THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2011
PAGE 5A
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Sometimes you just got to wake up and fart.
I'm a merman. MERMAN!
I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.
Is it bad I'm watching the live feed Mass St. camera waiting for someone to wreck?
Half handle of vodka consumed+ half mile hike in the blizzard = epic snow day.
Champagne snow cones.
Why do all the journalists for the Kansan have the same names as the characters on Castle? So confusing, but so awesome. Editor's Note: We looked up the character's names and we are really confused. Please clarify.
Best part about the snow day: I cant see you...
Even my nice, warm room is starting to be cold. I need a girl to make it warm again...
I am leaving a 100 bucks in my will to anyone who attends my funeral wearing a grim reaper costume and doesn't speak to anyone.
Heehh.. Lucius Malfoy just promised Harry Potter that he'd "meet the same sticky end." HEY-O.
DOES. HE. LOOK. LIKE. A. BITCH?!
When I was little I used to take the amount of Oreos that equaled my age. I wish I could still do that.
I've been watching Dexter so much I've begun having internal monologues with myself throughout the day.
My roommates are playing Call of Duty: Black Ops and listening to Miley Cyrus. I judge them.
:/ sigh. I'm stuck in my house all alone for two days with my brand new 8-week-old pup and no food or caror cigarettes. Damnit, God just shat on my parade.
No, seriously. I'd love to have some snow day sex. That would be awesome right now.
Man, being snowed in for two days would be one scenario where having roommates would be nice. Other than that, never.
I seriously hate people who wrap their scarves around their hoods...
Seriously, sky! Get some Head & Shoulders or something!!
Need advice? Ask our expert columnists and take their advice at your own risk. We posed the first question, but we would like to hear from you. Submit your questions to dmscott@kansan.com or mmatney@kansan.com.
Please include your name, year, major and hometown.
There has been a surprising lack of discussion about alcoholic snow cones on here. Come on KU!
Good
HUMOR
know this is too late for you, but for everyone else remember that condoms aren't 100 percent, the pill isn't 100 percent, and pulling out isn't 100 percent. But combine their powers, and it's pretty close.
"I've been with my girlfriend for six months, and a couple of days ago she told me she's pregnant and that I'm definitely the father. What should I do, advice wizards?" - A.J. Hawk (English major)
Remember that it doesn't suck as much for you as it does for her. Sure, you're in the
awkward position of having to stand in the delivery room as her (other) daddy is trying his hardest to develop Superman powers so he can laser eye you, but she has to endure a 15 on the one to 10 pain scale.
Bad
I hope that English major comes with a business minor because writing your memoir
(since your life is now over) is not going to be enough to afford rent on the one-bedroom box in which you'll be living.
Jerod Kilgore is a junior from Lenexa in film and media studies.
What's that? I can't hear you. Hold on.
Let me take my fingers out of my ears. See what I just did? The easiest way to get out of doing something is to pretend you didn't know you were supposed to do it. That's why I'm always saying things like, 'Sorry officer, I didn't see your lights!'
'I didn't know that was due today,' and 'Stealing is illegal?!' So the next time your girlfriend says something about that darn pregnancy, act like you didn't hear her or you're hearing about it for the first time, no matter how many times she's told you! If the problem doesn't go away, you may have to
Ugly
act like you're from out-of-state and have never met before.
never met before
You better practice saying things like 'What a lovely city you have!' before it's too late!
What you have to do now is explore your options. The popular choice, of course, is the iPhone 4, especially with Verizon providing an alternative to AT&T's woeful service. However, it would be wise to hold off on an iPhone until Verizon proves its network can handle all that data. Not to mention the fact that the next model is likely to come out this year.
After you've made your decision, find a black market dealer and begin trade negotiations. Don't be afraid to bargain: Your baby is worth it! Who knows, if it's cute enough, maybe they'll pay for your data plan, too! Good luck!"
Lou Schumaker is a junior from Overland Park in film and media studies.
If you're not into Apple, other quality
smartphones include the Droid and Sprint's Evo, which has gotten rave reviews. They may not be as trendy as the iPhone, but they certainly bring a lot to the table, even without the benefit of Apple's extensive app selection.
top-notch e-readers.
And of course, if you're already set in the phone department, the iPad and its emerging tablet rivals are worth looking into, as well as the Kindle, Nook and other
Alex Nichols is a senior from Stilwell in creative writing.
COMMENTARY
Forget biology class, Weird Al needs help
As was reported in this paper and others, the world of pseudoscience was rocked earlier this year when it was announced there would be a new astrological symbol joining the horoscope.
The symbol in question was Ophiuchus, the Roman version of the Greek god of healing and medicine. He is symbolized both by that rod with a snake around it — the one you see on the side of ambulances — and by having a stupid name.
The addition of Ophiuchus is the biggest change to happen to the pseudoscientific community since homeopaths began ignoring the fact that homeopathy is a giant scam.
For the world at large, little changed with the addition of this new astrological symbol. Life goes on just as it did before, except that some children born after 2009 will have to cope with the fact that they have an astrological symbol that many scientists are calling "pretty lame."
However, this change to the horoscope has had one devastating effect.
Alfred "Weird Al" Yankovic was born the son of a former soldier from Kansas City, Kan, and grew up in Lynwood, Calif. He began school early and got a degree in architecture from California Polytechnic State University before embarking on a career in song parody — because that makes sense.
By adding a 13th symbol to the horoscope, the astrological community has made a mockery of a multi-platinum selling musician and celebrity whose name has become synonymous with intelligence and normalcy: "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Weird Al's unique brand of "vaguely funny musical humor" gained popularity with hits like "Another One Rides the Bus" and "Eat It" before doing a bunch of other stuff that Wikipedia merely glosses over.
BY LOU SCHUMAKER
lschumaker@kansan.com
In 1999, he released "Running with Scissors," which quickly became his most popular album, or at least that's
what I assume, since it's the only one I am familiar with.
The album featured hit songs like "The Saga Begins," a parody of "American Pie" and "Polka Power!" which is a medley of popular songs sung at a fast tempo, because Weird Al does what Weird Al wants to do.
The song ruined by the addition of Ophiuchus is "Your Horoscope Today," a parody of ska and bands like The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. It's an often-overlooked song, but is nonetheless crucial to Weird Al's songbook.
In it, Weird Al provides absurd horoscopes for each of the astrological symbols using his characteristic acid-tongued wit and verbal dexterity, with unforgettable lines like "Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos/With the Ebola virus" and "Your birthday party will be ruined once again/By your explosive flatulence."
In the aftermath of the announcement, Weird Al hastily wrote a new lyric concerning Ophiuchus, but is hardly worth the brilliance evident in the rest of the song. Also, it doesn't really make any sense.
There hasn't been a musical shake-up of this magnitude since the Beatles revealed that love is not all you need.
In order to save this timeless piece of musical Americana, I'm asking every man and woman at KU to spend every waking hour coming up with new lines for the song, or at least while you're zoning out during your biology class.
Schumaker is a junior from Overland Park in film and media studies.
CORRECTION
In a letter to the editor featured in yesterday's paper about social media's role in the Egyptian revolt, we did not print Maya Tao's full name. We appologize for this mistake.
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U.S. must take action to compete globally
There are many reasons why the hype against China has become not only political but also part of pop culture. Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell initiated this crossover when, in response to the postponement of the Philadelphia Eagles' game against the Minnesota Vikings due to weather, he stated, "We've become a nation of wusses. The Chinese are kicking our butt in everything. If this was in China do you think the Chinese would have called off the game?"
INTERNATIONAL POLITICS
Because of the recent anti-China rhetoric, here's a bold prediction. Within the next year, someone will make a thriller movie that tops the box office based on the threat of China. This movie will star some B-list actor like Megan Fox or Billy Ray Cyrus and be called something like "Countdown to Communism." It will be awful. But let's be honest, we will all go see it.
There's no better way to get the country thinking about political issues than evoking football.
But there is something Americans are even more sensitive about than football. Our children.
When the Wall Street Journal ran an excerpt from Yale law professor Amy Chua's essay titled "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior," the discussion on China's rising officially moved from Washington, D.C., to dinner tables around the U.S. Chua's essay created quite a stir among American mothers who ferociously defended their way of parenting.
Why does it matter that Americans recently seem so obsessed with our competition with China? Well, it could be exactly the impetus needed for Congress to start taking the competition seriously.
As President Obama stated in his State of the Union speech last week, "The most important contest we face today is not between Democrats and Republicans. It's America's contest with competitors across the globe for the jobs and industries of our time."
It's no secret that he's talking about China. In fact, the State of the Union had more explicit mentions of China than any previous one. This ought to
BY MEGAN ADAMS madams@kansan.com
tell you something about Washington's sense of insecurity towards China.
Not that the U.S. should admit defeat, but the fact is China is beating us in many important races. For instance, the Wall Street Journal announced China as the leader in green technology. While the impact of China's lead on clean technology isn't seen yet, in the coming years this will translate into a major economic and environmental advantage for China.
This is a race we cannot afford to lose.
China's environmental lead is just the beginning. The Obama Administration ought to make progress on our educational deficit as well. A recent assessment of education across the globe called the Program for International Student Assessment (PISA) revealed shocking results. Students from the United States scored 17th overall, while students from Shanghai ranked first in all categories. The results weren't close.
It's not surprising that there is a strong connection between education and overall economic growth. For a long-term solution to our economic woes, President Obama and Congress must ensure our students become more competitive.
It's great that more people are talking about our competition with China but unless action is taken in Washington, it won't matter. It's time to even the scores across the board. Though it's easy to blame China for many of our problems, the fault is our own.
Adams is a junior from Overland Park in political science and international studies.
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THE EDITORIAL BOARD
Members of the Kansai Editorial Board are Nick Gerik, Alex Garrison, Kelly Strody, D.M. Scott and Mandy Matney.