CONTACT
❤
BEING FRIENDS
// KATY SAUNDERS
WITH YOUR EX
Break-up sex doesn't have to be the last time you see your ex
Awkward silence Things between you and your ex may be uncomfortable at first, but in order to be friends it's important that both parties make an effort. Taking some time apart to accept the decision is usually a good way to start being civil towards one another.
Photo illustration by Jerry Wang
After dating for 10 months, Nakai Marr, Lawrence freshman, decided to break up with her boyfriend. She was about to graduate high school and says she thought the two of them were in different phases of their lives. After the split, she avoided hallways and other key hangout areas because she knew seeing him would only make things harder. Although she knew her ex was hurting, Nakai still wanted to try to be friends.
For some people, being friends with an ex is out of the question. For others, an ex can become a friend, a fling, or eventually just a forgotten lover. Whether you're a skeptic on the subject like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally or an optimist like Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City, consider the possibility of being friends after a split. If the breakup was messy and not mutual, then a path to friendship is unlikely. But, if both parties are willing to have a non-sexual, non-romantic relationship, it is possible.
First, you must both accept why the breakup occurred says author and radio host, Debbie Mandel. Since it is an emotional split between two people, some measure of pain will be experienced on both sides of the romantic equation, but the key is to understand why the separation occurred. Accepting that something is not going to work, and then finding a way to live with it is more than half the battle Mandel says.
Another key component is to allow time and space apart immediately following the split. Time allows for a chance to reflect on the relationship, accept that it's over and figure out what steps to take next. The best thing to do is to make it known that you're sincere in your efforts to become friends.
It took Betsy Wilson, Shawnee senior, almost a year before her and her ex could reconnect on a friends level. "I don't believe people can be friends immediately after a breakup," Wilson says. "But, over time you accept things and heal and when your feelings go away it can lead to being friends."
Becoming friends again after sharing so many intimacies can sometimes feel complex. But it is crucial that you establish what kind of friendship you're going to have with complete honesty, which is why it is important to set boundaries. After sharing so many things with someone, you get comfortable with them. Most of the time it is that friend you miss the most. Turning your former lover into a friend with benefits will only decrease your chance of keeping them in your life, especially as a friend.
J. J. Smith, dating expert and author of *Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating*, says friends with benefits should also be avoided if you want to give
yourself the best chance of attracting new love into your life. "Most people looking to establish a meaningful relationship with someone are not going to want to deal with exes still sleeping with their former lover." Smith says.
After a breakup we tend to want to continue knowing the person who is leaving. We don't want the happier times to end and we certainly do not want to stop seeing the person. That's what makes breakups so damn hard and complicated. Once you can accept that the relationship was not a mistake, you can then validate yourself, your ex and the experience and move on.
If you find yourself wondering where the love goes after a breakup, Marr says time finds a place for it. "Being in love with someone stays in the past," says Marr. "But loving someone stays with you forever." *Jp*
Jealousy can definitely be a sign you are not ready to be friends with an ex. A good sign you're too jealous is when you ask your ex to censor discussion of new dates or significant others in your presence.
FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE NOT READY TO BE FRIENDS WITH AN EX
2. You try to make him or her jealous
1. When you find out your ex is dating someone else, you want to scratch his or her new lover's eyes out.
It should truly be about a friendship and not constantly reminding him or her what he or she is missing.
3. You're still at home bawling your eyes out.
If the Kleenex and chocolate wrappers are still littering your bed, give the breakup more time.
Time and space apart will really allow you to gain perspective on the situation.
Making that physical connection just prolongs the recovery period and gives some people false hope of repairing the relationship. It's just a better idea not to get physically involved after a breakup... no matter how hot your ex is.
5. You're starting a new relationship. (And you want it to succeed.)
When setting out in a new relationship, it's typically a good idea to let exes be exes. You may know in your heart that the former relationship is well over, but your new flame may not be so sure.
Based on 'Six rules for being friends with an ex' by Ami Angelowicz
4. You're still tempted physically by your ex.
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