relating
heartache
Cheer up, there may be something you can learn from a breakup. BY JACQUELINE LENART
Tear stained pillows crowd the couch, covered with balled-up Kleenex, as you watch the two lovers embrace on television. Quoting their lines along with them, you're swept away from your recent lost love into the perfect movie romance. But when the last scene ends and your bonbons are gone, you're left to pick up the pieces of your relationship's not so Hollywood ending.
If your latest makeup turned into a breakup, you're not alone. Single adults continue to be the
fastest growing of all populations groups, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Even though there's supposed to be strength in numbers, feeling strong after a
breakup isn't always common. But healing is a process that you have power over.
While emotional healing won't happen over night, don't rely on time to heal all wounds, says Jeanette Castillo, author of Get Over Your Ex F.A.S.T. She says expecting feelings to heal themselves over time is a myth and unhealthy because you have to take control of your healing process or you'll prolong your pain. Each path to healing is individual, but ignoring your emotions won't help you to move
on, she says.
Accept your feelings by allowing yourself to cry if you need to, and give yourself support, Castillo says. "Be your own best friend," she says. "You have to do that for yourself and not just create more negative feelings." She says it's unhealthy to avoid your feelings about the breakup because you're only denying your ability to heal. Casual sex and alcohol are
also unhealthy coping methods because you're hurting yourself to avoid facing the pain of your breakup. The key
healing is acceptance of the situation, Castillo says. Once you've come to terms with the breakup you can start to learn from the ended relationship.
A good place to start is to write a romantic resume, says Sherry Amatenstein, author of Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She says making a list of past partners will help you to see patterns in the personalities of the people you've dated. Those patterns will
you can really get a lot out of it."
She says evaluating your role in the past relationship will help you to establish your new, independent role. It's your chance to reconnect with anything that you once loved but sacrificed for your relationship and to learn what you're not willing to give up again. Exploring your feelings through a journal might help you
to channel your anger or sadness toward acceptance. Remember that what you're feeling isn't indicative of who you are. Share your feelings with friends and talk about what worked in the relationship and what didn't, Amatenstein says.
Experts agree that you can track your healing by evaluating if you've faced your feelings about the breakup and the relationship. If you're working with your problems, then youre opening your mind to change and the possibility of a new relationship. "When a
thursday, december 11, 2003
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