4B
Monday, December 12, 1988/University Daily Kansan
KU students learn to cope with parents' alcoholism
By Kjerstin Gabrielson Special to the Kansan
One of Sarah's most prominent childhood memories is of her mother withdrawing to the basement to get drunk almost every day.
Sarah, which is not her real name, is the daughter of one of an estimated in million alcohols in the United States. But Sarah, like many KU students, sought help through peer groups and counseling.
Mary Alten-Hofen, a registered nurse at Watkins Memorial Health Center, said alcoholism was the elephant in the living room that everyone in the family walked around but refused to recognize.
a co-dependent is someone who is controlled by another person's behavior and is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
Alten Hoten and Wilkam Buck, a physician at Watkins, led a workshop this semester for adult children of alcoholics. The goal of the workshop was to help people identify themselves as children of alcoholics and begin to deal with the symptoms of co-dependency.
For the alcoholic, the first step in Alcoholics Anonymous is to admit that he or she has become powerless in dealing with the effects of alcohol. Adult children of alcohols often use the same recovery program, admitting their powerlessness over the effects of alcoholism, but said
Sarah, a Wichita freshman whose mother is an alcoholic, took this first step when she was 16, two years after she had moved from her mother's home into her father's, and found herself engulfed in depression.
"I'd seen alcoholies get help before. I had a sense that it was the same for me," she said.
She sought counseling then and has since been involved in a Lawrence chapter of Adult Children Of Alcohols, ACAO and ALAnon, another peer group designed to help family and spouses of alcohols, use many of the same recovery strategies as Alcoholics Anonymous.
Sarah remembers violent arguments between her parents during which she locked herself in her room.
"I'd run in my room and push all my furniture against the door," she said. "I'd walk out of my room, and everything would be broken."
After Sarah's mother was divorced, she argued with Sarah instead of her husband.
Pat Nelson, a counselor at Douglas County Citizens Committee on Alcoholism, said children in alcoholic families didn't understand that normalcy included a broad spectrum of conditions and emotions.
"Kids who grow up in these homes watch TV and say that's how normal is. Or they look at people and say they're normal, and I'm not." she said
The stigma of being from an alcoholic family can also lead to low self-esteem. Nelson said that when children were growing up, they thought they were causing the problems in the family.
"Kids think they're causing their family to be bad or their mom to drink or their dad to be angry or whatever," she said.
Sarah said she felt like a failure, even though she did very well in school.
"I got super-good grades and was a cheerleader and all that junk. Nothing was enough," she said.
Sarah said she used her activities to avoid thinking about her problems and to give herself a sense of self-worth.
Emily, which is not her real name,
has an alcoholic father. She said she
also sought self-esteem in activity.
"I my work was my identity," said Emily. 30. "I was a compulsive perfectionist, chasing after details."
Emily, a KU graduate and Lawrence resident, would show her work and indirectly ask for compliments and approval.
Emily and Sarah both played the role of the hero in the family, always doing what was right.
Jesson said the other roles children of the alcoholic family play include: ■ the scapegoat, who is angry and usually in trouble.
the lost child, who goes unnoticed and hides in the bedroom to avoid interaction with other people.
40 the ascot, who is irresponsible and releases feelings by acting cute.
Emily said that as the hero she was competing for approval from her father, hoping that if she did some kind of tough enough, he would stop drinking.
"So much of my overachieving and compulsiveness was for his approval. I would be loyal to him and totally
ignore the anger inside of me," she said.
Nelson said children of alcoholics give too much in their relationships.
"They don't learn the give and take in normal relationships," she said.
According to a 1974 study by the Department of Health, Education and Welfare, more than half of all alcoholics have an alcoholic parent.
Sarah and Emily are not alcoholics, but they have exhibited other types of compulsive behavior.
Emily was obsessively neat.
"I couldn't deal with chaos and confusion. I had roommates who couldn't stand to live with me. I had trouble getting along with compulsory perfectionist," she said.
Sarah just now is learning to deal with her compulsive eating — her way of dealing with any problem or stress.
"When my self-esteem is not intact, I take everything personally."
This September, Sarah began attending Overeater's Anonymous twice a week and said it had been essential to the success of her programs with Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Sarah and Emily both said the best way to cope with their families' problems was to detach themselves.
Sarah and her mother still have what she calls a good relationship, but Sarah has learned to become detached.
dear.
"You have to say it's nice for today, but you can't apply that to the future," she said.
Sarah's mother has been in recovery since June 27, her fifth attempt at recovery.
Sarah started in counseling when she was 16 but found the most help in group therapy.
Members of Sarah's peer group exchange phone numbers and have someone to call whenever the need is felt. Meetings are led by a member of the group who asks for suggestions or decides on a topic for discussion.
Sarah said the peer group was not an advising group but a place where members, whose ages range from 18 to 50, could share their own "strength, hope and experience." Everything said in the group remains confidential.
Emily first sought counseling in 1983 as a job requirement, where she realized she was a co-dependent. She continues recovery on her own.
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