SPEAK
OUT OF THE DARK
THE WORST QUESTIONS ARE THE ONES WITHOUT ANSWERS
When I picked up the phone that brisk November night in 2010, I could tell that all wasn't well. Phil, one of my best friends, asked if I could come over. "Of course," I told him. "Is everything OK?"
His simple response terrified me
"No." A click, then. . . silence.
I sped across town, my mind racing through the horrible things that could await me at the guys' house on Garfield Street. I trudged up the same walk that I had hundreds of times before with a new feeling of dread and absolute fear.
I opened the door to find the couches full of my friends, sobbing uncontrollably. Phil saw me arrive and approached me. He wasn't crying, but his eyes were heavy with... something. I guess the best word would be sorrow.
"Matt shot himself," was all he could manage.
Suddenly my mind felt unattached from the rest of my body. My stomach sunk into itself like some kind of terrible black hole. And the grim parade of questions began to barrage my brain.
Matt Adair was one of my random roommates in Lewis Hall, room 202 my freshman year. I met him and his family while my mom and I were moving stuff into the room. And, like everyone who knew Matt, I remember his laugh. Even though we had just met, we found things to laugh about with our families as we began this
I remember my birthday freshman year. It was May 14th, 2008, and everyone was moving out. As the clock midnight and I uneventfully turned 19, Matt had an idea. "You know that furniture out back that everyone's throwing out? Let's make it the 'Birthday Lounge,'" he said, with a familiar glint in his eye.
new experience.
Along with our friend Sean, we dragged three beaten-up recliners to the top of the hill behind Lewis. We sat, smoked terrible cigars and looked out over the whole campus.
It was supposed to be a grand beginning.
Once I got a hold of myself, I was on the couch, head in my hands, too shocked to cry.
And as I sat there, seemingly melting in my own grief, one thought kept flashing in my head.
"What the hell?"
This isn't supposed to happen. Matt was 21. We thought he was happy. We thought we would always be there for him, as he always was for us. And now...we were just lost.
As a group, we excel at having a good time and laughing at ourselves. But this? We didn't know what to do with this.
Matt left us with one phrase, one mantra, one tiny thing we could hold onto throughout the day.
"The greatest man who ever lived."
It's perfect. The boldness, the confidence, the attitude of "this is me, like it or not." And we did. We loved Matt, because he was always laughing, making us laugh or very likely both. And he always seemed to have time for a late-night chat if one of us was feeling mad, sad or otherwise.
That mantra is still there, the lone sentence in his About Me section on Facebook. But now it sits alongside the social media version of eulogies, messages from loved ones who still reach out to Matt.
The days between the night we got the news and the wake are still a haze to me. Somehow I made it to most of my classes, even though I felt like I was walking through thick, murky Jell-O every time I left my apartment.
The one thing I do remember from those days was when I was asked to be a pallbearer. At first, I was deeply honored that Matt's family asked me, along with four of my best friends, to be a part of the service.
But then fear, that sneaky son of a bitch,
crept in.
The more I thought about it, the more I pictured actually carrying Matt down an aisle in a casket, the more I thought that I simply wasn't up for it.
During an afternoon drive, I told one of my other best friends (and fellow pallbearer) Austin
Contributed Photo
Coping through tragedy: Elliot Metz (right) and his friend Mart (left) recline in the "Birthday Lounge" they created behind Lewis Hall. Elliot has learned about the power of friendship after Matt's unexpected death last fall.
"Of course you're gonna do it. And yeah, it's going to suck. It's going to be absolutely terrible. But we're all going to do it together, and we're going to be there for each other."
that I didn't think I could do it.
So that's what we did. We fulfilled our duties as pallbearers. And we sat in one row at the wake, and we cried.
One thing I've learned from the experience is that, with tragedy, the questions just don't go away. You really hope they will. You think that, magically, you'll eventually go through a day without thinking about that horrible, dark thing.
We all take better care of each other now. We know the true importance on those late night heart-to-hearts when one of us is feeling low. We know how vital it is that we check in with each other, with the terrible realization that none of us really knew what Matt was going through. And we never will.
But it doesn't work like that. We all think about Matt each and every day. And the more I think about him, the more I think that it must be for the better. I know we have to keep him in our hearts. What happened with Matt was unspeakably awful, but good things have come out of it. We have to realize that good things are happening in our lives.
We're slowly learning to let the little things go. So many of the problems that people our age have with each other are little things, when it comes right down to it. The commonly accepted word for this is "drama." The better word for it is "bullshit."
I'll never forget the first time I saw Matt's father Jeff that weekend. The rest of the pallbearers and I had just arrived, some time before the wake. We walked into the church, and there was Jeff. After giving each of us a bear hug, he looked around at all of us, tears in his eyes.
"That's the thing about Matt. . . he knew how to pick good friends," he told us. Or something very similar; I can't remember because I was bawling by the end of his sentence.
Later that night, we held the first annual "Mattsgiving," and we did exactly what Matt would have told us to do. We ate, we drank and we laughed.
// ELLIOT METZ
Aaron Harris/KANSAN and maintenance
monius, students can expect to see construction beginning on 12th Street between Louisiana to Vermont streets because the Oread Neighborhood Lighting Project will finally be executed.
Phase one has been contracted and workers are busy completing other projects before beginning
Additional funds that were needed from the Community Development Block Grant went through, so the final phases of the
the city of Lawrence, the project will be broken down into four phases. The first phase will include construction on the sidewalk of 12th Street between Louisiana and Vermont streets to comply with handicap standards of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Phases three and four include the installation of lights along 12th Street between Louisiana
they will wait until class is out and after graduation, so it's the least inconvenient to students"
Phase two, which includes 10-foot decorative light poles in South Park, will commence as soon as the materials are delivered.
should be completed before the end of the year, Thiel said, with the possibility that phase four will continue until 2012.
The project will help increase safety for students and community members who travel along that pathway.
SEE LIGHT ON PAGE 3A
Oread Neighborhood Lighting Project
Only cases of a stolen bicycle and some ill-placed graffiti stirred the spring break silence.
Two campus crimes occur during break
CRIME|3A
Check here if new address
TO:
PARKING & TRANSIT DEPARTMENT
UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS
1501 IRVING HILL ROAD
LAWRIVING KANSAS 66045-7006
SEE FEES ON PAGE 3A
Although nothing has been decided upon yet, the department has submitted different budgets to the provost's office. One of the budgets involving the red zone includes a percentage increase on various things like parking permits, fines,
With the economic inflation and more students taking the bus, the University's parking and transit revenues are decreasing, leading it to make up for the lost revenue in some way.
BY LAURA THOMAS
Ithomas@kansan.com
TICKETS | 3A
Students planning on buying a KU parking pass for the next school year could be in for an unpleasant surprise.The parking and transit department at the University is considering a parking fee increase around campus.
"The parking and transit department is completely user funded," Donna Hultine, University director of parking and transit, said. "So we really rely on the revenue streams of parking permits, tickets, garage revenue and events."
One more sentenced in ticket scandal
Former athletics department employees now face steep fines and years of jail time.
Check out Kansan.com for more information about the potential increases in parking for the 2011 2012 school year.
SOFTBALL | 8A
Jayhawks prepare to fight for first Big 12 victory against Huskers today
After recent losses to No.11 Missouri and No.8 Texas, and a split doubleheader against UKMC, Kansas turns its attention to Big 12 play in its upcoming game against No.16 Nebraska.