When Lindsay Gross looks into a mirror, she sees more than just her reflection. The 22-year-old KU graduate regards her caramel skin, chocolate eyes and coal-colored hair as pieces of a puzzle she's wanted to solve since she was 3 years old. Adopted at 4 months, Gross has no memory of her biological mother and has never met her biological father. She does not share blood or DNA with the parents who raised her, but she knows that doesn't matter. Experience has taught Gross that families are defined by love, not biology.
Today, Gross describes herself as a relatively happy, well-adjusted young woman. She smiles as she explains that she gets her sarcastic sense of humor from her father and her strong sense of loyalty from her mother. But she admits that she is plagued by a nagging curiosity. Whenever Gross looks in the mirror, she wonders about the two people responsible for the color of her eyes.
This constant question inspired Gross' recent decision to search for her biological parents. "For a long time, I thought I didn't need to search," she says. "I thought I could live with all my questions." But when she read an article about a girl who had searched and received closure, she decided she wanted closure and to calm her curiosities.
Gross' attitude is not uncommon, says Counseling and Psychological Services Director Francis DeSalvo. He says that adopted individuals generally want to know where they come from and the circumstances that made the adoption necessary. "They may want to regain a sense of value that their biological parents took from them by giving them away."
Adoptees like Meley Feaster have less complicated reasons for wanting to find their biological parents. "I don't want any sort of relationship with them," says the Garden City senior. "But I would like to find out my medical history."
DeSalvo warns adoptees to have realistic expectations about searching for their biological parents. "Problems can arise when a person is expecting a fantasy," DeSalvo says. "Most searches don't end with two people running through a field of clover into a big embrace."
Claremont, Calif., resident Jean Strauss advises potential seekers to hope for the best and anticipate the worst. Strauss, author of Birthright: The Guide to Search and Reunion for Adoptees, Birthparents, and Adoptive Parents, says people can find out terrible things: that they're a child of rape, their parents are in jail or deceased, their parents could refuse to see them they may never find their parents at all "You need to be prepared for all that," Strauss says.
Gross plans to take the time she needs to prepare. "I'm going to wait to actively search until I'm more stable than I am now," she says. "My parents would be really supportive, but I want to wait until I have a family of my own to help me deal with the possible rejection."
Rick Seidel made the opposite choice. The 55-year-old Albuquerque, N.M., resident did not begin to search for his biological parents until after his adoptive parents and his wife passed away. "It felt like the most important thing to do," he says. "I didn't have any expectations. I just thought it would be nice to meet them." Seidel began the process by petitioning the Children's Court of Santa Fe, N.M., to open his adoption files in 2001.
According to Marle Anderson, coordinator for The Adoptees' Liberty Movement Association, he started his search in the right place. Anderson advises any adoptees who want to find their biological parents to follow the paper trail. "Ask the adoptive parents for the petition or the final adoption decree," she says. "It will have their birth name and the name of their birth mother and father."
If the adoptive parents don't have the adoption petition, they can obtain a copy from the state or attorney who handled the adoption. Adoptees should contact the attorney or agency that finalized the
"For a long time, I thought I didn't need to search. I thought I could live with all my questions."
Lindsay Gross/KU graduate
thursday. december 11, 2003
jayplay 15