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breakup has just happened, you have a lot of information that is fresh in your mind that will help you to heal," Castillo says. "The only way to prevent the same mistakes from happening again is to learn from your past relationships." She says analyzing and understanding what led to the breakup will put you in a good position to begin a new relationship.
You'll know it's right to move on when you understand why your last relationship ended and why you want to be
in a new one. Knowing what you're looking for in a partner will help you to find it a lot faster, Castillo says. "We can stop negative dating patterns by evaluating why good and bad things happened past relationships," she says. "Nobody teaches us how to heal, but you can find the tools to create your own process of healing."
IT'S NOT YOU...
—Jacqueline Lenart, Jayplay writer can be reached at jlenart@kansan.com.
It's over. And it seems that the whole world knows except for your soon-to-be-ex significant other. Even though you are ready to move on, breaking someone's heart is never an easy thing to do.
In order to make it bearable for your ex you need a plan of action according to Lisa Daily author of, oddly enough, Stop Getting Dumped! All You Need to Know to Make Men Fall Madly in Love with You and Marry "The One" in 3 Years or Less. A plan helps you to avoid giving the relationship another try simply because your resolve faded and hopefully steers you away from a long, drawn-out scene.
Location
It almost goes unsaid that the decent thing to do is breakup in person. Pick a meeting place that is a public space but won't be overly crowded. Daily advises making sure that escape routes are convenient. The best locations are parks, which are public enough to avoid a dramatic scene but private enough for your ex to avoid embarrassment. Restaurants are a close second but can run the risk of being too public. Think about all those times you listened in on the private conversation of someone at the next table. The absolute worst places to break up are at parties or at work."The only thing worse than being dumped is being dumped in front of people you're going to have to see on a regular basis," Daily writes.
Now that you have sidestepped some
Timing
of the awkward situations that a location can put you in, you have to think about how to time your meeting. It seems that when you finally decide to have the talk both parties know what it's about. Try not to prolong it and get right to the point. If you have chosen a restaurant as your location, this can be tricky. Daily advises waiting until you have the check. You don't want to have to sit around in uncomfortable silence waiting for it to arrive. Daily also advises that you, as the dumper, should most definitely foot the bill. The ideal situation would be to get to the point and go your separate ways as soon as it is over.
Happy Holidava
Nothing adds to holiday blues more than being dumped right before the start of a major one. Don't break up with someone within two weeks of a major holiday or his/her birthday, Daily writes. Around Christmas and Valentine's Day, wait about a month.
It's Me.
When telling your ex why, make sure the reasons relate only to you, Daily writes. Stick with a simple sentence such as, "This is not working for me," and keep repeating it. When you start getting specific, your ex can counter and drag you into a negotiation to work things out, even if you don't want to. The bottom line is to be sympathetic but firm. If you don't stand your ground, you'll get dragged back in.
-Becky Rogers, Jayplay writer, can be reached at brogers@kansan.com
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thursday. december 11, 2003