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kansas in heat (print edition) // GET SOME SATISFACTION
Relationship researcher of relationship advice.
Relationship researcher Mike Anderson tackles the sticky world
of relationship advice, one weekly Jayplay column at a time
Mike Anderson, Dellwood, Minn., graduate student, is the host of Kansas in Heat, a talk show about sex and relationship thatairs Thursdays at 7 p.m. on KJHK, 90.71m and at jkhk.org.
*THE OPINIONS OF THIS COLUMNIST DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF JAYPLAY KANSAS IN HEAT IS NOT TO BE CONSIDERED AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP
Sexual satisfaction isn't the only aspect of a healthy relationship, but research shows it is a big part of the puzzle.
Indeed, an increase in sexual satisfaction is accompanied by an increase in love and commitment, as shown in research by Sue Sprecher. In my opinion, a couple's sexual satisfaction is a good barometer for the overall strength of the relationship.
But the tricky part, of course, is exactly how to go about increasing sexual satisfaction within a relationship.
The frequency of sex is important to a sexual relationship, but it is the quality of sex that can predict a relationship's outcome. There's also a connection between achieving orgasm during sex and achieving higher relational and overall sexual satisfaction.
To increase the overall likelihood of orgasm and satisfaction, I highly recommend taking the time to get to know yourself and your partner's wants and desires as well as likes and dislikes. Research by Cupach and Comstock discovered the quality of communication about sex promotes positive sexual encounters.
preferences is one of the most important things you can do to facilitate a healthy sex life and improve the quality of your sex. This communication allows you to negotiate an enjoyable sexual script and know what turns your partner on.
Communicating about your sexual desires and
Open communication about your sex life will also help you broach important topics such as sexual fantasies and your desires to experiment.
A 2004 study by Sprecher and Cate found that couples with sexual variety and experimentation were more sexually satisfied than couples with little to no variety or experimentation. Getting stuck in a routine can be a major hurt to your sexual fulfillment.
But "experimentation" can mean what you want it to: I'm not saying that you have to experiment with S&M tomorrow. Experimentation can come from trying new positions, incorporating sex toys or even role playing.
Couples who feel comfortable and open enough to talk about their sexual desires and fantasies are those who will end up having the best sex lives.
But what really feeds into our sexual satisfaction is the ratio between sexual rewards and sexual costs in a relationship. That ratio, along with an overall satisfied relationship, accounts for 75
percent of the variance in sexual satisfaction.
In our relationships we need to discover ways to increase the sexual rewards. Again, I think these rewards come from knowing our partner's preferences. If we treat sex as a medium of expression for our love, then our sexual behavior becomes strongly connected to our romantic love. For the majority of individuals, sexual satisfaction is strongly associated with relational satisfaction. A lot of our sexual satisfaction comes from positive communication.
You may be amazed to discover what fantasies and desires you share with your partner. But whatever you find, I'm confident you'll be glad you asked.
// MIKE ANDERSON
Do you have a question for Kansas in Heat?
Send it in to kansasinbeat@yaboo.com and it may be answered in a future column.