4A
Wednesday, November 13, 1996
OPINION
UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
VIEWPOINT
The Rules trivialize love set back gender roles
Some women are trying to change the rules of dating in the 1990s. The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, has topped The New York Times best-seller list for advice, how-to and miscellaneous books. Now women across the country are asking: If I play by The Rules, am I guaranteed a husband?
Ultimately, the answer depends on whom the woman believes: her own intuition or the advice of two novice authors whose only qualifications are wedding bands.
The Rules for women includes the following dating dos and don'ts:
Wear lipstick when you go jogging; don't talk to a man first, and don't ask him to dance; play hard to get, and make yourself into a "creature unlike any other," don't call him, and rarely return his calls; always end the date first; don't see him more than once or twice a week; above all, don't break The Rules — ever.
While these guidelines for ensnaring a husband may have worked in the 1950s, women have come a long way, baby.
Potential husbands — and wives — should not be viewed as objects to be lured into the "trap" of marriage. Marriage is a partnership, not a game of Parcheesi that declares one person the winner.
A successful marriage is based on constant communication. But The Rules tell women to remain mysterious and to let their husbands take control. Although it may not be wise for women to tell a virtual stranger their life stories on the first date, hiding truths or staying quiet on issues that affect both partners in a relationship is destructive, not productive.
If a woman wants to fall in love and get married, her best bet is to be herself, not to follow steadfast rules. A magic bullet theory for marriage doesn't exist. Instead, women should stay true to their own styles and personalities, in dating as well as other aspects of life. Women are not objects to be displayed by men, just as men are not end-all status symbols for single women.
Following The Rules — or any rules a woman simply adopts, rather than creates — sends gender roles back to square one.
ANN MARCHAND FOR THE EDITORIAL BOARD
Dating often a game to be won; book helps women with rules
Playing games is a part of dating. Some may claim they don't participate, others say they have perfected their strategy, but everyone plays games
Recover their strategy, but everyone plays games. Just as in games that children play, dating games have rules. While each standard may not apply to every dating quandary, The Rules could be a valuable guide for women as they search for the right man.
Nearly 1 million copies of The Rules have been sold. People aren't buying the book because it outlines a list of concrete guidelines that chart the path to happiness. The book sells because its two authors articulate some strategies that work. Men appreciate honesty, and playing hard to get is a strategy with time-tested effectiveness.
Granted, some of the guidelines in The Rules are weak. Women shouldn't end a relationship if a birthday gift isn't romantic, and it's OK to accept a date for Saturday on Thursday afternoon. Different strategies apply to each situation, but some rules never work.
Ultimately, women should use the book as a reference tool that has several worthwhile suggestions. People shouldn't subscribe religiously to the authors' advice. Maintaining flexibility is the most important rule, and recognizing which rules are worthwhile is part of the game.
LEWIS GALLOWAY FOR THE EDITORIAL BOARD
KANSAN STAFF
AMANDA TRAUGHBER
CRAIG LANG
Managing editor
MATT HOOD
Associate managing editor for design
KIMBERLY CRABTREE
CHARITY JEFFRIES
News editors
DARCI L. MCLAIN
SARA ROSE
Public relations directors
KAREN GERSCH
Business manager
HEALY SMART
Retail sales manager
TOM EBLEN
General manager, news adviser
JAY STEINER
Sales and marketing adviser
JUSTIN KNUPP
Technology coordinator
Campus ... Susanna Löböl
... Jason Streak
... Amy McVey
Editorial ... John Collar
... Nicole Kennedy
Features ... Amir Ward
Spotlight ... Bill Peterson
Associate sports ... Carlin Foster
Online editor ... David L. Teaska
Photo ... Rich Davkivi
Graphics ... Noah Mussler
Special sections ... Andy Rohbvobke
Wire ... Debbie Staline
Campus mgr...Mark Ozdemk
Regional mgr...Nestor Haupt
Assistant Retail mgr...Dana Contento
National mgr...Krista Nye
Administrative mgr...Heather Knecht
Production mgr...Dan Kenop
Lisa Quebbaman
Marketing director...Eric Johnson
Creative director...Desmond Lavelle
Senior Vice President...Sarah Singer
Mass Impact mgr...Dena Piscotte
Internet mgr...Steve Sanger
Jeff MacNelly/ CHICAGO TRIBUNE
WASHINGTON — After 30 years of breaking the rules, an impressive number of women apparently want to bring the rules back. At least it would seem so, judging by the success of a new paperback bluntly titled The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.
Outdated courtship rules are epitome of phoniness
Feminists are outraged, but bringing back the old rules of courtship is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you know which rules to rule out.
As its subtitle might suggest, this book is selling like a dream. It gives a vision of woman as a pot of honey with men swarming around her like bees. She is "hard to get but easy to be with," the authors advise. She is passive but cleverly so. Her passivity empowers her to twist men around her little finger. Sure, there are a lot of dogs out there, but she doesn't mind. She is saving herself for Mr. Right, who will come along, treat her right and sweep her away at last to wedded bliss.
The Rules, they note, rely largely on a woman suppressing her spontaneity, her individualism and her intelligence to focus all of her energies on snagging the man of her dreams.
No wonder feminists are outraged. After all, haven't women come too far too fast for this? Are there not too many frontiers yet to be conquered and glass ceilings to be broken for women to be falling back into the old coquettish courtship roles of the Victorian past?
Well, think again. After a respectable launch in hardcover last year, the newly released paperback Warner Books edition has exploded onto best-sellers lists with an eye-popping 800,000 copies in print.
The authors lead seminars that play to packed houses of the date-
SYNDICATED COLUMNIST
less and confused at $45 a head. Many also are calling the authors' $250-anhour telephone consultations line. Sightings of Rules Girl support groups have been reported from Manhattan to Denver.
The reviews are mixed. A twenty-
something intern
in the office where I work spoke for many when she said that the book offered "some good advice, but a lot of it goes too far."
She specifically objected to such suggestions as dogmatic Rule 6 ("Always End Phone Calls First"), the arbitrary-sounding Rule 7 ("Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date After Wednesday"), the rigid Rule 11 ("Always End the Date First") and the submissive Rule 17 ("Let Him Take the Lead").
Then there's my favorite, Rule 31:
"Don't Discuss the Rules With Your Therapist." No way.
As the young people say these days, *The Rules* are totally retro, man. They're also extremely popular. What's gotten into these ladies?
I suspect this book marks a major milestone of our social times. It may be to the '90s what Sex and the Single Girl by Helen Gurley Brown, editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan magazine, was to the '60s. Brown shocked traditional sensibilities and soared up the best-sellers list by suggesting that women could enjoy recreational sex as much as men in the age of the newly released birth control pill. Women could break the old rules of courtship, she suggested, dress up like sweet tarts, mate like
bunny rabbits and still settle down in the end with the prince of their dreams.
For a generation and a half, women have been told it's OK for gals to call up the guys, pick up the check and initiate the dance or the date.
As opportunities opened up and women became increasingly careminded, it became downright gauche in many social circles to suggest aloud that snagging a man into marriage still occupied a high priority with many women.
All of this has been profoundly liberating for many women and a pretty nice deal for a lot of men. Despite this liberty, though, many others have ended up dateless and confused. Many, in their desperation, are taking a new look at the old rules.
Freedom, as Franz Kafka said, is a burden. Men still tend to be considerably less willing to "settle down," in the words of our grannies, than women are. (A popular joke in singles' circles: How do you make a bachelor disappear? Mention the word commitment.)
In olden days, a woman warmed an eligible bachelor's cold feet through what were called feminine wiles. Today, a woman has The Rules. In modern girlfriend language, Fein and Schneider say what mothers always have said: "He won't buy the cow, honey, if he can get the milk for free."
That's real. The trouble with these rules is their advocacy of phoniness. Girls, just suppress your real selves, the book advises, at least until you bag that man of your dreams.
Dream on. We have enough phoniness in this world. Let's get real The Rules were meant to be broken.
Clarence Page is a columnist for The Chicago Tribune.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
Clinton's education plan may expand opportunity
I am waiting to see whether President Clinton can fulfill his promise to help with the cost of college education. The higher cost of education has made a degree less attainable for many people. For the average middle-class person who cannot receive a scholarship or financial aid, Clinton's plan might be helpful.
I could not receive any type of financial aid because my father's income exceeds a certain amount. The questionnaires that students have to fill out for financial aid or scholarships do not take into consideration where my father's money is going. He is a hard-working, middle-class man. He is paying for a son to go to medical school, a daughter's college education and supporting his parents-in-law. Our family could use a lit-
the financial aid to help us get by.
A college education, which is the major means for upward mobility in society, has become increasingly difficult for children of middle and lower classes. If Clinton does what he has promised, maybe the average middle-class student can get a break.
Natalie Miller Tulsa, Okla., sophomore
the financial aid to help us get by.
The New York City Marathon leaves student feeling the burn
Three weekends ago, I did something stupid.
Actually, I did several stupid things. I ran through Harlem wearing yellow tights. I accepted and consumed fruits, unwrapped candy and drinks from unknown New Yorkers. I got up before 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning. In short, I ran the New York City Marathon.
Like an all-night drinking binge, it was fun for a while, but the consequences were harsh. I'm just starting to regain feeling in my knee, or is that my ankle? In any case, the race was painful but fun.
I must admit I've never
enjoyed being in excruciating pain so much. If I ever need a limb amputated, I'll definitely have the surgery in New York.
Bigness is a theme that pervades the city — world's biggest music store, biggest traffic jam,biggest strip club — and of course its marathon is big. It boasts 29,000 runners from 113 countries and approximately 2,000 portable toilets.
If only I had a camera, I could have captured the beauty of the world's longest urinal, a trough that began in Staten Island near the Verrazano Narrows Bridge and ended somewhere in New Hampshire.
Not to be outdone by the extravagance of the city's plumbers, New Yorkers showed up en masse to cheer and taunt. Once I realized they were restrained and we weren't going to be attacked, it was quite a rush.
It was such a rush that I forgot I had 26.2 miles to run. I ran insanely fast for 10 miles. I ran so fast that had the race been stopped early because of rain or an Elvis sighting, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani would have awarded me the key to the city.
Unfortunately, the race continued, and the longer it went, the more my stride came to resemble that of the late George Burns. I suppose I could claim I had a strategy, run the first 10 miles as fast as possible, and then see what happens.
However, by the 17th mile, I was getting passed by seemingly the entire city. The low point was when I was passed by a giant Power Bar, consisting of six runners enmeshed at the shoulders in a10-foot yellow wrapper.
But after two hours, nine minutes and 54 seconds, all the pain, suffering and agony were finished, at least for Giacoma Leone of Italy, I, on the other hand, had another hour and 37 minutes of agony and humiliation — at the hands of Team Powerbar — to endure.
But the race ended. At least, I think it did. Maybe I'm still running, and this article is a hallucination.
If so, I hope there's first aid ahead. I could use a nice drink, or maybe a snack to revive me. But please ... no Power Bars.
Jeff Mudrick is a Topeka sophomore in psychology.
THE AVENGING VARMINT
By Lili Barrientos