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Alone at the table. Asexuality, characterized as a lack of desire to have sex, is a little-known and commonly misunderstood sexual orientation
Asexuality is an often overlooked sexual orientation
In a sexually charged society, the conventional wisdom stands that sex is usually on our minds at some point in the day. But Devin Moss, 2009 graduate, hardly ever thinks about sex. He has no desire to have sex with anyone, and he has completely sworn off penetrative sex. The only time he thinks about sex is when he's trying to explain his sexuality. He says most people don't understand him, and they don't believe that he isn't straight, gay, bisexual or any other part of the LGBT community.
Moss identifies as a gay asexual, or, as he likes to call it, a same-gender-loving man. But no matter how hard Moss tries to explain his sexuality, he says the majority of people just don't get it. Asexuality is a mystery to many people today, but it is slowly starting to gain attention.
Dennis Detweiler, Lawrence social worker and sex therapist, says asexuality can be better understood by thinking of all sexuality as a spectrum. "At one far end of the spectrum is hypersexuality, or a stronger-than-average interest and desire for sex," he says. "Asexuality refers to a sexual phenomenon at the other end of the spectrum that is characterized by an absence of sexual interest, desire, feelings or sexual attractions."
Asexuality may be the sexual orientation some people identify with, but it still hasn't been added to the growing sexual orientation acronym. The term "LGBT" has recently expanded to sometimes include an "I" for "intersexed," and a "Q" for "queer" or "questioning" but there is no letter
for asexuals. Moss sometimes feels a bit left out of the community. "For me it's more or less just trying to get people to understand I don't have to do what they do," Moss says. "I feel like I've been excluded ... because people don't understand."
Saida Bonifield, Lawrence graduate student and LGBT Resource Center coordinator, says asexuals will probably never be included in the acronym. She says the acronym is based on sexuality, or attraction to other people. "Even transsexuality may not fit under the acronym because that's more about gender than sexuality. Asexuality would fall underneath the word 'queer.'"
Because "queer" is often seen as an all-encompassing label, Moss doesn't have a problem with fitting in this large category. But he would rather have people understand asexuality. When another orientation, such as "gay," precedes "asexuality," it is used to further explain the sexuality. A gay-asexual such as Moss is a male asexual person who is physically, but mostly emotionally, attracted to other men. People will often think asexuals don't have the ability to be attracted to any gender but Moss says this isn't true because he is attracted to men, he just does not have the desire to have sex with them.
"I am attracted to males but not women," Moss says. "The thing I like about guys is that there's a connection, an unspoken connection. Guys just get it. With females, you have to explain yourself a little bit more," he says. Moss' idea of a perfect relationship would include a loyal partner and children. "The relationship
would be about enjoying each other's company and helping each other raise a healthy family. It's about doing everything without the pressure in the bedroom."
When people don't believe that asexuals such as Moss are truly uninterested in the act of sex, they automatically assume that they are repressing their true sexuality, or that they experienced some sort of childhood trauma. It is also said that they have a psychological disorder. Similarly, homosexuality was listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual as a psychological disorder until it was removed in 1973. Although asexuality isn't listed, assuming that asexuals have been psychologically disrupted may be completely false.
Some people believe sexual orientation is socially constructed as people age. Moss does not believe this. Ever since he can remember, he's never felt a desire for sex. During high school he did have sex with boyfriends, but because it was undesirable for him, his hormones didn't go crazy like every other teenage boy. "It was fine, I just didn't get anything out of it," he says.
Some asexuals have come to find an online social network called asexuality.org. Moss says he didn't know what his orientation was until he visited this site. "I used to ask myself, 'Am I the only one?' But when I visited this site, everything just clicked," Moss says.
David Jay, the creator of asexuality.org, was a guest on multiple talk shows in 2006. On The View he was asked why he felt the need to organize and replied, "We need to organize because it's
not being talked about." Co-host Star Jones shot back, "But if you're not having sex, what's there to talk about?"
Moss and many other asexual people say there is plenty to talk about because they are still being ignored and misunderstood because of the ignorance of others. There are many questions that have been unanswered about asexuality, so educate yourself, and visit asexuality.org.
SEXUALITIES YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW EXISTED Monosexuality - A person attracted to just one sex or gender.
Pansexuality — A "gender-blind" sexuality. Pansexuals do not take gender or sex into consideration when deciding whom they are attracted to.
Polysexuality — Polysexuals do not favor just one sex and refuse to be called bisexual because it refers to only two sexes or genders. Polysexuals do not see sex and gender as an either/or classification.
Pomosexuality -Pomo, referring to postmodernism, combined with sexuality to describe someone who avoids being labeled with a sexual orientation.
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