relating
looking for love
Homosexuals face challenges and social pressures when looking for that special someone. BY BECKY ROGERS
Relationships are tricky. They fill us with questions, doubts and worries. They play such a large role in our lives that at Jayplay we devote an entire section to them every week. But when you throw in the word gay, you introduce an entirely new set of problems and questions.
Like everyone, homosexuals are trying to navigate their way through a maze of people looking for that special someone. Like everyone, they face the challenges of meeting someone, dating and working on relationships. But unlike everyone else they have to maneuver around the stigma that society attaches to their relationship because of the words that classify them.
Meeting people, for example, is never easy. It is always hard to walk up to someone you are interested in and start a conversation, but if you are homosexual you could be putting yourself in danger, Jacqueline Weinstock, co-author of Lesbian Friendships: For Ourselves and Each Other, says. She says that before you approach someone, you need to make sure they are gay by looking for signs in the conversation or asking around.
Hitting on someone who is straight could lead to verbal or even physical abuse. "You can't just go anywhere and hit on someone," Patrick Ross, Topeka sophomore and director of Queers and Allies says. "Everyone assumes you are straight until proven gay. Even I do that." Weinstock agrees that before you approach someone you need to make sure they are gay by looking for signs in the conversation or asking around.
Events and organizations sponsored by gay and lesbian groups are the safest ways to meet other homosexuals. When Ross
was a teenager, the Internet was the only outlet he had for meeting other gay men. Sites such as gay.com and match.com as well as personal ads are good resources for meeting other homosexuals. However always make sure you take precautions to protect yourself before meeting someone face to face. Queers and Allies is also an excellent resource for homosexual students. It hosts social events such as potlucks and parties that provide an opportunity to meet other homosexuals in a safe environment. Other events such as "Family Night" at Jack Flanigans Bar and Grill, 806 W. 24th St., on Wednesdays provide a place for gays and lesbians to meet.
Once they have found someone they are interested in, same-sex couples have to deal with issues that aren't present in heterosexual relationships. Couples with one partner in the closet and another partner out have a hard time reconciling that difference. This is challenging to the partner who is out because he does not feel the need to hide his relationship. Often this is a part of the criteria for choosing someone to date, Ross says.
Another challenge is displaying affection in public. Heterosexual couples have more freedom to display affection than homosexual couples, says Kim Howard, co-editor of Out and About Campus: Personal Accounts by Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender College Students. Although she has been with her partner Annie Stevens, who is also a co-editor of Out and About Campus, for 10 years, they still do not feel comfortable even holding hands in public. Public displays of affection for same-sex couples can put them in situations where others
become rude or even violent toward them, she says. Ross says even though he would feel comfortable holding hands with his boyfriend in Lawrence, he definitely would not do the same thing in Topeka.
Even with the recent attention on gay lifestyles and culture, especially in shows such as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Boy Meets Boy both on Bravo, homosexual relationship are still not fully accepted in society. Howard, Stevens and Weinstock agree that these shows mostly perpetuate stereotypes, but they do think that the shows have started a dialogue about gay relationships and have helped with visibility. Ross says these shows will eventually help gay relationships become more accepted.
-Becky Rogers, Jayplay writer, can be reached at brogers@kansan.com.
thursday, december 4, 2003
jayplay 5