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kansas in heat (print edition) // GIFT GIVING
Relationship researcher Mike Anderson tackles the sticky world of relationship advice, one weekly Jayplay column at a time
Mike Anderson, Dellwood. Miln., graduate student, is the host of Kansas in Heat, a talk show about sex and relationships that airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on KIJK. 90.71m and at kijk.org.
*THE OPINIONS OF THIS COLUMNIST DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF JAYPLAY KANSAS IN HEAT IS NOT TO BE CONSIDERED AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP.
Q: I've been seeing my girlfriend since the beginning of the school year and it's going really well. The holiday season is coming up and I'm a little unsure about what to get her. Is there a gift that is more appropriate considering we've been going out for a while now? Are there rules to the perfect gift?
A: I don't believe there are too many rules to gift giving. I think of it as more of an art than a science. I do think that the most important factor in gift giving is audience analysis — that is, really thinking about your girlfriend and what she would truly enjoy.
It sounds like you will be nearing the very important six-month mark around the holiday season. The six-month mark is a major turning point in romantic relationships. This is the point when many couples decide if they are really going to start to get serious about their relationship. In this case, I think you need to get a gift that really increases intimacy in the relationship, and nothing increases intimacy more than contact (time spent together), and assurances (signs of commitment).
I think concert or event tickets fulfill these requirements perfectly. Getting your girlfriend tickets to see her favorite artist, or maybe opera or ballet tickets — especially if she has never been before — can be a great gift. If you get two tickets that means you are getting a gift that both of you can enjoy and use to make new and great memories. It also shows a level of commitment. Most of these concerts or events are going to be taking place in the future, sometimes even months later. This shows your partner you are starting to think about your relationship down the road, which is an important assurance around the six-month point. But once again, make sure it is a band or event that she would like. You could also go the vacation route and buy both of you a plane ticket to a vacation destination she would like. This again is a gift that increases contact and will lead to opportunities to make memories with your partner.
Also make sure it is a gift that a romantic partner would give. A membership in the fruit of the month club might be nice if you were a family member, but not a romantic partner. You should show romantic interest as much as you can with a holiday gift.
A lot of people like the idea of jewelry as a gift for the holiday season. While this does show commitment, it is really hit or miss for me.
Jewelry is a high-risk, high-reward gift — just like buying clothes, you better really know your girlfriend if you are going to get jewelry. Both of these gifts affect the physical appearance of your girlfriend, and people are very particular about how they look. If you are going to get jewelry I would recommend going the necklace route. Jewelry can really increase intimacy, and the gift of jewelry does say a lot about your intentions. But it does affect physical appearance, so you better know her taste in jewelry and whether she would like such a gift. I think jewelry is a better gift and means more when your partner is not expecting it. An unexpected gift at an unexpected time can mean so much more. Jewelry can be used well for that.
If you feel unsure about your gift then make sure you have a backup gift. This could be either tied to the first gift (a new piece of luggage with the vacation gift), or a different, more practical gift that your partner really needs.
Whatever you end up getting, have confidence in it. Don't say, "I don't know if you'll like it" when she is opening up the present or card. Have confidence in your gift, and make the presentation just as important as the gift and you'll be great.
Here's to happy orgasms ... and good gifts.
// MIKE ANDERSON
catch of the week // ADRIENNE BROWN our weekly peek at a fish in the KU sea.
Ideal date: One time, this guy took me out to a fancy restaurant and proceeded to play the piano in front of the entire restaurant for me. That was pretty "ideal." But honestly, it doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as it's with someone I really like.
Main hobbies: Anything active; peoplewatching; hanging out with my roommate.
Favorite quote: "You win some, you lose some." — Kelsey Cipolla
Favorite food: I love every type of fruit I don't discriminate.
Major turn off: Too many emotions! I had someone over once who just talked and talked about all of these unimportant things. I tuned it out then grabbed a season of Bones and put it in so I wouldn't have to listen to it and said I was going to bed. I actually watched three more episodes.
Dream job: My dream job would be a professional tennis player. But, realistically, I'm hoping to do research on the psychology of the obesity epidemic.
Notices first in potential partner: Body, then eyes. I'm instantly drawn to pretty eyes.
Major turn on: I'm all about a good body. If you don't have a good body,I'm not really interested. Yes, this is shallow,but I'm like a pool — shallow and deep.
Getaway! I either like to drive or mow the lawn, both for the same reason. It's nice to turn up the music and get lost in your own thoughts.
// HAILEY OSTERHAUS