UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
Wednesday, February 5, 1997
10A
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Lauren and me
The decision to give up a child has to be remade after birth,after the abstract has become a person.
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this," he said.
"What?" I said.
"You're not planning on having it, are you?"
He was a single, beer-loving, fifth-year senior who was finally graduating. The last thing he wanted was a child. All I wanted was financial support. He agreed to that. But after a few months and a new girlfriend, he changed his mind.
So I brought up adoption.
He said that he couldn't give up his child. Ironic, I thought, because he wanted me to have an abortion.
That was our last conversation.
The decision to tell the birth father about a pregnancy is complicated, Hughes said. Two individuals with different backgrounds, experiences, resources, values and beliefs have to try to mesh all these things into deciding the future of the child. And every situation is different.
She said that mothers often looked to fathers as a natural ally or intimate partner. However, if the mother and the father can't agree, or when perceived intimacy disappears, the mother gets hurt.
"Amother must consider how telling a father will affect her," Hughes said. "Often, she finds freedom in being alone. It gives her the luxury to make her own choices."
March 16,1995
I took my mother for a drive.
I knew she couldn't kill me
while I was steering the car on
the turpike.
I could imagine her thoughts as I told her. Her only daughter — a scholar, an athlete, a good Catholic girl — pregnant with the baby of a stranger.
She didn't kill me. She just cried. A lot. But she loved me anyway.
My father was a different story.
Me, his little girl, pregnant by some rogue. I couldn't face him. I wrote him a letter in late March. He called when he got it, crying. He still loved me.
Watley said that the biggest fear pregnant college women faced was that their parents would find out.
the women often have feelings of guilt and are insecure about how their parents will react, she said. Mothers who plan to continue the pregnancy should tell their parents.
"Usually, they find that parents will become supportive." Waitie said. "Often they like to share and become involved. Sometimes, a parent's opinion makes the difference in the outcome."
Hughes said that an expectant mother's decision to tell may be motivated by many things.
The mother may seek support — financial, physical or emotional, she said. If the parents are domineering, she may want them to make decisions for her. Often, she simply thinks that they have a right to know about their grandchild.
"It can be a relief to tell them, either because a parent will step in or because he or she will offer support," Hughes said. "I think that it depends on the nature of the relationship between the parents and child."
March 23,1995
It was my stepmother who first suggested adoption during spring break. It seemed like a non-issue to me. I could raise my child. However, that is how she got her son, my stepbrother. For her, adoption was a gift that gave her a son to love and adore for her entire life.
But how could I give up my child's life to someone else?
Hughes, who counsels in adoptive situations, said that time and money were often the two biggest factors in deciding to seek an adoptive family.
If a woman waits too long, her choices become limited by law, she said. Abortion costs money.
Hughes said that in most adoptions, medical and living expenses were covered. Religious convictions, pre-life views and the mother's perception of her parental abilities also are major factors in making decisions about adoption.
Summer was uneventful. I got a well-paying job at Western Auto where I wore a huge red and black shirt.
July 14,1995
No one knew. I didn't show.
At this point, I didn't care if people knew. I had a child inside me moving and kicking. I amused myself by poking my stomach and waiting for it to poke back. Edward, my new boyfriend, would lay his head on my stomach and let Henry, named for a baby on ER, kick him. Life was full and fun.
But by July, I had talked to a lawyer and had chosen an adoptive couple — just in case.
The couple's names were Matt and Julie. They had no children. In pictures they looked so happy to be together, the way parents should be. They had jobs and made money. They were everything I saw in myself six or seven years down the road.
Matt and Julie said that they would agree to two years of contact with me through the lawyer's office. If I had questions or wanted pictures, I could request them, and they
I couldn't offer my baby what they could. All I could offer was my love. But babies can't live on love, and they can't wait six or seven years for everything else.
would send something to me through the lawyer. But only for two years. After that, nothing for 16 years.
I wondered if I could live with just two years of my baby's life.
There are two types of adoption that exist today. The first is closed, or traditional, where birth parents have no input, must accept complete confidentiality, must obey all rules of an agency or lawyer, and must accept little say in choosing adoptive parents.
In the last few years, this method has come under fire. Studies of birth parents who give up children in closed adoptions show many negative consequences. Often the parents suffer from low self-esteem, have bad marriages or become overprotective of subsequent children.
According to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, many adopted children in closed situations also may suffer negative consequences such as aggression, low self-esteem and a higher risk of learning disabilities.
However, not every researcher agrees.
Poor prenatal care may account for many of these problems. But some social workers posit the lack of a definite history or heritage prompts these traditionally-adopted children to rebel.
"Because open adoption offers birth parents the chance to see the child grow up happily, they know the child's needs are filled without their intervention," Hughes said.
"Most adoptees are stable children with a healthy, positive sense of self," said Tom McDonald, associate professor of social welfare. "Of course, that isn't to say that there aren't issues they must face."
In the second form of adoption, called open adoption, adoptive parents and birth parents often agree to some degree of knowledge about the other. This amount of knowledge can range from seeing pictures of one another to direct participation by the birth parents in the child's unbringing.
At the house meeting, I got some peculiar looks. They all thought I just got fat. Surprise.
I cried as I told my friends.
They cried, too. Many got nervous.
What would they do if I went into labor? Who would take me to the hospital?
August 19, 1995
I returned to my KU scholarship hall, from summer break. The housing department gave me permission to stay as long as I didn't keep the baby there.
The details were already arranged. Edward and I had met in a KU economics class when I was almost four months pregnant. He went to every doctor's visit, felt every kick and cried every tear with me. He grew to love me despite my pregnancy. He gave like he was Henry's father. He knew what to do, who to call and when to go.
At my final sonogram, we found out Henry was a girl. My doctor told us that he would induce labor on Friday. It was Tuesday. Suddenly, the entire week and the entire world slipped away.
September 26,1995
"Birth mothers make a final decision regarding adoption several times," Hughes said.
Legally, a birth mother can't sign relinquishment papers until 12 hours after birth. The restriction accounts for drugs, hormones and other emotional
And emotions do factor in. Often, mothers wray one way during pregnancy, while the child is still an abstract, Hughes said. The decision has to be remade after birth, after the abstract is a person.
changes brought on by childbirth.
September 29,1995
Friday, her birthday,
Edward and I woke up at 5:30
a.m. He drove me to Overland
Park, where my parents met
us. At 7 a.m., the chemicals
began to seep into my veins.
About 11 a.m., my face contorted into a sickening skew.
"Water broke," the nurse said.
Then it hurt. Bad.
Edward called to the nurse, panicked.
The man looked at me.
"No. No drugs. It will be over soon," she said.
Mothers lie. Childbirth does hurt. I do remember the pain.
But I just know it was worth it.
After only minutes of pushing, ice chips and wanting to die, I looked down. Edward and I just looked at each other. Nothing really mattered then.
The nurse looked at me.
"I think she needs drugs," he said.
I kept her Friday and Saturday, shared her with family and fought with Edward to hold her.
Edward cried hard when I held her. He said that we looked beautiful together. I wanted to keep her.
I held her the next morning,
stroked her nose. It had a ball
on the end — like mine.
I thought I could never do for her what Matt and Julie could. They could give her two parents, an extremely comfortable life and a lot of love. I would offer no father, no money and no guarantees.
I sat at a table in my hospital room. A social worker sat on the opposite side. Edward sat beside me, his hand in the crib, stroking Lauren's hair.
I picked up a pen and read the contract. I looked up at Edward and Lauren. At that moment, there existed no other beautiful sight than that of the two people I loved the most loving each other. There still doesn't.
I prayed that Lauren would understand, and I signed the papers.
She deserved life. I gave her that. But she also deserved a lot better than me.
I had given up my daughter. That remains the saddest moment of my life.
The time often comes when
an adopted child or birth parent longs to know how the other is, whom the other is. Organizations like the National Adoption Registry, Inc., in Kansas City, Mo., offer birth parents the chance to put their names and any other helpful information they want to give on a list.
The Registry files the date and city of the child's birth, which also are given by the birth parents. However, President James Michael said that a name was the most helpful piece of information in reuniting families. He spoke from experience.
"Over 20 years ago, a woman gave up my child," he said. "It was driving me nuts knowing that I had a child floating around out there that I couldn't see."
Michael said that most adoptees searched because they wondered, because they had never been able to look into the eyes of someone that was blood-related. Many other birth parents search out of guilt or curiosity, to find peace with their decision.
Edward and I met Matt and Julie before leaving the hospital. We laughed and cried, all for such different reasons. I kept crying — for a long time. Weeks definitely. Months probably. I expect years. It doesn't hurt so badly anymore because I know I did the right thing.
Birth parents should write down as much information about the situation while it is fresh, Michael said. Later, the information will be accessible for a search or can help a child understand why they were placed where they were.
September 29,1996
I stare at her picture. It is her first birthday. She is so lively and happy with rosy cheeks and my little round nose. Mine. I pray in 17 years I will see it in person.
It scares me more than anything to think Lauren might hate me. I dread the questions she might ask when we meet again.
My parents loved me. They offered support.
"Why didn't you keep me?"
Edward loved me. He acted like her father.
"Why didn't you keep me?" I loved her. I am making a good life for myself.
"Why didn't you keep me?"
"Why dain't you keep me?
Your grandparents love you.
Edward loves you. I love you.
That is why.
I loved her from the moment that I realized I could give her life. Then, I tried to give her the best life.