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Section B • Page 4
The University Daily Kansan Thursday, January 18, 2001
Thursday, January 18, 2001
Options abound despite Gore's loss
By Greg Zielinski
jayplay@kanson.com
jayplay columnist
Though the new millennium is
still very young, it has already had its share of fascinating, incredible and controversial news stories. Since the Saved by the Bell flasco at Bayside High when Mr. Belding left Screech in charge for the day, to Jessie and Slater's shocking breakup, the news of our world has rarely been
so thought-
Ziolinski
provoking. Still, the biggest news story of 2001 has clearly been the slightly less humorous presidential election. Like it or not, George W. Bush will be our nation's president for the next four years, ushering in an era of constant smirking and comical dyslexia. But what will become of the other candidates? While Ralph Nader will probably retire to his commune with his army of idealist hippies, Al Gore's future seems decidedly less certain. Here are a few suggestions of how Al could spend his time:
Top Ten Post-Election Plans for Al Gore:
10) Help Jimmy Carter build houses for disadvantaged families, donating his time as a wall stud.
9) Move back in with Tommy Lee Jones and his other college "roommate," the 4-foot PVC pipe "King Bong."
8) Witness the dedication of his hometown statue, but destroy it in a fit of jealousy when they nail the plaque to his feet and the statue goes home to Tipper's sweet lovin'.
7) Head south of the border and begin life anew as Latin pop sensation "Alberto Gore."
6) Follow Jesse Ventura into the XFL play-by-play booth, contributing his own brand of Dennis Miller-esqe humor: a somber; creepy, unfunny brand.
5) Take advantage of campaign criticism that he's "too robotic" and try to land a role in Terminator 3 as Arnold's cyborg nemesis.
3) Following general disbelief that he invented the Internet, get patents on other little-known Gore inventions such as mathematics, written and spoken language, fire, and The Clapper.
4) Star in the new, hip sitcom Ally McGore.
2) Run for president of his book club, only to lose narrowly when a crucial portion of his support is inexplicably drawn to Ralph Nader.
1) Pass out "Don't Blame Me, I Voted Gore" bumper stickers on Wall Street.
Zielinski is a Lakewood, Colo., freshman.
Don't forget the 20% student discount when placing a classified. With proof of KUID
MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — When a 10-year-old heard about a New Jersey police dog that took a bullet for its department, he decided he wanted to do something to protect the canine cops in town.
Young boy raises money for police dog's protection
Oddities
So Jacob Rumer has been collecting money since July to buy a bulletproof vest for Yukon. The 3-year-old German shepherd is the Morgantown Police Department's only law-enforcing dog.
"It's important that we try to do as much as we can for the dogs that try and protect us," Jacob said.
"it's something they need, but we normally wouldn't buy something like this," said officer C.H. Lott, Yukon's handler. The vests cost $650; Jacob has raised $500.
Teen caught running away as he hitched ride on rig
PORTLAND, Ore. — A teenager apparently running away from home didn't get very far riding on the dolly bar connecting two trailers of a commercial rig.
A passing motorist spotted the 16-year-old runaway jump between the trailers while it was stopped at an intersection.
The driver called the Oregon State Police. Troopers stopped the truck, which was traveling about 60 mph.
The boy was returned to his parents. Driver Donald S. Herbert, 45, of Vancouver, Wash., didn't know the teen was on his truck.
Man sentenced to probation for spraying women with oil
COLUMBUS, Ohio — A man accused of spraying women with a mixture of urine and salad oil has been sentenced to cleaning restrooms and animal cages at the zoo.
Michael Cautela, 39, pleaded no contest this week in Franklin County Municipal Court to two counts of aggravated menacing.
"You seem to like waste products," Judge James Fais said to Cautela.
Police said he sprayed two women with the mixture July 6 outside a bookstore. When asked why he did it, Cautela said, "I just like to see ladies with oil on them."
Cautela was also sentenced to five years of probation.
Kerrville resident protests zoning rules with toilets
mended the City Council deny his request to sell "high end" used cars on his plot of land along Highway 16.
SAN ANTONIO — To hear landowners tell it, zoning rules in the central Texas town of Kerrville have allowed the neighborhood to go to pot. Don Holmes has been stewing since a planning and zoning commission last month reco-
In protest, he placed 22 used portable toilets for sale in the space.
"I could literally do anything I want to over there but try to sell cars," said Holemes, 64.
The yellow toiletis, sold for $150 each, sit next to a multimillion-dollar hotel in the town north.
"I'm on my way over there right now to put signs on them that say, 'one owner' and 'low mileage.'" Holmes said yesterday.
west of San Antonio.
Crossword
The Associated Press
City planning director Tim Dolan said the gateway district, designated in 1997, promoted land use to encourage tourism, recreation and visitation.
16 Bound forward
17 Irrigation controller
19 Dogs
20 Take a survey of
18 And so on and so on
23 Maid or Knight
24 Scallying flower
25 That woman
27 Sailwing instrument
28 Automobile tag
29 Put in stitches
31 Hairless
38 Mulitude
39 Talon
41 Earth model
42 Domini
44 Make grateful
46 M Dobbs and Hardin
49 Socialist system
52 For every
53 Botton-line figure
54 Border shrub
58 Director Lupino
60 Keep out
62 Manicurist's boards
64 Moves to the beak
68 Bookkeepers?
68 Something to think about
69 Far less cordial
70 Port city of New York
71 Classify
72 Hot, spicy drink
73 Cereal grasses
DOWN
1 First to strike
Caesar
2 Earthenware pots
3 Mocking reproach
4 Whine
5 Tiger's gadgets
6 Off-white color
© 2001 Tribune Media Services, Inc
All rights reserved.
1/18/01
7 Time period
8 Editor's note
9 Boxing great
11 Abridgment of freedom
12 Cock-and-bull story
13 Went fast
14 Gulf of Mex. neighbor
22 Manage to deal
22 Countersign
23 Kelp, e.g.
24 Hoopster
25 Ms. Verougro
30 Baseball's Slaughter
34 Flat-bottomed boat
35 Hamburg river
36 Household scenery
40 Marriage partner
42 Surpassed
45 Characteristic
Solutions
clothes
47 Old anesthetic
10 Terror Caruso
15 Journaling
15 Writing
57 Wish granter
55 Mississippi
quartet?
58 Egyptian bird
58 Long-gone bird
60 Write Shelley
65 Made a lap
61 One heart, e.g.
The University Daily Kansan Reader's Representatives ..
Tell them when the Kansan misses a story that needs to be in the paper.
Tell them what you want to see in the paper.
If you have a question, ask them.
They are here to listen to you.
Leita Schultes, readers' representative, will be in the Kansan newsroom, 111 Stauffer-Flint Hall, from 2:30 to 5:30 p.m. on Mondays.
Warisa Chulindra, associate readers representative, will be in the Kansan newsroom, 111 Stauffer-Flint Hall from 2:30 to 5:30 p.m. on Thursdays.
Phone: 864-4810
E-mail: readersrep@kansan.com
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