University Daily Kansan / Fridav. November 30. 1990
5
Sheiks offer U.S. profit
Many Americans, concerned about the Middle East situation, have been asking, "Why should you try to be the world's policeman?"
There's been no satisfactory answer to that question. Depending on whom you believe, we're doing it because we don't like naked aggression, or even fully clothed aggression, or we're doing it because of oil, or we've done it because we want to prevent Israel from blowing Baghdad away.
Within this country, the private-security industry has boomed in recent years. Businesses, communities and individuals now hire rentals to protect their property and persons. The security agencies provide a full range of police services and send a monthly bill.
Since that's what we're now doing as a country in the Persian Gulf, maybe we should follow the example of the security industry.
President Bush has been hopping around the world, trying to round up support for a military adventure against Iraq. He hasn't found much enthusiasm, so that could mean he was wrong the approach all along.
Maybe it would be better if Bush walked into the offices of those timid heads of state and said, "Good afternoon, Sheik Babbadabado. I'm George Bush, and I represent U.S. Worldwide Security Inc. I'd like to explain our full range of services to you."
"Ah yes, Mr. Bush, but I have my own in-house security coverage, and we've found that adequate."
So maybe the question should be,
"If we are going to be the world's policeman, why don't we do it on a business basis and show a profit?"
"I understand. But are you covered against massive naked aggression, fully-gulged aggression or invasion
Mike Royko
Syndicated columnist
Whatever the reasons, we do appear to have become the world's policeman. We've been at it for much of this century, with mixed results: I, World War II, Korea, Vietnam, of Canada, Panama and now in the desert
"Well, no, but I don't anticipate such problems."
"
"You may be right. So what can you do for me?"
"Ha-ha, nobody anticipates such problems, Sheik Babbadabddab, but they have a way of happening. Let's face it, it is a jungle out there. Studies have shown that the naked aggression rate among power-mad tyrants is rising and will do so indefinitely. I don't afford to take chances, can one?"
Good afternoon, Sheik Babbadabbado, I'm George Bush, and I represent U.S. Worldwide Security Inc. I'd like to explain our full range of services to you.
"As I said, we have a full range of services: a professionally licensed Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force, plus a part-time manpower pool of reserve personnel who can be called in for special events. And we offer the very latest in state-of-the-art, antitransport technology."
by power-mad tyrants?''
"You name it, we've got it. Little ones, big ones. Everything from your basic heat seekers to full-scale ICBMs. We can guarantee the most boom for your buck or your money back."
"Missiles?"
"The very latest in nuclear powered. And so quiet that they can be in
"Submarines?"
your swimming pool without you knowing it. Here, glance at this brochure and you'll get an idea of what we have to offer."
“
"Yes, very impressive. Everything from supersonic bombers to fully armed choppers."
"I can live with that. But one other question. What happens if I aspire to become a power-man tyrant and to masquerade an aggression against a neighbor?"
"Well, sheik, we didn't get to be the biggest and the best by playing with slingshots."
"That would depend on whether your neighbor and intended victim is also a client of ours."
"I see here that you also offer intelligence services?"
"One of our specialties. We've got round-the-clock spy satellite service. Not to bragg, but right now I could push a button on my computer here and in minutes have a closeup photo of our wife is doing at this very moment."
"What about my mistress?"
"It depends on the client's size and needs. In your case, it would be about $1 billion a month, payable on the lst."
"Our technicians are the best, and it can be done in almost no time. You'll have this key pad. When you go to bed at night, you punch the 'Border Secure' button. That means that if any power-mad tyrant crosses your borders, it alerts our main dispatch office in the Pentagon, and our security forces are dispatched to apprehend the perpetrators."
"No problem. It's all part of the basic package. Now, I'm sure you know what it would cost you to put up your own spy satellite. If you've prized it out, you know that it would have more cost-effective to use our service.
"I'm sure we can work something out. Business is business."
"How long does it take to install your system?"
▶ Mike Royko is a syndicated columnist for the Chicago Tribune.
Advertise in The Daily Kansan for Quick Results
EXENE CERVENKA made an acclaimed solo debut with Old Wives Tales, putting the power of X into a quieter, more personal context. RUNNING SACRED is the next step forward, keeping the intimate feel while moving to a guitar-driven sound.
EXENE CERVENKA made an acoustic more personal context. RUNNING SACRED is the guitar-driven sound.
Material runs the gamut from the humble opener "Slave Labor" to the haunted "Red Dirt", from the hard rocking "Just Another Perfect Day" to a chilling cover of "Will Jesus Wash the Bloodstains From Your Hands" by folk singer Hazel Dickens. And Exene's vocals power each song on RUNNING SACRED with newfound strength. Old Wives Tales was hailed as "a unique and special album" and RUNNING SACRED reinforces Exene's already strong reputation.
Legal Services for Students
Legal Services Available Free With Valid KU ID Appointment Necessary
*Includes Rebate
LARGE PIZZA!
1-TOPPING
$5 BUCKS
JUST ASK FOR THE $5 DOLLAR FRENZY! ADDITIONAL TOPPINGS $1 EACH
ADDITIONAL TOPPINGS $1 EACH.
832 IOWA
OPEN FOR LUNCH!
841-8002
Nobody Deliver Better
1445 W. 23RD
841-7900
HOURS: SUN-THURS, 11 AM-1 AM FRI-SAT, 11 AM-2 AM
LIMIT 100 EXPIRES 12:24-90
Here are all of the signs of HIV that you can see.
The truth is, there is absolutely no way to tell from outward appearance who is infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. A lot of people figure that HIV is something other people get, not them. But don't fool yourself. Anyone can get HIV-infection by having sex with an infected person or sharing drug needles. Remember, AIDS is not a disease of who you are. It's a disease of what you do.
For more information about HIV disease and AIDS, contact the HIV/STD Education Committee at Watkins Health Education Department, 864-9570.
WOMEN AND AIDS
English Alternative Theatre presents
The Way We Live by Susan Sontag André's Mother by Terrence McNally
2 short plays about people living with people with AIDS directed by Paul Stephen Lim
November 29 & 30 and December 1, 8 p.m.
December 1 & 2 & 2:30 p.m.
Spencer Art Museum
Reservations 864-4710, $5 contribution at the door.
Proceeds after expenses to benefit
Douglas County AIDS Project.
The University of Kansas HIV/STD
EDUCATION COMMITTEE