tongue in beak
To get in contact with or send spam to the Tongue in Beak e-mail us at beak@kansan.com or call Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
BRIEFLY
Guy downstairs has whip
The guy who lives directly below you has an actual whip, your roommate reported Wednesday.
During a routine visit to ask the neighbor to turn down the bass on his stereo, a whip just like the one from Indiana Jones was spotted on the breakfast table just inside the door.
The guy, who was already known to be weird, probably has it for a joke or something. You never know, though. Speculation continues as to whether he also has throwing knives.
KUJH scraps plan for reality series based on online enrollment
KUJH program directors have decided to shelve a reality TV series based on online enrollment after test audiences found its lack of controversy highly disturbing.
The program, tentatively entitled Behind the Portal: Rock, Chalk and Enroll (Online), was deemed lame despite efforts by KUJH programmers to develop a titillating concept and hire a colorful cast.
"We had all the ingredients: the gay kid, the virgin, a renovated computer lab, alcohol," said KUJH program developer Martina Christianson, Hollywood senior. "We even had a poignant sequence in which the jaded non-traditional student drunkenly fired up his desktop and dropped all his class so he could accommodate History 399: The Samurai and HSES 108: Hip Hop Yoga. I don't know what it was that doomed the show, besides the complete lack of human interaction in online enrollment process."
KUJH is currently producing a holiday special developed by the abundant vaudevillians in the greek system. Until then, the network will run endless silent broadcasts of old KU basketball games. Gotta love that Kevin Pritchard.
New measures recommended to reduce crime, violence in city
A special task force commissioned to look at the recent crimes in Lawrence issued the following recommendations yesterday:
Government-issued media ban on "bad stuff"
Less fog on streets to improve visibility
Feed doughnuts to angry troll under Lied Center-Daisy Hill bridge
Stricter immigration/naturalization policies for wayward youth of Topeka, Tonganoxie
Reinstallment of couches on neighborhood porches so vagrants can pass out outside and not in people's living rooms
Vigilante posse led by Homer J. Simpson
Mandatory techno-dance therapy sessions called "It's Brothers Gonna Kraftwerk It Out" for all "It's Brothers" patrons.
KU Anarchists name new execs
More hugs
The KU Anarchist club has announced its new executive members for the spring semester. They are: Jim Navarro, Overland Park senior, president; Sally Kuehn, Olathe junior, vice president and Rob Addison, Lenexa freshman, director of throwing rocks at trants who drive nice cars.
"These dedicated individuals will lead the KU Anerchista to new heights of dumpster diving and stylistic uniformity." Navarro said, brandishing a bike pump. "Flight the power."
All stories by L.W. except for "Guy Downstairs Has Whip, which arrived as an unsigned AP news release.
Mazda Tangerine Bowl to boost team's vitamin C intake, health
By Ellis Burks
beak@kansan.com
Kansas sane writer
When University of Kansas quarterback Bill Whittemore went down with an injury during the K-State game, everyone thought it was a collarbone injury that sidelined the senior.
However, coach Mark Mangino said yesterday that the real reason Whittemore missed out on four games was because of a real bad head cold.
Whittemore's body was lacking the sufficient vitamin C it needed to fight the germs he picked up at a Manhattan restaurant the night before the game.
"He was fighting some bad sinus pressure, and then his nose started running, we were all worried," said Whittimore's backup, freshman Adam Barman.
Mangino said other members of the team have battled the sniffles all season, one of the reasons the Jayhawks accepted a bid to the Tangerine Bowl.'
"With cold season coming around, you can never have too much vitamin C," he said. "And we figured what a better place to load up on vitamin C
Singer Robert Plant is set to perform the Led Zeppelin song "Tangerine" at haftime of the Tangerine Bowl. Coach Mark Mangino hopes the bowl will boost the team's health.
than the Tangerine Bowl."
The Jayhawks have ignored reports that playing in the Tangerine Bowl does not increase the body's vitamin C levels.
Mangino became confused when doctors told him to have his players eat tangerines and other citrus fruits out of a bowl in the locker room.
"I can't wait to get to Orlando and have the team step inside that stadium," Mangino said. "We'll get so much vitamin C, we won't get colds for a year. Go Hawks!"
Academics encouraged by KU football success
Football fans are not the only Jayhawks celebrating KU's defeat of Iowa State and subsequent bowl berth. In academic buildings across campus, department heads have given pep talks to their esteemed faculty emphasizing that they, too, can achieve mediocrity.
"We really think it's time to just sit in the boat and not rock it for a while," said chemistry professor Ernest Galpern. To demonstrate their commitment to averageness, KU chemists will hold a ceremony Jan. 28 in Bailey Hall to reaffirm the existence of helium.
"We found it once, and that has really been a credit to the University," Galpern said. "Why try for a breakthrough when we can go .500 and get some cheers for once?"
Linguistics department head Arlene Beckerschmidt remarked, "Ya know, once in a while we need to just cool our jets. People get sick of constant advances in the field. After all, it's just human language! 'Beak'em, 'Hawks!"
Chancellor Hemenway is expected to set the growing trend full-tilt as he announces the first A-OK Award for Satisfactory Education this spring. When asked for encouraging words, the Chancellor exclaimed, "Let's show everyone that Jayhawks—on and off the field—can really break even!"
—Sam Hopkins
KU bathroom renovations completed
By Kevin O'Halloran
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
Taking a trip to a campus bathroom used to be a bleak experience. Not anymore.
The University has begun a multifaceted campaign to brighten the bathrooms and the smiles of those who use them. The renovation's most important feature is cutting down on unnecessary waste.
Enter any Wescoe bathroom today and you won't find any toilet paper. In a brilliant environmental move, toflet paper has been eliminated. Likewise, paper towels have been removed. You also won't find many of the toilets flushed. To preserve freshwater resources, flushing is reserved for making a number two, and sometimes not even then.
"I like the changes," said one sophomore as he dried his hands on his shirt. "America has to shed its reputation of disrespecting the environment. KU has gone Euro-style"
A Creativity Outreach program complements the environmental features of the program. Students are encouraged to bring pens and markers to add their own brand of creative energy to the walls. Kobe Tai, director of bathroom renovations, gave her philosophy behind the Creativity Outreach program.
"Each stall is not merely an object of privacy but a potential mural," Tai said. "I believe that freshman males in particular have a lot to say and they express it through their scribbling."
A plethora of messages now decorate Wescoe stalls. They include enough insightful philosophical questions, thought-provoking political voices and uplifting religious messages to rival the Free for All. They also include cute limericks about poo.
"We encourage all students to visit a campus bathroom today" said Tai.
MISSING:
MISSING:
Squirrel
HEIGHT:
3'10"
WEIGHT:
99 lbs.
DISPOSITION:
dazed, confused
PET PEEVES:
U.S. Postal Service
LAST SEEN:
Topeka Zoo
FOR TIPS:
boak@kansan.com
thursday. december 4.2003
jayplay 31