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kansas in heat (print edition) // CONFLICT MANAGEMENT
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Relationship researcher Mike Anderson tackles the sticky world of relationship advice, one weekly Jayplay column at a time
Mike Anderson, Dellwood, Minn., graduate student, is the host of Kansas in Heat, a talk show about sex and relationships that airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on KJHK, 90.7fm and at kjhk.org.
THE OPINIONS OF THIS COLUMNIST DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF JAYPLAY KANSAS IN HEAT IS NOT TO BE CONSIDERED AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP
Q: Sometimes when my boyfriend and I get into arguments, he'll interrupt me and I don't know how to deal with it. I have no idea how to really approach the issue without sounding rude, but at the same time I feel like it is so rude for him to interrupt in the first place. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
A: What concerns me most with the scenario you speak of is the ratio of equality being shown in your romantic relationship.
One of the biggest predictors of whether a relationship is going to strive or break up is perceived equality — is there an equal amount of listening and self-disclosure in the relationship? Do both sides do an equal amount of chores and tasks in the relationship? Do both people get an equal amount of sexual rewards, or is it just that one person gives and the other person receives? If someone is a chronic interrupter and has problems with listening, that is a major red flag.
About 65 percent of the variance in the intimacy we get from a relationship comes from self-disclosure and listening activities. This means that while your partner doesn't have to self-
disclose when you do, you would at least like thent to listen to you and give you support. That is a major reason why we engage in romantic relationships — the physical and emotional wellbeing and warmth that we get from another when he or she gives us support and listens to us. If your boyfriend is always interrupting you, I would question how good of a listener he really is. And if he is always hogging the conversation and not allowing you to speak, then the ratio of equality when it comes to communication is going to be way off.
You also say that your boyfriend interrupts you during conflict. That is another red flag. Studies have shown that it is not necessarily the resolution of the conflict that you come to, but how you manage the conflict that really predicts relational outcomes. Couples who use sarcasm, fight dirty, have major emotional outbreaks and interrupt each other may not have the best conflict management strategies, and therefore conflict will more often hurt the relationship instead of help it grow.
In dealing with this problem, I recommend a direct approach. Confront your boyfriend (not
when you are actually in conflict) and let him know your complete and honest feelings about his interrupting. Try to use as many positive comments and remain as calm as you can. Frame the conversation in a productive manner; tell him you are trying to build a stronger relationship between the two of you, and having a difficult conversation such as this will help.
Conflict management and listening are two variables that have major effects on your intimacy and relational satisfaction. If you are not satisfied with either of those key variables, then you need to have an honest and productive talk. And how your boyfriend responds to that talk will tell you all you need to know about his intent to make the relationship work.
Here's to happy communicating.
If you have a question you'd like answered in the Kansas in Heat print edition, please e-mail it to kansasinheat@yahoo.com.
// MIKE ANDERSON
catch of the week // ANDREW LEICHT our weekly peek at a fish in the KU sea.
Ideal date: Flying to a city neither one of us has been to before, exploring the city together — historical markings and other random stuff.
Main hobbies: I enjoy reading all kinds of genres, but mainly non-fiction. Anything to do
with physics and cosmology. I like to learn things and acquire knowledge.
Getaway: I take trips. My roommates and I just went to Boulder for fall break.
Favorite quote: "No worries," as said by every Aussie I've ever met. It's a good way to live life.
Favorite food: Pasta, although I do like all kinds of food.
Major turn on: A girl who can carry a conversation. I don't care much for boring people or awkward silences.
Major turn off: Smoking because it's disgusting and not a good habit to have.
Dream job: Travel writer for Lonely Planet or Frommer's. Why not get paid to do what I love? I like meeting new people and exploring new places.
// MIA IVERSON
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