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THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
March 14, 1997
A house divided
Visits home may be difficult for students and family members
By Regina Bruntmeyer Special to the Kansan
For many students, a visit home can mean more than free laundry and someone else cooking the meals. It also can mean conflict.
Caleb Asher, Mound City, Mo., junior, found that out during a recent visit home. His father was out looking for him while he was in his parents' backyard talking to a friend until the early morning, he said. His father was unset.
Asher, who is 21, said he was accustomed to the independence he had found while attending the University of Kansas. But, he said, his father still treated him as if he were a high school student.
Asher found that the key to adjusting to life at his parents' home, however, was communication. Instead of becoming angry, Asher said he sat down with his father and talked about the situation.
Acting like an adult may be the best way to ease into weekends, summers and holidays at home with your parents.
Jim Kreider, clinical social worker at Counseling and Psychological Services, said students needed to show their parents they had grown up if they expected to be treated like adults.
Kreider said many factors could contribute to stress at home.
"One of the key things is that, when families are together, they interact day in, day out and do not notice the gradual evolution," Kreider said. "When children go to college, they face tremendous changes. But parents do not get to observe this."
Because parents do not see the student handling relationships, finances and class schedules, they may continue to treat the student like a child.
Caleb's mother, Jill Asher, said that when Caleb left home, it was a big adjustment.
"You know everything will change for your whole family," Jill Asher said. "You are still a family, but it dissolves into new forms."
These differences cause tension in visits.
"Students are accustomed to being independent," Kreider said. "At home, they feel like they have to account to their parents and feel patronized. They often get angry or avoid their parents."
Caleb Asher said independence should not keep students from following parents' rules while at home because it was still their house.
But he said, "Rules need to change to adapt to your college status."
Parents and students must recognize that the relationship has progressed to a new level before they can grow.
"Parents must realize that children are no longer children when going off to college," Kreider said.
Not only is a visit home sometimes difficult for students, but it also can be a big adjustment for parents.
Knowing that most parents want their children to succeed should help students relax at home.
"If parents are concerned, don't confirm their worst fears by having a big fight," Kreider said.
Jill Asher said parents were relieved and a little sad to see children grow.
wouldn't want them coming back a failure."
"Of course you're happy that your child can be independent," jill Asher said. "You
Caleb Asher said he had faced an unpleasant situation when he first came to the University because his parents had called his home in Lawrence to talk to him and he was not there. They tried calling again later, but he still was not there. When he finally returned and heard the numerous messages on his machine, he was angry because he had been visiting his grandmother in Odessa, Mo. He resolved the situation by explaining to his parents that he was not going to call them every time he left town.
Students should assume that their parents do not know how they've changed, so they should share information, Kreider said. He said the information can help parents to relax.
"When it feels like meddling, recognize it as concern." Kreider said.
Carrie Heinen, Valley Falls junior, said her parents had let go because she supported herself at school. She said that although her parents really didn't have control anymore, her relationship with them was good.
"I tell them everything." Heinen said.
"They don't get mad.
"We talk about stuff we never used to, like taxes." Heinen said.
parents had changed, too.
Students with siblings might face added stress because of changing family dynamics. Besides taking over rooms or closets, younger siblings can innocently cause the student aggravation.
"I lived by myself at school," Caleb Asher said. "When I put something down, I knew it would still be there the next time I reached for it. At home, your privacy is gone."
Caleb Asher said he had two younger sisters who were always excited to see him and who followed him around constantly. But he said he was not used to being around children. His younger brother is older than his sisters, but Asher said they didn't always get along.
"I get real short, real fast," Caleb Asher said. "I know they are excited to see me, so I try harder with them."
His mom agreed that that was one area he had struggled with.
Caleb may come home to talk,but one
"When it feels like meddling, recognize it as concern."
Jim Kreider
clinical social worker at Counseling and Psychological Services
Conflict Avoidance
Tips to avoid conflicts with family members:
Assume that parents don't know how you've changed. Tell them what is happening in your life.
Remember that what you may think is meddling is often just concern
Remember that your family continues to function in your absence.
Siblings will be excited to see you. Be patient with them.
Students may be surprised to see that the family continues to function in their absence. Kreider said some may feel as if they've been left on the doorstep.
family member may come in to interrupt and then another one follows," Jill Asher said.
"When you go home, life has changed," Kreider said. "Parents don't plan their lives around you anymore.
"Know these adjustments are weird and scary."
Jill Asher said that sometimes Caleb's visits brought a different version of the same problem.
"When the first one returns home, the younger siblings may be put on the back burner," Jill Asher said. "Families are hard to deal with sometimes."
She said it was difficult to know what was going to happen at home.
But she said, "It's always great when they come home."
BUTTERY CHUNKS MUSIC REVIEW
Now that ska has about as much exposure as one of those Baywatch swimmers, it's uncool to admit you're still a fan of one of the ska-core bands responsible for bringing the scene to the masses. But with the Bos-
Mighty Mighty Bosstones: Let's.Face It (Mercurv)
The eight-
brand of pounding riff-rock with all the precision of a Gulf War smart bomb. The biggest difference is one of tone. This album is a little smoother than its choppy pre-
stones fifth catchy fifth album, Let's Face it, a tolerant listener is reminded why the band had such a solid following from the beginning.
The commercially accessible Let's Face It doesn't have the urgency of earlier Bostones recordings, but it retains the energy, reminding us why ska/punk has gotten so huge.
piece band's music has been watered down a bit since its pounding debut, 1989's Devil's Night Out. Yet the eight-piece band's familiar formula remains: positive, clever lyrics set to bouncy, horn-tweaked punk rock and vocal Dickey Barrett's distinctive Tom-Waits-on-amphetamines rasp.
Helmet; Aftertaste (Interscope)
Helmet's fourth album isn't going to surprise anyone. Page Hamilton and crew continue to deliver Helmet's particular
decessors, Strap It On and Meantime.
Which isn't to say that *Aftertaste* is a subdued dish. Far from it. Instead, Helmet is putting a little red meat on the bones of their grooves and finding the sweet spot. This album doesn't have the same reckless abandon as the band's earlier releases, but that doesn't mean it it's boring. Rather, Helmet has learned focus.
Outhouse: Welcome (Mercury)
Kansas City-based Outhouse isn't afraid to wear its influences on its sleeve. The trio works up a noisy sweat, never forgoing the melodies on Welcome, their entertaining, major-label debut.
The album's sound fluctuates between self-described "dirty, filthy rock music," and the tuneful Replacements-Goo Goo Dolls-type thing. The members of Outhouse have obvious songwriting talents, but the band sounds as though it is desperately in search of its own identity. Welcome is a good album from a band that may be a few years away from great.
Shaking Tree: Shaking Tree (Gecko House)
Four KU students — including former
members of Turquoise Sol and Id Explosion — make up this light-hearted local band. Shaking Tree's self-titled debut album picks up where those bands left off, continuing the mix of various styles throughout its 50 mellow minutes.
Take some recycled Midwestern roots rock, throw in a violin, add rhythms desperate to induce dancing, and you've got an underwhelming, low-key 14-song album. I'm sure they're destined for cult status
among the millions who were brainwashed by Blues Traveler. If this sounds like your thing, they're playing at the Jazzhaus
When a b a n d ' s album is titled Virus, one can be certain its
tomorrow.
Margin of
ERROR:
Vir u s
(Tree-
house)
musicians have more on their minds than getting listeners to shake their respective booties. Lawrence's Margin of Error seems to specialize in lyrics about twisting, tearing and tugging and disease.
But the music is, for the most part, surprisingly orthodox and unadventurous guitar rock. One second the band creates a wall of noise, the next it is achingly quiet. Virus is an album that's difficult to classify, but fans of Sonic Youth could find it interesting.
— By Drue Kennedy and Jeff Ruby