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Opinion
NSAN
2009
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2009
United States First Amendment
United States First Amendment Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Good luck with finals
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I'm going to spend the first five minutes of my day laughing at all of the people who actually expected the weather forecast to be accurate
Most people wake up and pee, shower, make coffee. I wake up and check FFA.
There should be a myth that you won't graduate from KU if you read the FFA aloud.
So I'm thinking we should find a fire hose and make a giant skating rink
Interpol, you guys used to look hot, but then you got old and only
My little brother is posting in FFA at the same time I am. We're a family of procrastinators.
My boyfriend is cute when he makes his "o" face.
The only time I get more than two hours of sleep is when I black out. Game on.
--you could make come this holiday season. (Yes, The Kansan still believes in Santa, and in Jayhawks!) We all promise we've been extra good this semester.
How did Iowa State University get a snow day?
Does the idiot I just saw wearing shorts realize that getting frostbite is the exact opposite of cool?
--you could make come this holiday season. (Yes, The Kansan still believes in Santa, and in Jayhawks!) We all promise we've been extra good this semester.
--you could make come this holiday season. (Yes, The Kansan still believes in Santa, and in Jayhawks!) We all promise we've been extra good this semester.
Does anybody else ever get the feeling like they are being watched when they are on the computer at Anschutz?
My hat may look really stupid, but at least my head is warm.
--you could make come this holiday season. (Yes, The Kansan still believes in Santa, and in Jayhawks!) We all promise we've been extra good this semester.
I don't know if I want to break down and cry or start throwing heavy things at the people talking in the computer lab.
I'm going to make an executive decision on this right now: Marlboro Lights taste like soggy poop. Fact.
--you could make come this holiday season. (Yes, The Kansan still believes in Santa, and in Jayhawks!) We all promise we've been extra good this semester.
One time she punched me in the face. That was awesome.
--you could make come this holiday season. (Yes, The Kansan still believes in Santa, and in Jayhawks!) We all promise we've been extra good this semester.
I cannot even get a boyfriend. Life sucks.
--you could make come this holiday season. (Yes, The Kansan still believes in Santa, and in Jayhawks!) We all promise we've been extra good this semester.
I was going to go to Chipotle, and then I discovered my car was frozen like a news room.
--you could make come this holiday season. (Yes, The Kansan still believes in Santa, and in Jayhawks!) We all promise we've been extra good this semester.
Please tell me someone else saw the KU commercial in the low demon voice.
--you could make come this holiday season. (Yes, The Kansan still believes in Santa, and in Jayhawks!) We all promise we've been extra good this semester.
Did you get the clap again?
--you could make come this holiday season. (Yes, The Kansan still believes in Santa, and in Jayhawks!) We all promise we've been extra good this semester.
EDITORIAL BOARD
A Jayhawk's Christmas List
Here in Lawrence we all have a few simple requests we're hoping
Dear Santa,
This might look like a repeat from last year, but we think it went so well it's time to do it again. It's an annual Christmas wish for the Jayhawks, but this team has as good a chance as any in a long time — including a certain bunch in 2008 that actually pulled the feat off. Returning their top nine leading scorers the Jayhawks were a
1. A NATIONAL BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP
near-unanimous No.1 selection preseason. Throw in one of Coach Bill Self's top recruiting
KANSAN'S
OPINION
classes at Kansas and the layhawks have a strong chance to certify themselves as the unofficial team of the decade
with another title this year. In fact, we might not even need Santa's help.
2. A WEEK OF WARM
WEATHER FOLLOWED
BY ASNOW DAY
Don't complain. This is
cansas. It's completely double.
At this point Santa's magic is the only thing that is going to make this happen on campus. Good luck dealing with our parking department.
3. MORE PARKING SPACES
EDITORIAL CARTOON
4. GRADUATION IN FOUR YEARS FOR EVERYONE (EVEN FIVE-YEAR MAJORS)
This is something that will make everyone happy. As much as we love it here, four years of tuition, classes and tests is enough.
5. A NEW FOOTBALL COACH
The last thing on our list is the thing we need the most. If nothing else we could really use a new coach. I don't know if you've heard since you're so far north, but we've had some problems with athletics this semester. Don't let the brawls and controversial investigations sway you. The Jayhawks still deserve a coach who doesn't poke around.
PAGE 7A
Sincerely, The Kansan
MARIAM SAIFAM
HUMOR
Re: Arrest Santa Claus
T: Attorney General Eric Holder and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Dear Mr. Attorney General and Madam Secretary.
Well, all that hardly matters at this point. Those days of heady Christmas toy lust are over. I'm tired of the lies, the broken promises. What I want this year is to see a yuletide helping of "smack down" dropped on Santa's whole operation.
At a time when my peers and
I have decided to address my Christmas wishes to the long, law-enforcing arms of the executive branch this year, rather than that red-suited, white-bearded, jackbooted thug Santa. I've wasted too many stamps, years and dreams on that phony.
This is a difficult letter for me to write, understand. I've been a Santa apologist my entire life. I defended and believed in him for so many years.
I hope you guys can get things done. Santa hardly ever gave me what I asked for. I know he had a lot of requests to keep track of, but how do you mix up an order for a modified person-size version of the game Mousetrap with a four-gallon tin of popcorn? Not even the same genre. I'm starting to wonder if he even read my letters.
400 WORDSTO
FREEDOM
I were old enough to understand the words "fantasist" and "delusional," I was mocked and made fun of. When I told a friend once that I thought it would be pretty cool to be an elf, he gave me an application to the North Pole. The application turned out to be a forgery, I later found out. College kids can be sadistic with their pranks.
BEN UNGLESBEE
To begin with, in a era of cooperative action against global warming, this fat cat has a toy factory placed right on top of a polar ice cap. Those peppermint smoke stacks are like two giant middle fingers mocking all efforts to reduce carbon emissions and protect the ozone.
Inside that factory, thousands of members of an ethnic minority toil all year round and are paid only toys, eggnog and cookies. Maybe you think that's a sweet deal — I did at a more innocent time in my life.
But today my eyes are open. I see Santa for what he is: the most defiant international criminal the globe has ever seen.
But put this in your pipes and smoke it: Elves are more than 70 percent more likely than any other population to develop adult-onset diabetes. And do you think Santa has them set up with a comprehensive HMO? Doubtful.
Furthermore, I find it a little unsettling that a foreign supranational entity is using illegal surveillance to blacklist millions of American children, and breaking into the homes of the "good" ones. This holiday season, why don't we give American children their Fourth Amendment rights back?
The list of crimes goes on: illegal aerial border crossing, trademark infringement, animal cruelty, operation of a sweat shop. The pattern of presidential tolerance of Santa's criminal antics has to end with this administration.
All I want for Christmas this year is to see Santa behind bars.
And if you could arrange it, I could also use a pardon or two for myself and some friends.
Happy holidays, Ben Unglesbee
Unglesbee is an Overland Park senior in economics and creative writing.
LOCAL
Lucky living in Lawrence
The leafless trees lining Massachusetts Street are now strung with Christmas lights, and the cold of the season is finally turning into the snow so many people waited for. Despite this bitterly cold yet beautiful time of year, most of what I hear from my fellow final-taking students is that they can't wait to get out of Lawrence for a while.
At what point do students living in Lawrence switch to the mindset that it would be nice to get out of Lawrence for a change?
I consider myself privileged to see Lawrence in a different light than a lifelong resident might see it. Our bar scene is incredibly diverse and there is a great variety of things to do for such a small town. Not to mention our parents aren't watching us walk into the house every night. My freshman year I was in heaven, but now that I am a couple of years older, I've moved to the other side of the spectrum. I can't wait to go home for a while.
I entirely understand the sentiment that it is nice to escape the everyday occurrences and drama that we all get sucked into. Everybody needs change, as well as a mental break from school, roommates and work. When I hear students excited to get out of Lawrence for a while, I search in myself for that time when I never wanted to leave Lawrence, or couldn't wait to come back.
Why is this? I point to the relationships we all develop during our college years. The strongest relationships between friends, significant others and even enemies are developed during these four to five years of drinking,
Most students after their first two years avoid The Hawk, unless they are members of a fraternity or sorority in or need of some attention. Different musical preferences may limit the nightlife options for people who might not want to go see a ska-punk band at the Replay Lounge.
No matter the personal preferences or the emotional connections we make at various locations around town, it's extremely important to remember how lucky we are to be students in such a great town. And although most students can't wait to be done with finals and go home for the holidays, I bet that a week into their stay at home, they'll want nothing more than to get back to Lawrence as quickly as possible.
Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends may avoid certain bars because of the memories they bring back or the emotions that might explode if they run into one another. There are also just personal preferences that define where different groups of people go to have a good time.
studying at coffee houses and long walks home. Inevitably we connect these relationships with the places we go.
Roesler is a Denver junior in journalism.
HUMOR
Ben Cohen and Lauren Bornstein discuss how their Jewish faith plays into this Christian holiday.
War on Christmas
BC: Well, I've got news for you:
The War on Christmas is real.
LB: As real as the faux Ugg boots
half the women on campus wear.
BC: We've been waging it for
years. Know why you hear
people say "Happy holidays"
instead of "Merry Christmas"
sometimes?
LB: Crazy liberalis, right?
Political correctness? But really,
why?
Ben Cohen: Every year, astute neoconservative talking heads warn the general public about a secular "War on Christmas."
Lauren Bornstein: A War on Christmas? Sounds like something those crazy, minority-loving liberals would ignite.
BC: Nothing to do with the fact that Hanukkah, New Year's Day and sometimes Ramadan are all around the same time. It's because we're trying to stop you from celebrating Christmas.
LB: Yeah, we're sick of all the Hallmark Christmas commercials starting at the end of October. So, we've decided enough is enough. A war must be declared. No longer shall we bear with another month-long run of every Christmas movie.
BC: All the awful music on the radio, and crappy specials on
TV? Those are a ruse to keep you complacent.
you complacent.
LB: So while you're sitting in your lazy chairs listening to Celine Dion's rendition of "The Christmas Song" for the umpteenth time, we'll be raiding your radio stations and TV networks, armed with latkes and dreidels. It's time to whip out our menorahs.
BC: Bill O'Reilly tried to warn you, but you didn't listen. Now we will further our plans, already started by saturating the mainstream with things that are associated with Christmas. In a few more years, we fully expect it to be officially renamed "X-Mas," just like on "Futurama." LB: People already think the Jews control the entertainment business. Now we're on our final stage of taking over your Christmas, and there's nothing you can do to stop us. BC: So whenever you drink a can of Coca-Cola with an obese, red-clad home invader on it, or dare to acknowledge that Christmas is not the only holiday in December, just remember, it's all our doing, it's completely malevolent, and you can't stop it.
BC and LB: Happy holidays!
— Cohen is a Topeka senior in political science.
— Bornstein is a Lawrence senior in women's studies and sociology.
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