FEATURE
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wasn't the case," Sanders, Kansas City senior, says. Sanders says that she and Novak had different ways of cleaning and doing dishes that caused problems they hadn't expected. "I am very anal about rinsing out the dishes right after I use them so when it's time to do dishes the food isn't all caked on and gross," Sanders says.
Novak would often forget to rinse her dishes out, leaving a mess for Sanders when she got home from school or work. "I didn't want to cause problems with our friendship so I would just keep my feelings about the dirtiness to myself," Sanders says.
Sanders continued to let her feelings build up until she snapped at her best friend one day over leaving the living room light on. "I wasn't even mad about the light, but I had let so much stuff build up that I couldn't keep it in anymore," Sanders says. "I said a lot of things I didn't mean and it really hurt our relationship for awhile."
After their lease was up, Sanders and Novak both agreed to live with other people. "We are still best friends today," Novak says. "We just didn't make great roommates."
Tracy Ochester, a psychologist at Ochester Psychological Services in Leawood, Kan., says
"It's often harder to communicate your feelings about something you're not happy with to a friend because you are afraid to hurt their feelings," Ochester says.
TALK IT OUT
Sanders and Novak's situation is common for college students. She says you need to take a practical look at your friends when deciding whether or not to live together.
Once you have made your lists and decided that you and your roommate are a good fit, you need to talk about how everything is going to be done in your new home. If you don't, you're sure to have conflicts.
Nichols, the Lawrence psychologist, says it's good to sit down with your future roommate before moving in and talk about your expectations and guidelines or rules for the house. Money issues need to be sorted out up front, says Nichols. She says that money can cause a lot of stress for students if each party isn't clear about the expectations.
Ask: How do you plan on paying rent and bills? Are you going to have a steady income coming in? Who is going to be in charge of the bills? When will rent and bill money be due? Are we going to split groceries equally? How
much money do we expect to spend each week on groceries? Are we going to split household items as well, like cleaning supplies and detergent?
Next on the list: household duties. You need to decide who will clean what and how often. "If someone has a job that they hate doing, maybe you can compromise and switch jobs with them," Nichols says. "Then if you have a job that you aren't great at or hate doing they can take over that responsibility."
In addition to the big issues, Ochester says it's important to discuss every little detail you can think of because those can often turn into big deals later. She says some of the things may seem odd to talk about, but chances are you will encounter the situation once you move in.
Ask: Are we going to share shower supplies or each buy our own? Are we going to share toilet paper? Are we going to put our towels together in the bathroom? How often can my friends come over? How often can my boyfriend stay over?
While it's good to be picky, Ochester says it's important to remain flexible and open to new ideas because you may be living with people who are different from you and have different backgrounds or ideas about how things should be done.
Before Shannon Mills and Nicole Harris moved in together in August, they talked about everything they could think of. "Talking about everything before moving in together has worked out great for us and helped us avoid a lot of conflict," Mills, Wichita junior, says. Mills says that many of their other friends ended up in bad roommate situations because they didn't communicate well before they moved in together.
DING, DING, DING. ROUND ONE
Living with a roommate is a challenging experience and one that teaches you a lot about responsibility. It's important to learn to effectively handle roommate conflicts.
The best way to solve a problem is to communicate often and assertively, which is saying something in a direct but nice way, says Ochester, the Kansas City psychologist. "You may think you are being nice to your roommate by not saying anything, but all you are doing is letting your resentment build up inside of you."
Ochestor says that people often take their anger out on something unrelated to the issue, like slamming cabinet doors in the kitchen or
giving dirty looks to their roommate, rather than confronting the real issue. "If your roommate doesn't know why you are mad, then the issue will never get resolved."
Instead, Ochester says you need to start by finding a way to express your feelings to your roommate in behavioral terms, instead of making accusations about him or her.
You should tell him or her exactly how you feel using "I" statements. "Using 'I' statements is helpful because it doesn't make people shut down and put up a wall," Ochester says. Name calling is always arguable, which won't help solve your problems.
Avoid the words "never" and "always" (i.e. "You ALWAYS leave dirty dishes in the sink!) because people rarely always or never do anything, and that will shift the argument away from the actual issue to whether your roommate always or never does something.
After letting your roommate know how you feel about the situation, you need to offer a solution that will suit you both. "Maybe they just are not the type of person who does their dishes right after they use them, so you can compromise by saying they need to be done before they go to bed instead," Ochester says.
If you go through these steps and you still cannot resolve the issue, Ochester says it's time to put a consequence in place that fits the situation. Using the dishes example, Ochester recommends telling your roommate that you aren't going to wash his or her dishes anymore and that you would appreciate it if she didn't use your dishes since they aren't being cleaned. If a week goes by and the dishes aren't done, tell your roommate that you are going to put them in his or her room because you don't think you deserve to live with a filthy kitchen.
If the extreme solution doesn't work, it may be time to consider new living arrangements. Ochester says that it might be easier to salvage the relationship once you are not living together.
"If there is one thing I think people need to remember about having a roommate, it is that being nice is not the same thing as being genuine and real," Ochester says. Expressing your true feelings and being open to communication and change will help your living experience be a good one.
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ASSOCIATED PRESS
travel to Washington,
D.C., to honor Robinson's
mother. See Kansan.com
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the funeral.
Sophomore forward Thomas Robinson and his seven-year-old sister Jayla arrive at funeral services for their mother, Lisa Robinson, Thursday at Antioch Baptist Church in Washington, D.C.
scholarships are one of our
Thomas and Jayla gain support of thousands throughout Jayhawk nation
BY ANDY MARSO editor@kansan.com
Jayla's hair was done up in meticulous braids with blue beads at the tips. She clung to her brother's waist and scrunched down against the fur lining of her parka's collar.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Thomas Robinson got out of a black limousine and immediately went to comfort his seven-year-old sister Jayla, who was waiting outside Antioch Baptist Church Thursday morning.
It was the third funeral in less than a month for Robinson, a sophomore forward on the University of Kansas men's
basketball team. Robinson's grandmother died in late December and his grandfather died less than three weeks later. Then, last Friday, the most shocking blow — his mother, Lisa Robinson, died from an apparent heart attack at age 43.
By the end of the day Robinson's pain would bring together the people from this neighborhood on the east side of Washington, D.C., and the entire Kansas men's basketball team. Together, in a modest red-brick church, they remembered Lisa Robinson and sought to comfort Thomas, Jayla and their brother Jamah.
Robinson's family and friends arrived throughout the morning, driving through half-plowed
Javorn Farrell played with Robinson at Riverdale Baptist High School in Maryland. Now a sophomore guard at the University of Massachusetts, he had a game Wednesday at St. Bonaventure University, but caught the first flight out of Buffalo, N. Y., Thursday morning to attend the funeral.
Just before noon, Robinson's current basketball brothers
"When I got the news, I was heartbroken," Farrell said. "Thomas is like a brother to me."
streets after a storm dumped several inches of snow on the District the night before.
SEE ROBINSON ON PAGE 5A
ASSOCIATED PRESS
Members of the basketball team stop to console teammate Thomas Robinson, left seated, during funeral services for his mother, Lisa Robinson, Thursday at Antioch Baptist Church in Washington, D.C.
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INDEX
TODAY
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Mostly Sunny
SATURDAY
43 22
Partly Cloudy
SATURDAY 37 18
Partly Cloudy
All contents, unless stated otherwise, © 2011 The University Daily Kansan
No.23 jersey to be retired during game tomorrow
SIMIEN | 12A
Watch Saturday's halftime as Wayne Simien's jersey is ceremoniously raised.
Winter can be a dark time — for the skies and the mind. Read about how to lighten up and defeat Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Former Associate Athletics Director Blubaugh admits to involvement in the athletics ticket scandal and now faces prison time.
Ticket defendant pleads guilty
Learn how to beat those blues
DEPRESSION | 9A
1
违
SCANDAL | 9A
SEE SPEECH ON PAGE 5A
CELEBRATION
History brought alive for Kansas Day
BY ANGELIQUE MCNAUGHTON amcnaughton@kansan.com
At the height of those battles and in the midst of the uncertainty that faced the nation, President James Buchanan signed the bill admitting Kansas, a free state, as the 34th state in the Union.
The year was 1861 and a tumultuous year it was.
After nearly a decade of fighting and debates regarding slavery, Kansas had become known as "Bleeding Kansas."
Kansas Day on Jan. 29 will mark the sesquicentennial, Kansas' 150th birthday, as well as the 134th observed celebration of Kansas' statehood. Events and activities statewide will help commemorate the day.
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"Kansas Day is a good opportunity to raise awareness of our state and make people proud to be a Kansas," said Mary Madden, the director of education and outreach for the Kansas State Historical Society and lecturer in the Museum Studies program at the University of Kansas.
Madden, who is originally from Cleveland but came to Kansas to
SEE TRIBUTE ON PAGE 9A
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