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Facebook + family = DISASTER?
// LINDSAY CLEEK
You have a friend request.
Mom — 1 mutual friend
When Lisa Son, Wichita senior, logged onto her Facebook account last October, she never expected what was to come. On the familiar blue and white screen she noticed a new friend request. When she clicked on the link she was shocked to see who wanted to be her newest Facebook friend — her dad.
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Lisa's father, Thomas, joins a growing number of adults older than 50 who have signed up for Facebook. According to a March 2009 U.S. Census Bureau and www.bookofodds.com survey, the odds a person 55 or older has a Facebook or Myspace account are 1 in 4.17. Many members of this new generation of Facebook users have teenage or college-aged children like Lisa and her sister Lily, who is also a KU senior. This presents a unique challenge for parents, who must balance a Facebook "friendship" and a real life relationship with their children.
Hi sweetie! Can't wait to be your facebook friend LOL. :) I just wanted to make sure that you're eating all of your veggies, and remember to do your laundry!!! Hope you're having a great week. I'll call later this week to talk. Love you, pookie!
Susan Smith Kuczmarski, author of The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent's Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go, says although a close relationship between parent and child is important, clear boundaries should be set on the relationship. "The bottom line is that parents should never try to be their teen's best friend." Kuczmarski says.
Vickie Hull, Lawrence marriage and family therapist, agrees with Kuczmarski, saying that parents need to make it clear to their children that "friend" is a Facebook term and they are still their parents and not their friends.
Hull recommends that before signing up for Facebook, parents have a discussion with their children to set guidelines about how they will use the account. Hull says this kind of open communication can help to avoid Facebook-related conflict. "Make some rules, like no embarrassing toddler photos or airing the family's business for all the world to see." Hull says.
If the thought of being Facebook friends with your parents is enough to send you into a cold sweat, you're not alone. Lisa and Lily both admit that when they received their dad's friend request they were immediately struck with a sense of panic. Lily deleted or untagged herself in any pictures she feared her conservative parents would disapprove of. "I'm pretty sure most parents wouldn't want to see their kids out partying and drinking when the whole purpose of college is to go to school," she says.
Parental control It is important to set boundaries when it comes to posting family pictures or potentially embarrassing wall posts. Vickie Hall, Lawrence Marriage and family therapy, says parents need to understand that being Facebook friends don't mean they can become their son or daughter's best bud.
Wes Crenshaw, licensed psychologist at the Family Therapy Institute Midwest, thinks more young people should take Lisa's advice. He says that people are kidding themselves if they think that anything they post on Facebook is actually
Photo illustration by Jerry Wang and Laura Fisk
Now the sisters have changed the privacy settings on their profiles so they control what their dad can see. Although startling at first, their dad's presence on Facebook may end up benefiting the sisters in the long run. Lisa says it made her learn to not be so open on her profile.
private. According to Crenshaw, Facebook users often don't realize that things they post on Facebook may come back to haunt them someday. "Employers have a stack of resumes a mile high now and Facebook is a neat tool to skim off the applicants by the ton." Crenshaw says, "If there are a lot of things on Facebook that you wouldn't want your mom to see, then it's likely an employer is going to be unimpressed too."
Your Facebook life doesn't have to be over if you receive a friend request from mom or dad. If you utilize the advanced privacy settings, there's no reason why you can't continue your Facebook life as usual. Lily says by changing some of your settings, you can be friends with your parents but still be yourself. You may even learn to like being Facebook friends with them. Lisa says her parents and relatives use Facebook to share pictures with each other, and she admits she enjoys posting things on her dad's wall. Besides, you can always untag those naked baby pictures your Aunt Sally thought were too adorable for words.
OH, CRAP.MYPARENTS JOINED FACEBOOK.
Jeanne Leitenberg and Erika Brooks Adickman created www.myparentsjoinedfacebook.com in February 2009 after Leitenberg's father created a Facebook account.
"It was especially weird when my dad changed his relationship status to 'married.' It was like, 'Well, I guess even though you and mom have been married for 26 years it's not really official until it's on Facebook," Leitenberg says.
The site was created so that people like Leitenberg could have a place to "cope" with all the embarrassing things their relatives do on Facebook. After receiving thousands of submissions in the past year, the girls never cease to be entertained.
JEANNE: "I'm a big fan of the submissions where parents overshare. One of our very early posts included a mother putting as her status update that she was 'hot and flushy'. I'm sure when Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook he never thought people would be discussing menopause on there."
ERIKA: "My personal favorites are the ones that point out a generation gap. A mom will be upset by something her son posts only to find out that it's a movie or TV quote."
Readers are invited to submit their relatives' embarrassing wall posts, status updates and everything in between to myparentsjoinedfacebook@gmail.com.
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