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monday, april 2, 2001
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6A
Chancellor writes bio, spends time with ODB
By Chris Borniger opinion@kansan.com Kansan opinion editor
Following in the success of his biography of African-American author Zora Neale Hurston, Chancellor Robert Hemenway entered this week's New York Times best-seller list at No. 7 with his latest effort, Nigga Please: The Life of Ol' Dirty Bastard.
When informed that the book about the rapper made the Times list in its first week of publication, Hemenway said, "Damn."
"ODB is a person of extraordinary talent and exuberance." Hemenway said. "I'm profoundly honored to see my book, a testament to his art, find such a wide audience."
Ol' Dirty Bastard, also known as Russell Jones, has long been hailed as a misunderstood genius. Hemenway said. Although much of the publicity surrounding him has centered on his stints
in drug rehab and jail, ODB's lyrics reveal a sensitive, spiritual side, Mimenway said.
"Amid a barrage of funky beats and chest-crushing basslines, Ol' Dirty's passion for social commentary shines through." he said. "He uses his personal experiences with addiction, life in the ghetto and poor den
Hemenway: said ODB inspired his own rap career.
tal hygiene to call for a more unified, compassionate society."
Hemenway said that behind ODB's genius was a self-destructive streak.
"In many of his lyrics, he's crying out in pain, especially in the tracks 'Shimmy Shimmy Ya' and 'Hippa to Da Hoppa,'"
Hemenay said. "Each of these songs, like many of his other singles, indicate that Dirty's highly public troubles with the law — and the vitriolic reviews of music critics — have sent him into a downward spiral of despair.
"That's why, just a couple of years ago, he briefly changed his name to Little
Baby Jesus." Hemenway said. "He envisions himself as a prophet of redemption, just as Jack Kerouac did. He sees himself as a savior, redeeming the world through his own downtrodden life."
ODB.collaborated with Hemenway on an upcoming album
Hemenway recalled bonding with Dirty when the rapper visited The Outlook, the chancellor's home on the University of Kansas campus.
"Although he publicly portrays himself as a kind of ghetto jester, he's a really kind, laid-back guy," Hemenway said. "During one interview, we sat on my porch drinking 40-ounce bottles of Ammo malt liquor. He really opened up to me. Before you know it, we were rapping freestyle. He's truly inspired my own burgeoning rap career."
The collaboration, Ol' Dirty Bastard and Da Chanzla Pimpin'Hos, is due on record shelves this fall.
William Kristol, a Times book reviewer, said Hemenway's book was a compelling novel about a rap artist who rose from hoodlum to superstar.
"Hemenway paints a picture of a tortured soul who rose to fame both as a member of Wu Tang Clan and as a solo artist," Kristol said. "Hemenway's in-depth exploration of Dirty's childhood in a rough Brooklyn neighborhood is a tear-jerking, evocative, masterpiece of nonfiction.
"After reading it, even I wanted to smoke crack," Kristol said.
Woman beaten with ugly stick
By Nathan Willis
opinion@kansan.com
Kansas associate opinion editor
A 19-year-old female KU student is in stable condition at New-You Plastic Surgery Specialists after being beaten with an ugly stick Saturday night.
Police have no suspects but have cautioned everyone to avoid contact with males.
"The one thing we do know is that the attacker was a male," said Lt. Schuyler Bailey. "So I would avoid males at all costs. I would especially avoid all males carrying giant ugly sticks and threatening people. They may look cute at first, but you'll regret it later when you have a bibian and a giant nose."
Bailey also urged a mass panic on campus until the attacker is found.
The attack occurred about 9:30 p.m. near Watson Library, the KU Public Safety Office said.
A witness, Justin Klutenhamer, Overland Park Junior, said the attack lasted only about a
"I was walking the other direction on the sidewalk and had just passed her when I heard her scream," he said. "I turned around and saw a guy beating her. I chased him off, but it was too late.
minute but that the attacker was able to administer several sharp blows.
He said he glanced at the woman before the beating and judged her "pretty good-looking."
He said the victim's face was twisted into a repugnant mismatch of features, "like a horse belching, if you can imagine that."
"But after the attack, I just shudded," Klutenhamer said. "I mean, I've seen some horribly ugly people in my life, but ... my God."
Klutenham drove the woman to New-You.
"That decision may have saved her from being a freak the rest of her life," Bailey said.
"Many people would have driven her to the hospital, but that's the worst thing you can do. That allows the ugly features to set in."
Sharon Pater, a plastic surgeon at New-You,
performed emergency surgery on the victim
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN BEATEN WITH AN UGLY STICK
Unfortunately, not all victims of ugly-stick assault know they've been attacked because attackers are tond of slipping victims drugs that make them pass out before the attack occurs.
Here are some telltale signs to watch for:
■ People shriek every time you walk into a room.
■ You keep seeing sights on your door with
"Hideous freak!" again and again.
Your girlfriend/boyfriend suddenly breaks
up with you because "frankly, I'd be more attracted to a mule."
- You don't remember always having giant buck teeth or deformed earlobes.
suckle风铃 for qualified enquiries
If you get attacked, here's what to do:
If you get attacked, here's what to do:
Immediately put a bag over your head. If there is no bag available, remove your underwear and use it to cover your face
and said she expected a full recovery.
"She may still have a few excess moles," Pater said. "Those little boogers are tougher than you'd think. But otherwise, we think we were able to clean her up pretty nicely."
Contact a plastic surgeon immediately.
The attack continues a surge of ugly-stick beatings on campus. Saturday night's attack brought the total for the academic year to 26, the 68 percent increase from five years ago. The
number of students who have been pushed out of ugly trees and hit every branch on the way down also has jumped.
Bailey attributed the surge to an increasingly ugly on-campus population.
"The students on campus have gone from pretty hot to butt-ugly in the last few years." Bailey said. "Statistics show that already-ugly people commit 90 percent of ugly-stick beatings. They resent better-looking people, and the ugly stick is an easy way to lash out."
Safety office will require students to use hamster balls
A KU student steps into one of the prototype human-sized hamster balls. The contraptions, made by Coca-Cola, are being tested right now, but will be implemented for use beginning this summer. A system to help students get up the hill in the balls is being devised. Photo by Selena Jabarq/KANSAN
Coca-Cola to make contraptions designed for campus safety
By Chris Hopkins writer@kansan.com Special to the Kansan
In a revolutionary step of preventative medicine, the KU Public Safety Office will require students on campus to travel in giant hamster balls starting this summer. Prototypes are already in use.
Ralph Oliver, director of the public safety office, said he thought of the plan after hearing about that boy in the bubble.
While the plan has no direct connection to Saturday's ugly stick beating, it is in response to increased injuries to students. The University saw a record number of injuries—and lawsuits—last winter, when sporadic snow and ice kept sidewalks slick. Fearing further litigation, the University turned to Oliver.
"I thought to myself, 'What could be safer than that?'" he said.
Oliver has taken quick steps to implement his plan. Coca-Cola already has agreed to be the exclusive supplier of the giant hamster balls and has promised to provide the same quality service as it has in its current contract.
Students using the prototypes already have reported several problems, including difficulty getting up the hill and the inability to get through doors. A large number of students also have reported injuries resulting from rolling down stairs.
Oliver said doors would be widened to accommodate the new system, buses would be exchanged for motorized egg cartons, and he said there were several ideas for further easing travel around campus.
"One idea was to install giant pinball equipment around campus — you know, bumpers, ramps and the like," Oliver said. "We could hold contests. 'Knock down all the targets on Strong and win free tuition!'"
He speculated that the University could market it as an amusement park to generate extra funds. He posited "Happywackyfunland" as a possible name.
"Another plan was setting up scaffolding similar to those theater gumball machines, with a giant ski lift to carry students to the top of a system of funnels and tubes." Oliver said.
Oliver said some "prissy sissies" suggested that such a system might jostle students too much.
Some students are looking forward to the new happywackyfun campus.
"I think the pinball thing would be really cool," said Wilbur Nether, Lawrence senior and Planet Pinball employee. "I could gank some of the bumper coils, and build, like, the biggest rail gun ever."
"Only James Bond, or perhaps the Masked Masturbator, could stop me then."
While the plan also has received praise from hypochondriacs and smokers, who will be allowed to smoke in their individual balls, many other students are opposed to the plan.
A coalition of students, calling themselves Students Against Moronic Evil Odd Lying Demented Stupid Hateful Insane Treachery, will protest the plan and petition the administration to stop it and be merciful.
"It just seems — how do I put this — asinine," said Miguel Sanchez, Tijuana, Mexico, sophomore.
None of the administrators could be reached for comment, and it has been rumored that they have joined Chancellor Robert Hemenway (Da Chanzla) in Ol' Dirty Bastard's posse.
Time change a historical practical joke
By Sara Nutt
features@kansan.com
Kansan special sections editor
Apparently, the man who invented electricity may have also invented the whoopie cushion.
The discovery of one of Benjamin Franklin's diaries has revealed that not only was he one of the greatest inventors of all time, but also was a practical loker.
Franklin is credited with the concept of Daylight Savings Time, which, conveniently for Franklin, falls appropriately near April Fool's Day each year. A quote from his diary states: "I shall make a fool of most of the world — with the exception of Indiana, Arizona and Hawaii
— with my notion of time saving. The entire world shall oversleep, and I shall laugh."
"If Franklin were alive, he'd be laughing at us all today," said Gadine-dine Schlepper, history professor at Idaho University. "At the Continental Congress of 1775, he joy buzzed John Adams so many times they started calling him 'Shocky John.'"
Although Daylight Savings Time was not instituted until 1918, repealed in 1919, observed sporadically across the United States from 1945 to 1966, officially reinstated nationwide in 1966, reformed in 1972 and again in 1986. Franklin's greatest ioke still has the world mystified
"I hate the time change," said Mabel Cross, Goshen, Ind., resident. "I moved to Indiana just to avoid being confused all year round."
Scientists argue that Daylight Savings Time is more than just a 200-year old prank because it saves electricity, increases daylight hours and improves visibility for drivers by 400 percent. However, several religious groups argue that Daylight Savings Time is "playing God."
One of the greatest opponents is Ted Helps, pastor of the Eastboro Methodist Church in Topeka. Helps said that the time change was the government's way to control the elements of earth.
"God did not intend for us to live outside of His time specifications. This will surely send us all to hell."
Despite evidence that Daylight Savings Time is a big joke, scientists warn against resetting clocks. Edgar Krysteig, professor of time studies at MIT, said that constantly altering the time could have an adverse effect.
"Look, we all know that Daylight Savings Time is one of the dumbest things ever, but if people keep changing their clocks, we're all going to be walking, jet-lagged zombies," he said.
University drops in national stretchy black pant rankings
By Kursten Phelps
wher@kansan.com
Kansan campus editor
The gods of polyester and Lyca are busting at the seams to squeeze more KU women into black stretchy pants after the University slipped from No. 3 to No. 6 in the national stretchy black pants wearing ranking issued today by the Princeton Review.
Provost David Shulenburger said he was disappointed by the slip in the polls, but that he would continue to fight for the elasticized comfort of all KU students.
But the University's downfall from the top of the black stretchy pant world hasn't frzzled, Sally Sigler, Chicago (actually just a suburb), sophomore, just yet.
"It's an outrage that our students are suffering because of the continual budget crisis," Shulenburger said. "Some of them are struggling and can only afford one or two pairs of the blessed pants. Some of our best-dressed students are having to turn to jeans and some daws, dear God, even sweets."
"I think it's totally a cycle thing," Sigler explained. "I mean, sometimes you want to wear the stretchy pants, and sometimes, you're just thinking, 'Girl,' it's a capi day."
Lizzie Dizzyz, a senior who refused to identify her hometown but said it was in Johnson County, described herself as a recovering black Lycra-polyester leggings addict.
After a series of unfortunate incidents involving the slinky pants, she committed herself to an emotional rehab program at the Betsy Johnson fashion rehabilitation center.
"I would come home every night with splinters in my butt from sitting on the benches at the Crossing," Dizzily said. "I finally had to admit to myself that I need something more durable."
And despite the magnificent stretching capacity of the pants, Missy Lovett, Day-
When I went to Cancun for spring break, "cerveza was the only word in Spanish I knew." Lovett said. "They kept bringing on the Corona, and by Friday night, my black stretchy pants just, like, exploded. I guess the elastic couldn't hold anymore."
But Lovett vowed that she would work off the kegs she guzzled and slither back into the stretchy stale of her wardrobe.
"It's my duty as a proud Jayhawk to get us back up in the rankings," she said.
"Besides, what else am I supposed to wear with my New Balance shoes?"
Kristi Elliott / KANSAN
■ By the way you guys.. April Fools ■ By the way you guys.. April Fools ■ By the way you guys.. April Fools ■ By the way you guys.. April Fools ■