerque, so it was much later in Michigan, but I couldn't wait," Seidel says. "I picked up the phone and called the number. The woman's ex-husband answered the phone. I just asked him to listen to me."
After Seidel explained himself, he left his number with the man and hung up the phone. Minutes later, his biological aunt returned his call. "She knew about me," he says. "It was such a relief that someone knew about me. And I was able to ask her questions about my biological mother and father."
From this conversation and many others that have followed, Seidel learned that his biological father was also deceased. However, he also discovered that he had biological relatives spread out across the country. Although he has never met his aunt, Seidel still speaks with her. He hopes to meet her soon.
Seidel advises potential seekers like Gross to be persistent and keep things in perspective. "Keep at it, even when you're discouraged," he says. "And don't let it become an obsession. Know that if you didn't find your biological parents, you would still be OK."
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Adoptees who are able to locate a phone number or address for a living, biological parent face a new challenge; contacting the individual. He says that when you obtain a name and an address, it is logical to call or write a simple letter to confirm it is the person you are looking for.
DeSalvo advises adoptees to develop a relationship with their biological parents before meeting them. He says that DeSalvo is on the right track. "I really think it's important to ease into things gently so that the first physical meeting is more of a culmination of a lot of preparation, rather than a starting point," he says. "Talk on the phone over time, send pictures."
DeSalvo also advises adoptees to think of finding their biological parents at the beginning, rather than the end, of the process. He says it's important that adopted individuals understand that when they find their biological parents, it will answer a lot of questions, but that it will also raise more questions. "If you're going to go that route, be prepared to live with what you find," he says.
If a search ends unsuccessfully, DeSalvo advises adoptees to seek solace from their adoptive parents. The adoptive parents are the parents that raised the adoptee, DeSalvo says. They have all the knowledge about the adoptee that matters.
Gross knows that when she begins her search, she will be embarking on a trip of faith. "It's' really hard," she says. "I have this desire to search and to know, but I can't control the outcome. If my biological parents never want to meet me, there's nothing I can do about it."
But Gross is willing to risk that rejection. She wants to gain a better understanding of the girl she sees reflected in the mirror. She says she hopes to learn where each of her features came from and whether or not her biological mother experienced the same awkward stages during adolescence. But Gross also knows that she is complete without this knowledge. She may see herself as a puzzle, but she knows she isn't missing any pieces.
- Lauren Reidy, Jayptay writer, can be reached at lreidy@kansan.com.
"Keep at it, even when you're discouraged. And don't let it become an obsession. Know that if you didn't find your biological parents, you would still be OK."
—Rick Siedel/Albuquerque, N.M. resident
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