4a
Opinion
Tuesday, April 24, 2001
Perspective
for comments, contact Chris Borniger or Nathan Willis at 864-4924 or opinion@kansan.com
Columnist asks: Just who is that masturbating man?
The other day, while hiding in the basement of Watson Library and pondering how pathetic and meaningless my life has become, I began to read the various messages scribbled on the desk where I was sitting.
There was, of course, the obligatory greek letters and band logos, but one subject seemed to dominate the conversation — the campus masturbator.
In case you don't remember, the masturbator was the catchy name given (by this very paper) to the perpetrator of a number of public pleasure incidents a few semesters ago. This series of crimes has become legendary. In Lawrence, the masturbator challenges O.J. Simpson for the title of Most Popular Criminal of the truth
Unimprisoned Criminal of the 20th century
Who can forget the masturbator being spotted doing his thing in his van outside the post office or in the woods down by the river? Certainly not the Kansan.
He was mentioned in the April Fool's issue and before that, twice in the Free for All. One of these Free for All comments boldly hailed the return of this great meat handler.
Matt Overstreet columnist
oionier@kansan.com
In my professional journalistic opinion, I think this verbal ejaculation was a bit premature. There is no hard evidence to support this claim. The perpetrator of the incident which sparked this statement was arrested, unlike the true masturbator, who was never apprehended.
The messages scribbed in Watson make many claims such as "the masturbator is God," "I am the masturbator" and "the masturbator was here." After much research, I have determined that only one of these statements is true. Contrary to popular belief in certain fraternity houses, it's not the one that claims the masturbator is God. Whoever wrote that seriously misinterpreted the part of the Bible that talks about loving thyself. If pleasuring yourself in public is a divine act, then George Michael should be the Pope.
Equally incorrect is the person who claimed to be the masturbator. This message was written in neatly flowing scrawl and outlined by flowers. No daring rogue such as the masturbator would ever use such feminine calligraphy. I suspect that either Martha Stewart or my grandma sneaked into Waton to write that bit of graffiti.
The third claim is the only one that I believe to be true. The masturbator was twice seen using his tool in Watson and is a reported fan of Brit-pop rockers, such as The Cure. This is important because the person who wrote "the masturbator was here" scribbed "I need the Cure" right next to it. This second statement was later changed to read "I need the Cure ... for syphilis."
But again, that was probably written by Martha Stewart.
So the masturbator has left his mark in Watson, but what does it mean? I don't know. But one thing I can tell you is that we shouldn't blame him for his actions.
Lawrence is the kind of town that breeds this kind of behavior. You can buy porno at every gas station and bookstore from here to Eudora. I walk into Total to buy a pack of cigarettes and walk out with Dirty Debutant 5 in one hand and a copy of Barely Legal Babes in the other. God bless this town.
As a recent caller to the Free for All stated,
"sexual perverts such as the masturbator are not funny, especially to their victims."
Perhaps this is true, but I ask that caller,
what if their crimes involve farm animals?
Then are they funny? Of course they are.
Nothing is more humorous then a grown man exposing himself to a cow. In fact, I think that is the plot of the new Tom Green movie.
Finally, on behalf of the entire Kansan staff, I'd like to thank the masturbator. Unlike Student Senate, the presidential candidates and the football team, you give us something to write about that students will actually read. That said, I think that it is probably a good idea that you finally stopped your outdoor arousal sessions.
As my friend Mr. Beers can attest, whipping it out is never a good way to introduce yourself to people and can lead to serious legal repercussions. So masturbator, keep on handling yourself in such a newsworthy manner. Just not outside sorority houses.
Overstreet is an Augusta junior in political science.
A COMPARATIVE STUDY OF POLITICAL ACTIVISM
Eric Devericks/TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES
By the Numbers 49 million
consumption would drop if SUVs' average fuel efficiency increased by 3 miles per gallon.
National petroleum and the proposed drilling of Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is projected to yield.
Hours after taking office in 1993 that Bill Clinton ordered a five-year delay on lobbying ex-White House officials.
23 Days before leaving office that Clinton revoked the order.
1 in 33 Chance that a TV character engaging in sexual intercourse during the 1978-98 season was a teen-ager.
Source: Harper's Index
Perspective
Solution to intolerance: Everyone must shut up
Have never been happier to be a Jayhawk than when Justin Mills was elected student body president. In the wake of the Black Student Union's protest of the Kansan and several disheartening comments in the Free for All, I was beginning to lose faith in students. But you guys went out and proved me wrong — we do have some other
On a campus Whiter than an REO Speedwagon concert, we elected an African-American president. By doing this, we are taking a huge step toward increasing diversity on campus and easing conflicting attitudes about race on campus. Even better, race was never really an issue during the entire election.
Eric Borja
columnist
opinion@kansan.com
But in the same week I thought our campus and nation were working toward greater equality, some people had to go and muck it up.
Someone wrote "AIDS kills fags dead" on the door of two residents of Lewis Hall. Both are former floormates of mine, and I remember when the same incident happened last year to one of the residents.
Then Cincinnati looked like Montgomery, Ala., in the1960s — complete with rioting and protests — after a 19-year-old unarmed African-American man was shot to death during an altercation with the Cincinnati Police Department. And in Kansas City, 14 derogatory and discriminating letters were sent to various African-American churches.
So much for working for greater equality It seems as if for every step in the right direction toward fighting intolerance, we
It's a shame that even in college, some people stifl are subjected to elementary attacks on their character.
take two steps back. In an age when discrimination is viewed as a remnant of the past, intolerance is more prevalent than ever.
In high school classes and even here at the University of Kansas, most of us discuss discrimination as if it were a thing of the past. We watch videos of how segregated and intolerant America was at the beginning of the century.
But no one ever talks about how most of the attitudes prevalent then still are today. They are just hidden under a thin coat of political correctness.
Intolerance creeps out in incidents such as the message on those residents' door. It's everywhere: Catholic vs. Protestant, anti-abortion vs. pro-choice, gay vs. straight, Black vs. White, Palestinian vs. Israeli, Serbs vs. Croatians, and of course — Eminem vs. the world.
For example, John Ashcroft was criticized before his appointment as attorney general for his conservative stance. Yet people want a more diverse government. Doesn't a highly spiritual man from the Midwest embody an important ingredient in our collective melting pot?
We cannot stop intolerance. By fighting against one group or belief, we are, in a sense, practicing intolerance — we aren't accepting other views, and irreconcilable differences are fostered.
Instead of fighting every derogatory or questionable comment, we all need to just relax and know that despite whatever someone thinks, we can step back, realize that person is full of crap and go about our lives in a peaceful and civilized manner — knowing we are right.
Instead of spouting off about how we need to be more accepting of others, I offer a simpler solution to fight intolerance and discrimination: Everyone just needs to shut up.
Borja is a Springfield, Mo., sophomore in journalism.
Editorial
Safer campus relies on input from students
Inadequate lighting near the scholarship halls demands student action
A recurring complaint of many people living in or near the scholarship halls is the inadequate lighting.
Although the University is in the midst of completing a five-year lighting plan, the area near the scholarship halls won't see many more lights beyond a couple new ones behind the chancellor's house
Regardless, something must be done about the lack of lighting there. University officials should coordinate their efforts with city officials to ensure students' well-being.
Rather than installing lights, the Campus Safety Board decided to install several more blue phones in this area of campus, such as the parking lot at 12th and Louisiana streets and at 14th Street and Alumni Place. These phones would be able to dial 864-prefixed numbers as well.
These new phones, scheduled to be installed this summer, will be a welcome addition to campus, as Southwestern Bell is removing all but four pay phones from campus in the coming year. Without the new blue phones, there clearly would be a void in campus safety, should a student need to call 911 in an emergency.
And although there currently is no plan to install substantially better lighting around the scholarship halls, there should be. Each student pays a $2 campus safety fee per semester. If we have to pay to feel safe on our own campus, then the University better follow through.
There are still places on campus and near it where students won't feel safe walking alone at night. This simply shouldn't be the case.
We urge you to attend the Campus Safety Board meeting at 3:30 today at Alcove D in the Kansas Union. A safer校 will become a reality only when students demand it.
Justin Henning for the editorial board
free for all 882-3500
Free for All callers have 20 seconds to speak about any topic they wish. The Kansan reserves the right to edit submissions, and not all of them will be published. Slenderous statements will not be printed. For more comments, visit www.kansan.com.
is that apartment complex across from Memorial Stadium supporting the KU Athletic department? If so, is it by providing 20 free parking spaces on event days?
Ben Walker and Andrew Bailey:
People saw you take the pins out of
the office. Put them back.
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Maybe if I were an Oread scholar could get some of the classes I wanted.
Good job to the KU basketball players for NCAA for a Day. Oh wait, you took 70 percent of the proceeds.
Happy belated 4/20 to all you pot heads out there. Keep puffing.
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To the person that made the derogataory comment about Jessica Bankston in yesterday's paper: Jeaousley is an ugly thing, and I'm sure that you're an ugly person.
I just wanted to know who the genius was who scheduled McCollum Hall's Battle of the Bands as the same day as Day on the Hill. Idiots.
国
Yeah, I was just wondering if any of these people who have been saying negative stuff about Justin Mills in the Free for All have ever even met the man. Because if you had, you wouldn't be making ignorant and uninformed statements. Thank you.
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I just wanted to call to say thanks to the Kansan for the phenomenal coverage of Pride Week, and the additional articles you've written.
I'm reading Free for All, and there's so much negativity it's ridiculous. I just wanted to say props to the baseball team. I went to that game, and you guys did great against Nebraska.
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We need to stop this hatred toward the greek community. It's silly. The greek community is harmless.
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I decided to give KU a chance for a year. But after being here and puttin' up with all this crap, I'm going back to K-State.
Why is it that when someone says something that is biblically based, it's looked down upon? It's not hate for someone to say something that comes from the Bible. It's because they love you. Look at the Bible. We don't want you to go to hell. Christians love you.
God bless John McCool.
Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
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