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kansas in heat (print edition) // FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD
Relationship researcher Mike Anderson tackles the sticky world of relationship advice, one weekly Jayplay column at a time
Mike Anderson, Dellwood. Minn., graduate student, is the host of Kansas in Heat, a talk show about sex and relationships that airs Thursdays at 7 p.m. on KJHK. $9.01/m and at kjhk.org.
*THE OPINIONS OF THIS COLUMNIST DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF JAYPLAY, KANSAS IN HEAT IS NOT TO BE CONSIDERED AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP.
In the aftermath of Valentine's Day, I hope you found what you were looking for. I hope you used the holiday as an opportunity to finally ask out that hottie you've been wondering about. I hope you worked up the courage to initiate that conversation. I understand it is not easy and is potentially nerve-wracking. For the past 20 years, academic research has proven how emotionally complex initiating dates, flirting and meeting people can be. Both sexes experience anxiety when initiating dates. Those who have experienced failure or fear in the past have an especially tough time communicating interest and attraction.
I want this week's article to help control some of that anxiety you feel approaching a potential romantic interest. The first thing you can do is get in the habit of initiating more conversations with people in general. Get into the habit of talking to strangers and getting comfortable with striking up conversations. It will help greatly.
Secondly, don't worry about people judging you. They're too busy worrying about what you think of them. In 1996, Vorauer and Ratner coined the term "pluralistic ignorance" to help individuals with their approaching anxiety. They found that people claim their own inaction is
Neither party makes a move because they each think the other is uninterested in them. If you see someone flirting with you or giving you an indicator of interest, talk and flirt with them. Instead of seeking someone's approval, give them yours.
because of a fear of rejection.
The more you hesitate about approaching someone, the less attractive you become. Too many people worry about the opening line. It doesn't mean as much as the conversation itself and it doesn't mean nearly as much as the mindset you have when talking to people.
Don't talk to people that think your goal is to sleep with them. Build trust and comfort with them. A horny individual will rarely build rapport with someone and will rarely get someone in their bed that night. A horny person will use some cheesy pick-up line that compliments something physical about the person. However, a smart, sexual person will wait until he or she is attracted to an individual before they give that person a compliment.
When you want to build attraction through flattery, don't compliment superficial appearance. Compliment something that you have noticed
while talking to them and it will mean so much more.
I'm sure a lot of you think that making the first move is different for men and women. Sure, I acknowledge that. Women are supposed to show a signal of interest and then the man is supposed to initiate the conversation. However, that formula never happens 100 percent of the time, and I don't think it should. I find it particularly fun when the roles are switched. Again, attraction is built not from the initiation, but from the conversation and rapport that ensues.
Get in the practice of socializing and conversing. It will make you more attractive and help suppress most of your fears about approaching a male or female.The world's greatest pick-up artists also happen to be the world's greatest conversationists.
// MIKE ANDERSON
Do you have a question for Kansas in Heat? E-mail it to kansasinheat@yahoo.com.
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