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kansas in heat (print edition) // HOW TO OVERCOME CONFLICT
Relationship researcher Mike Anderson tackles the sticky world of relationship advice, one weekly Jayplay column at a time
Mike Anderson, Dellwood, Minn., graduate student, is the host of Kansas in Heat, a talk show about sex and relationships that airs Thursdays at 7 p.m. on KJHK, 90.7fm and at jkh.org.
*THE OPINIONS OF THIS COLUMNIST DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF JAYPLAY, KANSAS IN HEAT IS NOT TO BE CONSIDERED AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP.
Couples have conflict. People fight. There is no way around it. Studies have shown that it is not necessarily the amount of conflict that has the most direct affect on relational satisfaction, but it is actually the conflict management styles that people adopt that have the most impact. How we handle and manage conflict in a relationship is vital to the health of the relationship. If you want to tell if a relationship is going to make it you should look at how the couple handles fights and disagreements.
Though the quantity of disagreements could have an effect on the relationship, it is the quality — or lack thereof — of the couple's conflict resolution that will end up driving two people apart. In their book *Pairing*, George Bach and Ronald Deutsch discuss a list of rules for specific conflict situations. Below are a select few of those rules (most of which I have slightly adapted).
1. Be specific when you introduce a gripe. Using vague language will cause misunderstanding and miscommunication that will only make things worse.
2. Ask for and give feedback of the major points to make sure you are heard and to assure your
partner that you understand what is wanted.
3. Confine yourself to one issue at a time.
Otherwise, without professional guidance, you may skip back and forth, evading the hard ones.
4. Always consider compromise. Remember, your partner's view of reality may be just as real as yours, even though you may differ. There are not many totally objective realities.
5. Never assume that you know what your partner is thinking until you have checked out the assumption in plain language. Also do not assume or predict how your partner will react or what he or she will accept or reject.
6. Do not correct a partner's statement of feelings. Trying to fix someone's problems is not always the best course of action; showing support and listening will always be welcomed and appreciated.
7. Never put labels on a partner such as coward, neurotic or child. Name-calling will only make things worse. Don't make sweeping judgments about feelings, especially about whether or not they are real or important.
8. Try to avoid the sarcasm when you fight.
It helps no one and will make one member very frustrated.
9. Forget the past and stay with the present. What either of you did last year or last month or that morning is not as important as what you are doing and feeling now. And the changes you ask cannot possibly be retroactive. Hurts, grievances and irritations should be brought up at the earliest moment, or the partner has the right to suspect that they may have been saved carefully as weapons.
10. Do not overload your partner with grievances. To do so makes the other feel hopeless and suggests that you have either been hoarding complaints or have not thought through what really troubles you. Bottling issues up will most of the time end badly.
11. Take plenty of time to think before you speak. Your initial reactions and emotions might hurt both of you. As Bach and Deutsch say, "Don't be afraid to close your eyes and think."
12. Remember that there is never a single winner in an honest intimate fight. Both either win more intimacy in the relationship, or lose it.
// MIKE ANDERSON
Do you have a question for Kansas in Heat2?
Send it in to kansasheat@yahoo.com.
how we met // BRIAN GIEBINK AND ERIN ANDERSON
all great relationships had to start somewhere.
When the Wesley KU minivan picked him up, Brian Giebink was in no mood to talk, let alone flirt with anyone. He just wanted to sleep.
"The rest of the ride was a struggle as far as I was concerned," Giebink says. He struggled to stay in the seat nearest Anderson as the occupants of the bus did a kind of musical chairs, apparently unaware of Giebink's attraction to her.
Giebink, Rolla, Mo., senior, had just returned the afternoon before following a 25-hour car ride home from watching Kansas' victory in the Orange Bowl in Florida. He'd seriously considered canceling his plans to travel on the ministry's mission trip to New Orleans to rebuild houses, dreading 12 additional hours on the road. Ultimately, he decided to make the trip along with six other members of the United Methodist ministry. When the group stopped for lunch, Giebink sat across from Erin Anderson, Overland Park senior, and his exhaustion was soon replaced with a stomach full of butterflies.
When the group finally reached New Orleans, Giebink was plotting how to charm Anderson, who was beginning to feel guilty. She'd been dating another guy for a few weeks and by the second day of the trip she really liked Giebink.
"I wasn't really excited about that relationship and had already considered ending it with him." Anderson says. "And then I met Brian,"
The students spent the next week painting
the houses of Hurricane Katrina victims and were together constantly. Giebink and Anderson quickly formed a bond.
Soon after returning home, Anderson broke up with the guy she'd been dating and Giebink, who never knew she had a boyfriend, asked her to dinner the very next day. She was thrilled to learn Giebink liked her too, but Anderson told him she needed a few weeks to herself before she entered a relationship she felt could be significant. A few weeks later, Giebink asked Anderson out again and this time she said yes.
Their relationship's biggest challenge so far has been distance. Anderson studied in Paris the summer after she met Gibbink. He then spent last semester in Paris and the couple communicated through e-mail and Skype.
As graduation approaches in May, Anderson has been applying to PhD programs and Giebink is looking for a job. They hope to avoid being long-distance again but they're optimistic about their future together, regardless of the circumstances.
"If we can maintain a relationship for more than four months from opposite sides of the world, then nothing will pull us apart." Giebink says.
// LINDSAY CLEEK
Contributed photo
On a mission, Brian Gibbok, Rollà, Ma., senior, met his girlfriend of three years, Erin Anderson, Overland Park, senior, during a church organization trip to New Orleans to help rebuild houses following Hurricane Katrina.
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